Moving

Literally and physically.

My address and out look has changed. I packed my bags up. i threw away shit i had no need for. Things I've hoarded for years. Friends helped, they encouraged. Somethings I had to handle alone. All in all i am in a new space.

and I am in love with it.

The independence. the peace. the sanctity. 

Y'all probably reading this post like what the fuck she talking about? The hoe done had too much Maxwell pandora and wine. No I haven't. I have a new address. And so does my old way of thinking. I spent my birthday in my bed (alone) and i was happy. I am happy. Holistically. I brought in the new year BLINDED by blessings. I have no choice but to be happy. But its not just that. I did it despite adverse advice (not negative, adverse). I did it on faith. I busted my ass and realized, that i gave my self so little credit. its such a different feeling realizing your worth. you're capabilities. and then reaping what you sow…

fuck its amazing.

Then you see things for what they are. people for who they are. and you have to take a step back. reevaluate relationships. distance yourself from the unnecessary. Moving into a new mental space is like moving into a new apartment. Somethings can't go with you. 

Then you give yourself space for new things. better things. things that go more in line with the things you decided you keeping. 

Ive ran this analogy to the ground…. lol. If you do one thing this year, its move. Mentally. Realize some things about yourself. Dont let the actions of others drive you and you're progression. Let you and you're progression drive the actions of others. Make a vision board. Shit… make a vision if you don't have one. Cause once you realize what you really want in life… you're an UNSTOPPABLE force

“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” 
― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

its 2:04am

My Maxwell Pandora is blasting. I finally gotten time after the past two months to sit back, relax…. and just breathe….

and i open up my laptop. open the internet. and on my top sites… i see my own sly grin looking at me…. i click on random epiphanys link… and just breathe.

I won't call it a come back. My my heart had never left this link. my mind had somethings to handle… but my heart patiently waiting here until we were ready to sync again.

I sat in bed trying to force tears because i almost convinced myself i was upset sitting alone on this saturday night… missing a #him I've never had… and then i realized. i just missed my heart.

So hello.

Cant blame the Kiwi

So as a blogger (which I really don’t think I am but whatever), I love reading other peoples blogs. One of the best things about it is finding out you are not the only person who thinks this way. You are not crazy. One of my favorite emo blogs is www.marcandangel.com. They did a recent post called 10 ways to Break Your Own Heart (yea the titles sounds corny but bear with me guys). Here is the list:


1. Let people invalidate or minimize how you feel. – If you feel something, you feel it and it’s real to you. Nothing anyone says has the power to invalidate that, ever. No one else lives in your body, or sees life through your eyes. No one else has lived through your exact experiences. And so, no one else has the right to dictate or judge how you feel. Your feelings are important. Don’t let anyone lead you to believe otherwise.

2. Regret every mistake you’ve ever made. – If you regret some of the decisions you’ve made in the past, stop being so hard on yourself. At that time, you did your best with the knowledge you had. At that time, you did your best with the experience you had. Your decisions were made with a younger mind. If you were to make these decisions with the wisdom you have now, you would choose differently. So give yourself a break. Time and experience has a wonderful way of helping us prosper, grow and learn to make better choices today, for ourselves and those we care for. Read Emotional Freedom .

3. Take your loved ones for granted. – Someday, for one reason or another, there will be someone you miss dearly. Missing this person will have nothing to do with how long it’s been since you’ve seen them, or the amount of time since you’ve talked. It will be about that very moment when you’re doing something and you wish they were right there with you. So be sure to appreciate every moment you get to spend with the people who matter to you.

4. Let your ego get the best of you. – Sometimes we choose to be wrong, not because we really are wrong, but because we value our relationship more than our pride. When two people who care about each other fight, both are wrong. They have put some kind of superficial outcome over love and compromise. The one who apologizes and makes up first, is the one who is right.

5. Get involved in every petty argument that comes your way. – Being strong doesn’t mean you have to stay and fight all the battles and petty arguments that come your way. Being strong doesn’t mean you have to respond to rude remarks. Don’t retort by throwing insults back at them. Don’t bring yourself down to their level. That’s what they want. Keep your dignity. True strength is being smart enough to walk away from all the nonsense with your head held high. Read The Four Agreements .

6. Join the negativity committee. – No matter how much negativity is thrown at you by others, there is absolutely no need for you to stay put and participate in the self-destruction they choose for their own lives. You decide how your soul grows. The extent of your happiness depends on the quality of your thoughts. So be positive. Some of the best days of your life haven’t happened yet.

