Security Blanket

I had an epiphany… (funny,right? No? Ok…. )

This weekend I came to a realization. I looked around my new place, and realized how happy I was. I was so nervous when I was going to move. Thinking… Am I ready? Am I secure enough? I had a million scenarios of why I couldn’t move. The main one was the one I was avoiding... Familiarity.

I don’t mind change, but as an obsessed Capricorn, if I don’t know what’s going to happen with the change, then I am weary of it. I don’t like surprises bruh. But I still went out on the shakey limp and realized I was in love. This independence. This freedom. The new aspect in my life in which I was terrified about, was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

That wasn’t the epiphany though…

I am the queen of recycling old jawns. I’ve probably been on a total of 6 dates in 2 years and I don’t really count 3 of those… I just get caught up in remembering the feelings. The comfort… the familiarity… then I let them back in and I remember something else… the bullshit.

I can honestly say I am a different person than who I was when I dated ANY of my old jawns… so why would I think the happiness would still be there. Lowkey I probably know it wasn’t… but the temporary joy you get from familiarity… it’s like you favorite blanket…. It just brings you back to a comfortable space. 

But then I thought back to my apartment… how scared I was to come out my comfort zone, and how happy I am that I did. I guess I need to be willing to try that in my love life…As scary as it sounds…

The thought about being the girl that he “cares about deeply but know can’t marry” for the rest of my life is scarier though.

I’m not saying I may not slip up and need the warmth of that old blanket again… but for now I’m going to try and keep it tucked in the closet until my bed gets too cold (now that was DEFINITELY funny)

Moving

Literally and physically.

My address and out look has changed. I packed my bags up. i threw away shit i had no need for. Things I've hoarded for years. Friends helped, they encouraged. Somethings I had to handle alone. All in all i am in a new space.

and I am in love with it.

The independence. the peace. the sanctity. 

Y'all probably reading this post like what the fuck she talking about? The hoe done had too much Maxwell pandora and wine. No I haven't. I have a new address. And so does my old way of thinking. I spent my birthday in my bed (alone) and i was happy. I am happy. Holistically. I brought in the new year BLINDED by blessings. I have no choice but to be happy. But its not just that. I did it despite adverse advice (not negative, adverse). I did it on faith. I busted my ass and realized, that i gave my self so little credit. its such a different feeling realizing your worth. you're capabilities. and then reaping what you sow…

fuck its amazing.

Then you see things for what they are. people for who they are. and you have to take a step back. reevaluate relationships. distance yourself from the unnecessary. Moving into a new mental space is like moving into a new apartment. Somethings can't go with you. 

Then you give yourself space for new things. better things. things that go more in line with the things you decided you keeping. 

Ive ran this analogy to the ground…. lol. If you do one thing this year, its move. Mentally. Realize some things about yourself. Dont let the actions of others drive you and you're progression. Let you and you're progression drive the actions of others. Make a vision board. Shit… make a vision if you don't have one. Cause once you realize what you really want in life… you're an UNSTOPPABLE force

“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” 
― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

its 2:04am

My Maxwell Pandora is blasting. I finally gotten time after the past two months to sit back, relax…. and just breathe….

and i open up my laptop. open the internet. and on my top sites… i see my own sly grin looking at me…. i click on random epiphanys link… and just breathe.

I won't call it a come back. My my heart had never left this link. my mind had somethings to handle… but my heart patiently waiting here until we were ready to sync again.

I sat in bed trying to force tears because i almost convinced myself i was upset sitting alone on this saturday night… missing a #him I've never had… and then i realized. i just missed my heart.

So hello.