Could of swore I posted this before but...

I looked at my friend and said...

"Loving his potential is one of the most violent acts of crime I commited against myself..."

Yea, the words shocked both of us.

Cruz Control

"You can't keep putting your time in things you'll never be good at"

Wait.

I looked up from my phone with a face like I heard the voice go Jehovah himself.

Wait a fucking minute.

Let me set the scene y'all. We are at book club. Talking about "The Tipping point" (good book, y'all should read). And my homegirl Cruz is moderating this meeting. I kind of drifted into a random text convo, and then out of ashes… Here comes Cruz nonchalantly saying this statement that fucked my whole mental up…

"You can't keep putting your time in things you'll never be good at"

It must of hit home to others… cause before I could really take in everything that happened and speak, my homegirl stopped the whole meeting and was sounding like Pre Young Money Nicki Minaj and was like "Wait Wait Wait, run that shit the fuck back." Let me say this again.



"You can't keep putting your time in things you'll never be good at"

Jesucristo. Allah. Buddah. Yahweh. Krishna. Buddha. Jah. Lion Paw of Juddah. All of them.

Such a simple statement sent my head reeling. Just earlier I was looking at a pic from my birthday this year. A pic of me and my ex jawn/Gan. I looked at the silly face he makes when I say something smart and/or sarcastic and Im smiling. A legit smile. That was January. We hadn't even really started talking then, but we were happy to be around each other. Happy. Now a pregnancy cycle later 9 months later, we don't speak. I had to dead all communication with him because he had no boundaries and I had no limit to caring. The type of relationship we experienced… we would need a constraint. But looking at this picture this morning or all day, I said, has the Capricorn in me got ahead of herself again? Did I cut it off too fast based off of a fleeting emotion of the day. I know we probably would never get married. According to him I'm too untraditional, not submissive enough, and have too many male friends. He is too close minded, judgmental, inconsistent, and unreliable for me. But his heart and sex was amazing. People are so malicious now a days, so deceitful, just down right evil. He was this handsome man. Tall. Chocolate. Body was crafted by the African and basketball gods. Smart. Family values. Almost everything I wanted in a man, except he was missing the things I needed. But, those could be worked on no? Our relationship wasn't perfect but it was possible…

"You can't keep putting your time in things you'll never be good at"

I almost cried in the midst of close friends and acquainted strangers. Why Cruz just read me my life random through this book discussion ironically about drastic changes that were cause by minor or random factors or changes… a tipping point. She was my tipping point. I promise i was in a haze. Ironically enough, I got a call from my original GAN at that very moment. The one Ive heard people be like this … "Who _____? That nigga is a hoe/immature/annoying/opportunist/*insert negative adjective here*." Yet i still defend him and still Remember the Time like Michael Jackson, when he wasn't that person. I don't know if "that person" was just FOR me, or made up just BY me… The one i know will never work but you hope that it does. Hope the fact we just can't seem to leave each other alone (cause i tried the dead all communication thing with him but as soon as i saw his face, and read that text that he wanted to talk, my heart melted) as fake friends will lead to a real love *MJB voice*. I don't know if that was a sign from the Lord (cause you know his sense of humor is sick) but I just sat there and shook my head. I was legit excited for his call because he hardly ever calls but when the rings stopped short and i got a text saying "sorry… butt dial" my heart dropped, and again so did my expectations of him...

"You can't keep putting your time in things you'll never be good at"

I thought about my career. All the things I wanted to do and try. All the things I've dabbled in. Im a Jill of all Trades yet a Master of None. I could be though. If I took the time and stopped bullshitting in other things. Be proud of my skills and talents. I love this blog. Its my baby. I started it over 2 years ago on a bored night that I was home alone again cause my ex-fiance was home sleep or starting a new family…50/50 chance on both. It went from being my random thoughts to being my random thoughts that people related to. It became my sanity. However, I never post the link on FB. Probably twice in this whole time span because I would feel weird if my family read it. Why? Not sure. Im 27… but I'm a weirdo. My other blog, Kitchen Beauticians, is my dream. To make woman beautiful on a budget, by their own hands. Make their beauty their own. Working with the non profit I am involved in is extremely important to me. But I let other priorities, as well as nonsense that distracts me, take away from there importance. Like, why am I still tweeting nonsense from my Ms_She twitter but tweeting my business from my side twitter that I hardly use and has no following. I need to grow up and use twitter for good and not cooning. Use my instagram to positivity instead of bird activities. I need to get it together.

"You can't keep putting your time in things you'll never be good at"

So, now that Ive had time to process this, I must thank the gods of mix for bringing Cruz, my tipping point, into my life. Ive put time into things and others, instead of myself, and if i keep it up, Ill never be good at my own life. 

Tad bit Obsessed...