7. Rush love. – A good relationship is when two people accept each other’s past, support each other’s present, and love each other enough to encourage each other’s future. So don’t rush love. Find a partner who encourages you to grow, who won’t cling to you, who will let you go out into the world, and trust that you will come back. This is what true love is all about, and it’s always worth the wait.

8. Hold on to those who don’t want to stay. – It’s really painful to say goodbye to someone that you don’t want to let go of, but it’s even more painful to hold on to them if they never wanted to stay in the first place. If someone doesn’t show you the same love that you show them, and acts as if you are unimportant most of the time, this may be a big clue as to the fact that you don’t need them in your life either. The only people you truly need in your life are those who respect you and want you to be in theirs.

9. Ignore every bit of constructive criticism you receive. – The worst lies are the ones we tell ourselves. A true friend will always speak the truth, even if it hurts. So don’t assume that every critic in your life is a hater. Not everyone is hating on you. Some people truly care about you, and are simply telling you the truth that you have been subconsciously denying. Read The Mastery of Love .

10. Give up on yourself. – Maneuvering through difficult times is a lot like driving through dense fog. You can’t always see where you’re going, you feel a little lost, you want to turn back, and every mile feels like forever. Yet, scared or fatigued as you might be, there’s nothing you can do but breathe, focus on the road ahead, keep moving forward, and trust that a force with keener vision than yours is out there functioning as your guide

Y’all see number 8 in bold? Yea, there is a reason for that. I figured this out a while ago. As I write this I’m coming off of a self induced depression after having to cut off the original GAN. I been moping for days after sending him an email letting him know we tried but failed. We cant be active in each others lives anymore. It hurt but whateva. I just didn’t get why he was ok hurting me like this… then I read the post.

I was hurting my mother fucking self.

I’m allergic to kiwi. It’s not the kiwi fault I’m allergic. But it is my fault that I keep trying to eat it. I got to stop blaming the kiwi. I love him. It’s not his fault I love him. But it is my fault I keep trying to love him despite knowing it won’t work. I can’t blame him.

So as I write this, am I running in sunflower fields twirling and embracing life. Nah. I’m still a bit sad I can’t text him when Ja Rule come on. Or if I watch Cheaters I automatically think of him. Or the one of our mutual friends mention his name. But I’m moving on. And at least with baby steps, you’re still moving forward.

Think Like a Man (Hoe)

One of the most annoying phrases to me in the past two years for me was “Hoes be winning”. I just thought it was soooooo dumb. What did this hoe win? Soiled car faxes, STD’s, trifling niggas scratching at her door, the possibility of never getting married? I aint got time for that.  Was going to stay the good girl I was and I knew that I would prosper cause my mans JesuCristo and his cousin Karma would hold me down.

Now, it’s the story section of this post:

Due to the devastating effects of hurricane Sandy, I was stuck in BK on a Friday night. I would of just stayed the whole weekend but I had to go somewhere Saturday and the trains just started running. However, the train I needed to take was nowhere around, so I decided to call one of my old jawns for a ride (though neither me nor my homegirls believed he was coming). When the text went unanswered, I just walked to the train. It was whateva…

As I was walking, there was this Brooklyn ratchet mess in front of me. It was like a zoo exhibit. She had this switch in her hips that assumed she thought looked sexy, but she looked like she had a spinal cord problem. He weave looked like it was 26 inches of the finest Porcupine Remy Body Wave. It was fairly chilly outside and she was wearing a mini skirt with Uggs and a bubble vest. And her bubble gum pink lipstick and barely holding on false lashes didn’t help either… I was befuddled.

I was all ready to talk my shit on the phone with my homegirl like “GIRRRRRRL, PLEASE let me tell you about this hot ass ghetto mess in fro…” when I stopped midword because some nigga pulls up along side her in a 2012 Audi... He looks good. Beard. Complexion Henny straight… and did I mention the Audi? He beeps, and she turns to him and replies “Took you long enough to get here, its cold and you know I don’t walk in the fucking cold”. They then ride off on heated seats while I stood in the cold watching my own breathe billow out my mouth and looked like I just seen an alien.

It was then I realized I had not sucked enough dick in my life.

