Dumb and Dumber

Sometimes I think men are the dumbest of breeds.

Every week I have a discussion with a man about cheating. It usally goes along the lines of

“Do you cheat on your girl?”

“Nah, not really…Well what do you consider cheating?”

“Are you kissing someone else or doing kind of sexually driven?”

“Oh, well then I guess. It ain’t that serious tho.”

“What if she was doing the same..?”

“She not. Ill kill her”

That’s usually where I roll me eyes and continue eating my lunch or pretending to work… Basically not engaging in the foolish explanations that are sure to follow. Men are convinced that when they cheat its just sex. Nothing more… nothing less. But women can’t have sex without emotion. They swear women get attached and basically ruin the relationship by doing the same exact thing (or much milder version of ) what the men are doing. This conversation usually goes no where, so I stopped trying to understand a long time ago.

This isn’t a long post or rant…  This is me simply stating my opinion. I think men are dumb. Y’all say all women can’t separate sex and emotion, but then you cheat on your woman, with  … (hopefully) a WOMAN. So now you got this heffa running around catching feelings from the first stroke (according to logic) and you got a wife at home. You probably telling your side joint all types of lies, fabrications, and fallacies making her think y’all about to reenact the field scene from Jason Lyric as soon as yall get some free time when you wouldn’t even pick that joint a daffodil. So doesn’t that present a problem? Or you don’t care if her feelings hurt because she ain’t your shorty? I guess that makes sense… until she show up your door with that same heart you broke on her sleeve and a butcher knife in her hand.

But I digress. I tell all my male friends… Rule of thumb for cheating “Anything you do that you don’t want her to do… is considered cheating” Legit 90% of them look at me like I slapped some sense into them or just told them Santa wasn’t real….

Again… I think men are the dumbest of breeds.

Music to My Ears...

I love the sound of a black man’s laugh.

Random I know but look at the blog title.

Not just any laugh, that hearty uncontrollable laugh. The one that reminds you of a child when they have been tickled. That laughed that isn’t strained because they carry the weight of the world on their shoulders. The laugh that comes from their gut, that rises past the knots in their stomach from their every day worries.  A REAL laugh.

That laugh brings joy to my heart. Every day you deal with men who don’t let you in. Who guard themselves from love, and have put on a front for so long, they themselves believe they are made from steel instead of flesh. They feel like the world is against them and they are a one man army. They smile because it gets fewer questions than frowns. Strain a chuckle because it’s what’s expected. Feign a laugh because it makes sense.

But when a black man laughs. TRULY LAUGHS. There is no sense in that… but its perfect. You hear the worry melt away, the stress float away in the air. You hear the child that they may have never had a chance to truly embrace. You hear happiness.

You hear their humanity.

Even for a few seconds… It’s a few seconds of hope.

So next time you hear a black man laugh… truly laugh....from your father, your brother, you lover, your friend… close your eyes and soak it in. It’s like a perfect melody that can never be recorded.

Akwardddddddd....

I am all down for an awkward convo, I handle things immediately, because at the end of the day, they grow and I don’t want issues escalating. I am like this now because I was the master of walking on eggshells. I never addressed any issue. Hoping that if I tip toed around them, they’d tip toe out my life. I played Red Light Green light 123 on a regular basis with my issues. Hoping that if I closed my eyes and turned my back, they wouldn’t get a hold of me… even though I knew they were right behind me.


There have been times I just sat back and looked at the situation fall apart in my hands like sand through my fingers but did nothing because I was scared to speak up, scared to make people upset at me, and I guess ultimately, scared to be alone because of my thoughts and feelings. Especially, if I was wrong. I’d try and defend my foolishness to the end because I didn’t want to seem dumb, but I also didn’t want to face the issue at hand and rectify it. Basically, I was pussy.

It took last year for me to realize, that’s not how you live. I know it sounds crazy, but the majority of situation with my ex-fiancé, I blame myself for. Not saying I caused it, but I supported it. A “if you not part of the solution, you part of the problem” kind of take. And I definitely looked for no solution to our money issues, his control issues, lack of communication, and support mentally emotionally financially, and pretty much any other ” –ally” words you can think of. I didn’t want to make him mad and have him leave me. The thought of being alone over something petty like some bills we disagreed on didn’t seem worth it… so I ran from my problems faster than Flo Jo…

The thing we forget is, we can’t run from the devil instead of facing him… He has legs too.

Those same problems I tried to run from caught up quicker to me than police trying to catch a asthmatic shoplifter. Oh, and they brought back up. Issues escalated, problems multiplied, and my resistance grew weary. Before I knew it, I was standing in a pile of the eggshells I had avoided for years… knee deep in eggshells (too much with the analogy?)

Facing these issues was not easy, because I might have went too hard for a bit, utilizing not an ounce of filter, couth, or finesse. But y’all know my favorite saying… Baby Steps. Finding a balance between having no conversation at all, to hitting everyone with a tongue thrashing when they ask you to pass the salt is delicate balance I had to learn. And, I of course haven’t perfected it (but, really… whose perfect?), but being able to have an open honest conversation when an issue arises is probably one of the most valuable lessons I learned from my life journey.

