Pour it Up...

When you've been off and on with someone for years, and then you blink your eyes, and they are giving all of what you fought for to someone who hasn't struggled for it... theres a deeper level of hurt there. Its not that you cheated, or we didn't work.. “Its why wasn't I good enough?” You doubt your every move. 

“Was I not pretty enough, smart enough?”

“Did I not cook well enough?”

“Was my sex not pleasing enough?”

“Why when she walks in the room, you look at her like how I look at you?”

“Why was I good enough for your dick but she was worthy of your heart?”

This isn't bitter, but how can you be happy for someone when they didn't even consider your feelings? Inadequacy takes up too much room for joy to fit in. 

So now, you're in your room drinking honey jack, watching love jones, hoping for a miracle. Hoping he texts so you can go off. Every buzz you just know its him and you have the whole conversation planned out. You got points in your notes app and its. about. to. go. down.

But it isn't him. He isn't texting. Because he's happy. Home living his life, while your just reliving yours. Reliving the moments you WERE happy. Reliving the happy times because the bad ones aren't important now that you're alone. 

Im petty. Ill never deny it. I want to be happy for him but how can I when he made promise to me that he kept for her? He’s posting lines to songs under their pics on social media that he used to hum in my ear while we were in bed. Im supposed to forget that cause he did? My feelings supposed to change cause his facebook relationship status did?

Now you and your homegirls are saying things like “ I heard the ones with the best sex never get wifed..” and you reply “Makes sense why Im single” and share a good laugh, but each giggle aches at your heart... because your still searching for answers you'll never get. You can try. You can corner him and demand answers. You'll probably end up more hurt than before the conversation or naked. He’ll probably say something that makes you think he really cares about you and theres hope for y'all yet. Then he post an IG pic up and your back to square one.

Sounds familiar? Cause thats the story every time in some variation.

Theres no answer here. No epiphany. Sorry. I just turn up the TV, turn off the phone, and refill my drink.

Cheers.