Harlem

Its was him.

Right there on 145th and Broadway. I've seen him once before but I was with my old joint who was my new joint at the time so I was in control… but this… this was different. He was walking with his new girlfriend… pushing a baby carriage. The baby looked at him lovingly… his girlfriend looked content. He looked miserable. But maybe that was my imagination. But you know what was real… this family I watched. This family that was created right under my nose. This family.

Lowkey, I was hoping that facts and investigations were rumors… and that he didn't have this child, or this girlfriend. That even though i don't want him back, and knew that I am a completely different person for this… that he was home… single…

But reality slapped the shit out of me as i sat in that car and watch them trot up a hill together. oddly enough I was fine…. the person in the car with me, not so much… she was in shock, then wanted to get out and fight them… the baby included. Then she got mad for 20 mins about how she glass Im a better person but she not and how she hates people doing bad things to good people…

Slap number two

I felt the tears well up. Not cause I was hurt by him but by myself. Should I have reacted? Should i have punched him in the face. Should I have fucked the baby up on principle? Was I letting him win?

I felt weak, and taken advantage of. I hadn't felt like that in a year. I felt out of control.

Then I got home. I got in the bed. The bed where i found text messages in his phone. The bed where he threw me down during our one and only physical altercation. The bed where the "love we made" made one night stands feel like intimacy in the last few months. The bed where I cried myself to sleep… almost every night… before we broke up

Then i realized… driving away was the best. Not because i didn't want to punch him, cause if i lord know i want to slap the black off of him and made him albino. But because, It wouldn't of made anything better, because it was better. I was happier. Not ecstatic, but content… Lord knows that leap from before. I could of beat all their asses and they would of went home… comforted each other, maybe slash my tires… and went. on. living.

I would not be the bitter bitch who acted up in the street because it wouldn't of changed anything. I wouldn't of felt better. Actually I hate scenes so i probably would of felt worse… So  drove way. Let them live their life and i live mine… not give him the opportunity to be a part of my recent space.

I drove away and left my past on 145th in Harlem

Medicine...

They say laughter is best medicine. Thank God I have friends that always make sure I have my daily dose

Its a sad day….

…when you realize the one who you were supposed "stay friends" with, never was your friend in the first place…

When you realize the building you were doing was not for forever… but until we stop fucking. The day you realize he may care, but not enough to not be toxic to you.

The mutual friend struggle with it, Jesucristo. Seeing your friends with him… Having to put on the fake smile so you don't make it awkward… Looking at each other wanting to say more but knowing its not part of your new "platonic" relationship, it pulls at your heart. There is always that question of if we stayed friends, why wouldn't we stay lovers. Then it hits you one day, after random drunken phone calls of why he didn't care… snide remarks or side eyes at the new jawn... unplanned sex after just chilling and catching up… Y'all never were friends. Y'all never had the real friendship connection. So now that its said and done… you can't continue what never really was started.

So the inside jokes all go to waste. Picking up the phone to call and share a story that only they would understand, you have to think twice about. You have to catch yourself before you double tap the like on the instagram, and you can't retweet him when he pops up on your timeline because you blocked him a long time ago and its the principle.

Three weeks ago my old joint sent me a text about something completely trivial. Mind you, we were supposed to been meet up and I was waiting for a time. But instead he pressed me about pettiness. I spazzed. I had a rough wee and a bit might of been displaced aggression but the nigga hadn't asked about my day in months. Told him my grandpa sick and what he was talking was irrelevant… he knew how close to my grandfather I am and he still didn't ten feign concern. If he was really my "friend" these things would have happened. Thats when I realized enough was enough. Then I saw him 3 days later, after I had calmed down, he was acting childish. He didn't even try and make amends and  even said good evening with no reply. And still no concern. Thats when I knew he had to go. He hit me up recently and it hurt like hell to have to curve him… but I had to curve him. He even played me a bit for it… Rubbed salt in my wound with that… but this just made me realize I did the right thing.