The End

Here I was, waiting on Karma in the cold (who don’t drive btw) for what I deserve while Kiki and Tron (I named them in my head) ride off on heated seats and probably to get some food, have a bit a sex, and then he either drove her home or gave her cab money.  Have I been doing it wrong the whole time? I don’t know but I saw the reality of hoes be winning right in front of my eyes.

I thought about it the whole train ride from Brooklyn to the Bronx. Something wasn’t right. Slinging my moot around like flyer for a party in a campus dorm could not be the answer. It just could not be!

As I really thought about it I realized it wasn’t the actions of a hoe but a mentality that didn’t get them left in the cold. The mentality that if they want something they get it. They don’t ask, they demand. They take pride in everything they do even if that means every night a different man inside of you *The Weekend Voice*.  They have confidence, determination, and gumption. They are easy to be around because they don’t give a fuck or try hard so guys don’t mind picking them up or spending a little cash to keep them around if it one less thing to nag about. My male friends tell me that’s they love they hoes just cause its stress free.

Please don not read this post and think “Let me go have sex with this nigga right now cause Sio said so… I wont be cold no mo’! “ That’s not what I said at all. I’m still shocked after 2 years that people read my blog never mind the fact that you listen to some of my “advice” (lack of a better word). I just want you to reevaluate you mentality. I am not going out there and going to starting humping anything moving just so i can make sure i don't have to walk a couple of blocks in the cold. This moot worth more than a heated seat (even though at the time of the story I was wondering if it really was lol). We cant say hoes be winning if we always put ourselves in place to take the loss. To get something you never had, you have to do something you’ve never done. That might be adapting a hoe mentality.

And if deep down you are still worried about the myth “you can’t turn a hoe into a housewife”, I understand, but don’t be. I know quite a few. lol

Could of swore I posted this before but...

I looked at my friend and said...

"Loving his potential is one of the most violent acts of crime I commited against myself..."

Yea, the words shocked both of us.

Cruz Control

"You can't keep putting your time in things you'll never be good at"

Wait.

I looked up from my phone with a face like I heard the voice go Jehovah himself.

Wait a fucking minute.

Let me set the scene y'all. We are at book club. Talking about "The Tipping point" (good book, y'all should read). And my homegirl Cruz is moderating this meeting. I kind of drifted into a random text convo, and then out of ashes… Here comes Cruz nonchalantly saying this statement that fucked my whole mental up…

"You can't keep putting your time in things you'll never be good at"

It must of hit home to others… cause before I could really take in everything that happened and speak, my homegirl stopped the whole meeting and was sounding like Pre Young Money Nicki Minaj and was like "Wait Wait Wait, run that shit the fuck back." Let me say this again.



"You can't keep putting your time in things you'll never be good at"

Jesucristo. Allah. Buddah. Yahweh. Krishna. Buddha. Jah. Lion Paw of Juddah. All of them.

Such a simple statement sent my head reeling. Just earlier I was looking at a pic from my birthday this year. A pic of me and my ex jawn/Gan. I looked at the silly face he makes when I say something smart and/or sarcastic and Im smiling. A legit smile. That was January. We hadn't even really started talking then, but we were happy to be around each other. Happy. Now a pregnancy cycle later 9 months later, we don't speak. I had to dead all communication with him because he had no boundaries and I had no limit to caring. The type of relationship we experienced… we would need a constraint. But looking at this picture this morning or all day, I said, has the Capricorn in me got ahead of herself again? Did I cut it off too fast based off of a fleeting emotion of the day. I know we probably would never get married. According to him I'm too untraditional, not submissive enough, and have too many male friends. He is too close minded, judgmental, inconsistent, and unreliable for me. But his heart and sex was amazing. People are so malicious now a days, so deceitful, just down right evil. He was this handsome man. Tall. Chocolate. Body was crafted by the African and basketball gods. Smart. Family values. Almost everything I wanted in a man, except he was missing the things I needed. But, those could be worked on no? Our relationship wasn't perfect but it was possible…

"You can't keep putting your time in things you'll never be good at"

