There have been times I just sat back and looked at the situation fall apart in my hands like sand through my fingers but did nothing because I was scared to speak up, scared to make people upset at me, and I guess ultimately, scared to be alone because of my thoughts and feelings. Especially, if I was wrong. I’d try and defend my foolishness to the end because I didn’t want to seem dumb, but I also didn’t want to face the issue at hand and rectify it. Basically, I was pussy.
It took last year for me to realize, that’s not how you live. I know it sounds crazy, but the majority of situation with my ex-fiancé, I blame myself for. Not saying I caused it, but I supported it. A “if you not part of the solution, you part of the problem” kind of take. And I definitely looked for no solution to our money issues, his control issues, lack of communication, and support mentally emotionally financially, and pretty much any other ” –ally” words you can think of. I didn’t want to make him mad and have him leave me. The thought of being alone over something petty like some bills we disagreed on didn’t seem worth it… so I ran from my problems faster than Flo Jo…
The thing we forget is, we can’t run from the devil instead of facing him… He has legs too.
Those same problems I tried to run from caught up quicker to me than police trying to catch a asthmatic shoplifter. Oh, and they brought back up. Issues escalated, problems multiplied, and my resistance grew weary. Before I knew it, I was standing in a pile of the eggshells I had avoided for years… knee deep in eggshells (too much with the analogy?)
Facing these issues was not easy, because I might have went too hard for a bit, utilizing not an ounce of filter, couth, or finesse. But y’all know my favorite saying… Baby Steps. Finding a balance between having no conversation at all, to hitting everyone with a tongue thrashing when they ask you to pass the salt is delicate balance I had to learn. And, I of course haven’t perfected it (but, really… whose perfect?), but being able to have an open honest conversation when an issue arises is probably one of the most valuable lessons I learned from my life journey.
What’s the point of this Sio? Where did this come from? Where are the ratchet jokes? I saw this because I’ve seen people loose friends, family, lovers, and THEMSELVES avoiding a molehill that turned into Everest (the mountain, not the college with the commercials during Maury). All because they were scared to have the initial conversation that addressed the issue, cleared any miscommunication, and brought them to an easy solution after a hard reality. I want better for yall, and if I didn’t share the little bit of wisdom I have before I forgot it, what good would I be?
Oh yea, and to satisfy my ratchet quota… Fuck Niggas, Get Money… Yolo!
I'm still learning to be more vocal in situations like these. I'll refrain from addressing something for fear of an explosive argument or making someone mad and it's definitely not healthy.
ReplyDeleteMy senior year of college, I found myself in an "intimate situation" where I allowed myself to put up with the most foolish of things. Since I've freed myself from said foolish things, I notice myself standing up for myself the way I should have back then. They see me as being an asshole *shrugs*.
I admit, I have asshole tendencies but when I was with them, I was too afraid to ruffle feathers. I promised I would never make myself that small in any relationship.
Thanks for sharing!