 This would have never happened with my friends... my real ones… the one i ride for. I don't expect that in return because i do it without reward, but i never HAVE to expect it. They do it without a first, second, or third thought. God forbid something happened to my grandfather, id have friends on the turnpike before the end of the call, and he couldn't get pass this one irrelevant thing. Thats not a friend.

I seen a nigga send a 12 page text on my homegirl bday about HIS feelings. That is not a friend.

I seen a girl convince my homeboy to have sex with her after his friend died cause he was vulnerable and she didn't like the fact they stopped talking. That is not a friend

A guy i used to talk to forgot my brother name and got mad when i took his call. That is not a friend.

One of the hardest things is when you truly care about, or even love, someone, realizing they are not supposed to be in your life. At this age, negativity should be scarce, and the people in your life should do more harm than good. You may love him, but I've said it before… Love isn't always enough.

When people have third degree burns, doctors have to cut off the dead burned flesh so the new flesh can grow and heal.

Happy cutting people

Text Messages

I said to an old jawn yesterday after we was randomly texting

"You just got to hope that the person you ready to be with, is ready to be with you"

I be spitting knowledge b. And he agreed...

We was always on the same page... Its too bad it was just in different books.

Such is life

Think Like A Man

So I saw this movie this weekend. Let me first say that it was hilarious. I think both men and women should see it because it relates to both. I know I am not a man but I went with my homegirl and an old jawn and he loved it. So, go see it. Let me also say that this movie was designed to cause riots all throughout the nation. Let me explain why.

I read this book when it first came out. Yall know how much I love to read. I was with me ex fiancé and we were “happy”. So when I read it, it was more of an insight into his mind and I took from it how to understand him better and compromise to really make our relationship work. Only thing is, There was a stranger in my heart so the person I was compromising with was the person I was marrying. So now that this is all said and done, the person who read that book is a completely different person who watched the movie

Everyone knows how slow I am. I actually tell people from jump. So they know what they are getting themselves into. But, I was fine after the movie. A few things made me side eye the jawn next to me and he pretended he didnt feel my gaze. We had been on the rocks and it was in that stage that we (or at least I) weren’t sure if we are still dealing or not. I don’t shy away from real convos but unfortunately, not everyone shares this trait. Anywhoot, my homegirl was tight! She was going through it and the movie did not help. We spent the rest of the weekend pretty much together, with the addition of a few more friends. I was cool, but little by little, my tolerance for the jawn dwindled. After I dropped my homegirl home, and I was on my way to taking him, we were talking about something random and he stated

Him- “Contrary to what you think, I care about you”

Me-*rolls eyes* “Why do you care about me?”

Him- “I mean, you’re a cool person and your fun to be around”

Me-“You just described you relationship with a puppy”

That was it. That was all I needed. And I still wasn’t mad. But I dropped him off and when he leaned in for a kiss, he received my cheek. That was Sunday, I haven’t heard from him since. And that’s fine. But today, in the car with my domestic partner (lol), she saw the movie last night, and you know she love a discussion. She brings it up, starts talking about scenarios, and I’ve said it before… she brings the realness to situations I inadvertently tried to be light about. But no, it hit me like a ton of bricks. The movie related to me in so many ways and talking to her made it real. The movie is going to cause riots because it brings back so many bad situations at the same damn time * Future Voice*. I’m overwhelmed. I had no choice but to reflect.

It has to be me. Oh but don’t get gassed cause its yall too. Yes ladies… yall too. No I am not saying the men are perfect, but we deal with the imperfections, making excuses for things that bother us. The imperfection that I can’t stand maybe something you don’t even notice. But when we do notice it, we don’t address it. Saying people have worse problems. Saying that he is a good man and I am lucky to have him. Rationalizing that he just takes longer to process his emotions, so he will soon feel the same overwhelming sense of happiness you feel when you see his name on caller id…

STOP IT. NOW.