I almost cried in the midst of close friends and acquainted strangers. Why Cruz just read me my life random through this book discussion ironically about drastic changes that were cause by minor or random factors or changes… a tipping point. She was my tipping point. I promise i was in a haze. Ironically enough, I got a call from my original GAN at that very moment. The one Ive heard people be like this … "Who _____? That nigga is a hoe/immature/annoying/opportunist/*insert negative adjective here*." Yet i still defend him and still Remember the Time like Michael Jackson, when he wasn't that person. I don't know if "that person" was just FOR me, or made up just BY me… The one i know will never work but you hope that it does. Hope the fact we just can't seem to leave each other alone (cause i tried the dead all communication thing with him but as soon as i saw his face, and read that text that he wanted to talk, my heart melted) as fake friends will lead to a real love *MJB voice*. I don't know if that was a sign from the Lord (cause you know his sense of humor is sick) but I just sat there and shook my head. I was legit excited for his call because he hardly ever calls but when the rings stopped short and i got a text saying "sorry… butt dial" my heart dropped, and again so did my expectations of him...

"You can't keep putting your time in things you'll never be good at"

I thought about my career. All the things I wanted to do and try. All the things I've dabbled in. Im a Jill of all Trades yet a Master of None. I could be though. If I took the time and stopped bullshitting in other things. Be proud of my skills and talents. I love this blog. Its my baby. I started it over 2 years ago on a bored night that I was home alone again cause my ex-fiance was home sleep or starting a new family…50/50 chance on both. It went from being my random thoughts to being my random thoughts that people related to. It became my sanity. However, I never post the link on FB. Probably twice in this whole time span because I would feel weird if my family read it. Why? Not sure. Im 27… but I'm a weirdo. My other blog, Kitchen Beauticians, is my dream. To make woman beautiful on a budget, by their own hands. Make their beauty their own. Working with the non profit I am involved in is extremely important to me. But I let other priorities, as well as nonsense that distracts me, take away from there importance. Like, why am I still tweeting nonsense from my Ms_She twitter but tweeting my business from my side twitter that I hardly use and has no following. I need to grow up and use twitter for good and not cooning. Use my instagram to positivity instead of bird activities. I need to get it together.

"You can't keep putting your time in things you'll never be good at"

So, now that Ive had time to process this, I must thank the gods of mix for bringing Cruz, my tipping point, into my life. Ive put time into things and others, instead of myself, and if i keep it up, Ill never be good at my own life. 

Tad bit Obsessed...

So I haven't even gotten a chance to listen to Miguel's new album because I have had Elle Varner's "Perfectly Imperfect" on HEAVY repeat rotation. Shout out to @TiffThomp for putting me on she made me say that. Her album sings my life… And just cause the weathers cold, I have no car, and I'm in my emo bag…. here is another of my favorites off the album… I had to include the lyrics cause i NEED y'all to feel understand what she saying…

If you're looking for me I'm the stupid girl
With a joyless smile in her own sad world
Walking nowhere all alone without a sense of time
On a cold dark street on a cold dark night, sayin'

This will be the last time
Through with lettin' you keep me on the sideline
They say insanity is doing all the same things
And thinking that you're gonna get a different ending

'Cause I've been waiting in the storm for you
Freezing in the cold blowing wind
Can't tell my tears from the rain drops
I've been praying for a little bit of light
Listening for your love all night
With nothing but the sound of my wrist watch
Stop the clock, stop the clock
Never again, never again, never
Never again, never again, never

I can't wait to hear what your excuse is now
You're a professional two timing clown
I can only blame myself I let you bring me down
To a place in hell where I couldn't find a way out

'Til I saw the real you
Your smoking mirrors blinding me from the real truth
And though I'm never getting back the years I wasted
I got forever to never see you again

'Cause I've been waiting in the storm for you
Freezing in the cold blowing wind
Can't tell my tears from the rain drops
I've been praying for a little bit of light
Listening for your love all night
With nothing but the sound of my wrist watch
Going toc-tick-tock-tick-tock-tick-tock-tick-tick-tock
Stop the clock, stop the clock
Never again, never again, never
Never again, never again, never
Stop the clock, stop the clock
Never again, never again, never
Backing it up, gonna find better weather

'Cause I've been waiting in the storm for you
Freezing in the cold blowing wind
Can't tell my tears from the rain drops
I've been praying for a little bit of light
Listening for your love all night
With nothing but the sound of my wrist watch
Going tick-tock-tick-tock-tick-tock-tick-tock
Tick-tock-tick-tock-tick-tock-tick-tock

Random Fact- I have always wanted to name my daughter Elle, like the magazine… everyone i told proceeded to tell me the name was dumb, including my ex. My love for this CD has now re-ignited my desire to do just that…Ok. Carry on.