So when I first started this blog, one of the things I let y’all know about me was that I am a crier. I cried for everything. Like coffee commercials. I was OK with it. I accepted it. People called me a baby but I didn’t care. That was me. However, in the past year and a half… it’s been a drought in my tear ducts. I think I’ve cried a good 6 times in 18 months… that amount would be low for a single month.
I haven’t cried since April. Legitimately.
I think one of my main issues is that I don’t want people confusing my tears. With everything that’s happened in the past year, everyone has been waiting for me to have a breakdown. Waiting for me to crack under pressure. I’ve wanted to cry a million times, but I won’t give people who don’t deserve it even a slight possibility that my tears are for them. I made the decision a while ago that I got to stop giving people pieces of me who don’t give anything back or I’d lose myself completely… My first step was my tears.
Here is the problem. I’m stagnant now. I feel like I floating in limbo. Before I could cry, let me tears take with them my stress… and as the evaporated on my cheeks so did my problems and anxiety, and I would be able to face any issue head on. Ever since I lost my release, I’ve lost my mind. Everyday I wake up wanting more but my mental vision so cloudy I can’t even see the path to begin the journey… wrong or right. You know that feeling you get when you spin around to much with your friends and you get dizzy and fall into each other and laugh and giggle… some people use that to describe love. Now think again to a time you did that completely alone. It wasn’t as fun right? It was semi scary… you were dazed and confused and you just wished everything was back to normal. I use that to describe my life. Maybe I need these tears so I can face my problems that people say I’ve been running from (which I really don’t agree with); maybe I need a new release.
I don’t know how I became this person who has hope for everyone but herself. Who is a hopeless romantic with no hope for romance. The person who loves weddings but realizes the fact she may never be in her own. The person who can support her friend’s endeavors but can’t even motivate to establish her own.
How did I become emotionally cripple?
I’ve seen this happen with some many people around me too. We try to cope, and put on a big girl/boy face that all our energy is drained. We don’t have the strength to do anything else other than keeping up appearances. But we get so focused on the out appearance we don’t realize the chaos inside. It’s like we convinced ourselves we are really OK. Until we get that straw that broke the camels back… then we crumble. Don’t let “trying to keep it together” tear you apart. If you need that time away so you can stop focusing on faking… take it. Get things straight. Real friends will understand, the rest… add them to the getting things straight and kick them straight out your life. At 25+, we don’t have time for nonsense anymore.
And if all else fails, stay away from straws Camel.
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