What’s the point of this Sio? Where did this come from? Where are the ratchet jokes? I saw this because I’ve seen people loose friends, family, lovers, and THEMSELVES avoiding a molehill that turned into Everest (the mountain, not the college with the commercials during Maury). All because they were scared to have the initial conversation that addressed the issue, cleared any miscommunication, and brought them to an easy solution after a hard reality. I want better for yall, and if I didn’t share the little bit of wisdom I have before I forgot it, what good would I be?

Oh yea, and to satisfy my ratchet quota… Fuck Niggas, Get Money… Yolo!

Simple bitch...

Hi, my name is Sio. I am a Capricorn. I like green jello. And I'm a simple bitch.

So, one of my favorite blogs is called Black Girls are Easy. Its raw, its uncensored… it makes me happy. He had a recent post up… here is the link. Please proceed with caution, y'all may get violent. I did.

Im the come over and chill bitch. Lord Father God… please help me become better! I am always out on the run, so when some one gives the opportunity to sit and slow down… it like a gift. So after doing the one dates intro, the movies at home sounds like perfection. Legit perfection. Not to have sex per se (though once you pass through that door, just know he thinking he most likely passing through you) but to sit on the couch and watch TV which I never get to do, talk candidly and open… get to know each other without talking over a movie, or the music, or over people talking. To remove pleasantries, and allow intimacy to set in…

WHO THE FUCK KNEW I WAS FUCKING THE MONEY UP?

I tell you who didn't know… ME! I never saw my moot as an investment. I saw it as my moot… I dont date cause its awkward to me. Why be uncomfortable when you have the option to be normal, and learn more about the person? Right? WRONG apparently. I been a simple bitch this whole time… Lowering the stock of my magic (yea, I said magic… don't debate me… I have references).

You're probably like… "Sio… why you so angry? You know better now. Apply the changes!"

Easier said than done. Especially if you started the process. What do you do if you already fell into this routine? Wat if he was your friend and their was a shift? How do you try and applying these rules without having to apply to match.com cause he left that ass? Damned if I know.

I do know this though. If you expecting something out this "situation" applying these changes are necessary. You may be worried he bounces on the premiss of "you changed" but if this is really what it is… most likely you gonna end up alone anyway. At least do it know before years of watching y'all show together, faux break ups to make ups, and seeing him change his avi to some jawn that ain't even his "type" and his FB relationship status to in a relationship after your last separation and waiting for him to call back up to talk about it… don't be that girl. I want better for you. Who knows… he may put in the work and surprise you. If not, him leaving gives you open to someone who is, to get to know the person you missed cause you stayed home to watch SVU with #him instead of going out to Brooklyn First Saturdays. Dont compromise what you want for comfort…

Now figuring out what you want… Thats another post I am not equipped to write right now…

Harlem

Its was him.

Right there on 145th and Broadway. I've seen him once before but I was with my old joint who was my new joint at the time so I was in control… but this… this was different. He was walking with his new girlfriend… pushing a baby carriage. The baby looked at him lovingly… his girlfriend looked content. He looked miserable. But maybe that was my imagination. But you know what was real… this family I watched. This family that was created right under my nose. This family.

Lowkey, I was hoping that facts and investigations were rumors… and that he didn't have this child, or this girlfriend. That even though i don't want him back, and knew that I am a completely different person for this… that he was home… single…

But reality slapped the shit out of me as i sat in that car and watch them trot up a hill together. oddly enough I was fine…. the person in the car with me, not so much… she was in shock, then wanted to get out and fight them… the baby included. Then she got mad for 20 mins about how she glass Im a better person but she not and how she hates people doing bad things to good people…

Slap number two

I felt the tears well up. Not cause I was hurt by him but by myself. Should I have reacted? Should i have punched him in the face. Should I have fucked the baby up on principle? Was I letting him win?

I felt weak, and taken advantage of. I hadn't felt like that in a year. I felt out of control.

Then I got home. I got in the bed. The bed where i found text messages in his phone. The bed where he threw me down during our one and only physical altercation. The bed where the "love we made" made one night stands feel like intimacy in the last few months. The bed where I cried myself to sleep… almost every night… before we broke up

Then i realized… driving away was the best. Not because i didn't want to punch him, cause if i lord know i want to slap the black off of him and made him albino. But because, It wouldn't of made anything better, because it was better. I was happier. Not ecstatic, but content… Lord knows that leap from before. I could of beat all their asses and they would of went home… comforted each other, maybe slash my tires… and went. on. living.

I would not be the bitter bitch who acted up in the street because it wouldn't of changed anything. I wouldn't of felt better. Actually I hate scenes so i probably would of felt worse… So  drove way. Let them live their life and i live mine… not give him the opportunity to be a part of my recent space.

I drove away and left my past on 145th in Harlem