Regrets...

So, I’m sitting at work, and this song comes on. Jesus. I put it on repeat.  Have you listened to the words?

“Does she want you with the pain that I do? Smell you in my dreams…”

No. This song hurts. To my core *Mimi voice* Granted, sometimes I question if I was in 8 years of devotion or delusion. But when the tears that I swore long vacated my eyes, make a visit; I know I was truly in love. But do I regret it? That’s the question I ask myself regularly.

Almost every female I know was made a fool of in love.

“I felt so dumb”

“What kind of fool am I?”

“You made a fool of me, tell me why”

“No time. No friendship. No love”

*exhales*

I honestly haven’t decided if I regret “the relationship”. I loved him. DEEP. We had happy moments. He treated check the tense me good. But, the thing with break ups is, your newly idle mind is a devil's play ground. I think the happy times were all in my head. Like it was an illusion. A well crafted set of rose colored glasses crazy glued to my face. My Facebook relationship status isn't the only thing that changed. I did.

 I don’t look men in the eye too long anymore because I’m scared ill see a future like I did the last time I stared into someones brown irises. I don’t sleep in men’s arms because ill have to scrub the touch of for months like I did last year. I push men away I the fear that my heart will pull behind them when the leave me… again. 

Funny enough, as i reached for my iPod to restart it, i looked at the info… The album was called "Bitter". 

Had it happened? My worst fear. Many moons and post ago, I said I refused to be bitter. But here I was… making excuses to avoid dates with men who showed genuine interest. Staying in my comfort zones of Old GANS because i knew what to expect (or not to). Hiding under my Egyptian cotton sheets cause the real world was too cold. 

Then I realized… No. I made a fool of me. I stayed. I accepted. I endured. He isn't innocent by far… but I surely was an accomplice. I got to stop being bitter, and being better. (funny enough an old joint said this to me a while ago and I got mad. Who knew he was right?) 

So, no. I don't regret the time spent. And although I can't say i won't hear this song again and my heart won't hurt, or that i am a completely changed woman… I CAN say the effort to move forward is now present… 

And I just have to hope the next time i start to smell #him in my dreams, the good Lord grants me a sinus infection.