It’s us. I took me a while for me to realize, I am actually ok if I never get married. I do miss the things that comes with a relationship, I’m not even going to front for the internet, but Id rather be content by myself, then unhappy with someone for a few stolen moments of joy spread over a lifetime. He is not going to change if he does not want to. You’re wasting your time waiting. I wasted 8 yrs on someone who wouldn’t change (fool me once, shame on you), then 4 months on someone who to this day cant say “Sioban I want to see you/I miss you” (fool me twice, shame on me). Yall hoping that if you love them hard enough they will feel it to the point where they have to love back. No, they just see it as the norm now and when it stops, you’re the one who looks like you haven’t given your all. Your hoping you can fuck/suck   them into changing. However, at this point we should all know good pussy/head don’t mean shit (I got references and I’m still single so don’t debate me mamita). It’s a sad day when you realize sometimes, it doesn’t work just because he was a dumb ass. He didn’t cheat, he didn’t hit you, he didn’t steal money out your wallet. He was just a good man, who wasn’t ready to be a good man for someone else. A dumb ass. And it makes it sadder, because now you the dumb ass for staying. For relying on hope and promises of better days and love filled nights.

Promises are comfort to a fool. I haven’t been a fool for sometime now.

So when it’s all said and done, yea… think like a man. Understand that I’ve seen men who are ready change their whole lives around to accommodate the woman they think is going to be their future wife… after a few weeks. Understand that men do use titles. They are proud, possessive and territorial, so although he may care about you, if after 2 years you still getting introduced as just (insert name here) you might need to reevaluate you position in his life. Think like YOUR man. Know him, and now that relations are based off of reciprocity and actions, not just potential.

But always act like a lady…

Untitled

I been looking for this…. Question is have I found it?

No es Amor… es un Obsesion

I know yall remember this Aventura song from 2003… they played it at ALL the proms. lol

 So, I have a problem. Told yall I wasn’t lying to myself for 2012. But I’m sure that have an obsession with new things. Ideas and Objects... if it’s new to me and I like it… it consumes me. If I get the idea to color my hair, it’s all I research until I do it… which wont be a long time after cause only way to stop my obsession is indulge. I’m like this with men too. I can’t be the only one.

Someone said it’s the Capricorn in me. Whateva. I am a true one… sue me. But whenever I become interested in someone (which is rare), its like Im in a state of Disney movie endings. I am hearing birds chirping, smelling the life in the rain drops, twirling in the sunshine, and realizing the GunHills are alive with the sound of music. He is the ONE… but usually for no more than ONE month. Lol. It’s actually sad. Sometimes it’s something little that irks me to the point where I can’t even look at the person without my eye twitching. The way they wear their hat, the way they chew, the fact they type a word a certain way in text… and sometimes I just wake up over it all. For no reason what so ever. That’s one of the reasons I didn’t do the nasty with too many times last year. I know myself… Other than my ex-fiancé, and the ex jawn… I am over a man almost as quickly as I feel for them. Kim Kardashian’s marriage lasted long than most of my “talking to” situations. So why I am going to give them all this magic (Yes… magic…Don’t debate me… I have references), when Ill probably make you disappear before the end of the show. That analogy made not have made sense to you, but it did to me, its my blog and I do what I want… 

So… what the solution you ask… how do I get past this problem? Yall know I don’t go the answers… so I don’t even know why you asking. But I will say this. I realize, most of these disposable men have little to no history with me prior to the infatuation… it was kind of a “we meet, we clicked” kind of thing. The ones who have stuck around, even if we aren’t still talking, built a relationship with before the sexual tension built up… so, when everything is said and for the most part done… I cant be over it all because you were important in my mind before you were important in my moot. So, maybe that’s the secret. Maybe I need that friendship shit before I get to the serious shit. Or maybe I’m gonna be flakey and single forever…

*shrug* as long as I got some wine and/or Hennesey I think Ill make it.