So I haven't even gotten a chance to listen to Miguel's new album because I have had Elle Varner's "Perfectly Imperfect" on HEAVY repeat rotation. Shout out to @TiffThomp for putting me on she made me say that. Her album sings my life… And just cause the weathers cold, I have no car, and I'm in my emo bag…. here is another of my favorites off the album… I had to include the lyrics cause i NEED y'all to feel understand what she saying…

If you're looking for me I'm the stupid girl
With a joyless smile in her own sad world
Walking nowhere all alone without a sense of time
On a cold dark street on a cold dark night, sayin'

This will be the last time
Through with lettin' you keep me on the sideline
They say insanity is doing all the same things
And thinking that you're gonna get a different ending

'Cause I've been waiting in the storm for you
Freezing in the cold blowing wind
Can't tell my tears from the rain drops
I've been praying for a little bit of light
Listening for your love all night
With nothing but the sound of my wrist watch
Stop the clock, stop the clock
Never again, never again, never
Never again, never again, never

I can't wait to hear what your excuse is now
You're a professional two timing clown
I can only blame myself I let you bring me down
To a place in hell where I couldn't find a way out

'Til I saw the real you
Your smoking mirrors blinding me from the real truth
And though I'm never getting back the years I wasted
I got forever to never see you again

'Cause I've been waiting in the storm for you
Freezing in the cold blowing wind
Can't tell my tears from the rain drops
I've been praying for a little bit of light
Listening for your love all night
With nothing but the sound of my wrist watch
Going toc-tick-tock-tick-tock-tick-tock-tick-tick-tock
Stop the clock, stop the clock
Never again, never again, never
Never again, never again, never
Stop the clock, stop the clock
Never again, never again, never
Backing it up, gonna find better weather

'Cause I've been waiting in the storm for you
Freezing in the cold blowing wind
Can't tell my tears from the rain drops
I've been praying for a little bit of light
Listening for your love all night
With nothing but the sound of my wrist watch
Going tick-tock-tick-tock-tick-tock-tick-tock
Tick-tock-tick-tock-tick-tock-tick-tock

Random Fact- I have always wanted to name my daughter Elle, like the magazine… everyone i told proceeded to tell me the name was dumb, including my ex. My love for this CD has now re-ignited my desire to do just that…Ok. Carry on.

Nostalgic

I miss number exchanging. Awkward smiles. Butterflies in my tummy instead of acid reflux. First kisses. Believing that romantic comedy endings are not far fetched. Getting excited for Skype sessions. Dressing up for dates. The warmth of knowing someone you care about is in the same bed as you... Cause something about their body heat is just perfect. Naming y'all fake/future children. I miss the "in love" sex. The scariness of the first argument, then the joy of overcoming it.  Running my fingers through a beard.  Kissing a shoulder just cause. Rubbing your hands across their body cause i love the feel of skin. I miss the bass in their voice when they try and reassure you they aren't going anywhere because your insecurities got the best of you. Sending good night texts. Getting good morning calls.  Be able to say I love you to someone and KNOWING you'll get a response back. And that response won't come with stipulations and bullshit like a significant other they just cant leave, or not being in the same book, nevermind the same page. I miss giving surprises.. And the look on their face cause you got it just right. I miss consistency.  I miss someone getting me excited to learn live and love with them. And nervous to see if they want to do the same with me. I miss the feelings in this song. Maybe I will have them again one day.

But not tonight.

What means the world to you...

"I am no one in this world's priority"

These are the words I uttered to one my closest friends recently. Once I said them the tears flowed. I've known this for months. The realization hurt. But I internalize it. Kept it in cause why complain or sulk? It would not fix anything. But saying it... Speaking the words into existence... Made it to real for my weary heart to bear anymore. It's a horrible feeling. Knowing that friends, family, jawns don't put you up high on their priority list, whether it be purposely or not. It's like being in a room full of people and still feeling alone. I honestly believe that one of the reasons i stayed with the ex fiancé so long. Once I lost that feeling, I realized I had lost him. It honestly just sucks.

During the past week or so, I've brought up this topic subtly in conversations and got people's thoughts. Crazy part is alot of people feel the same way. Mainly in a romantic setting. They long to be someone's priority. I actually felt bad bringing up the topic cause the feelings were still strong in me so I felt guilty for adding company to my misery.

However, today.. As I sat and pondered over the argument I had with an ex GAN about my attitude towards him... How I felt guilty for making him feel that way and thought about apologizing and really trying to work on making whateva we were doing positive... Then how my homegirl confirmed he would of just ended up disappointing me (again) with all his side activities... I had to wonder what the real problem was here. It had to be me. And I was right....

Let's reevaluate my earlier statement.

"I am no one in this world's priority"

Not even my own.

That's where the real problem lies. I put everyone's feelings in front of mine. My consideration is at the bottom of people's list including my own. I am not here preaching the good bitter word saying "yea girl, once you know your worth so will he! You're your own queen and don't need a king to be royal! Look at queen Elizabeth!" *pops gums, rolls neck, and snaps fingers*

Yea.. No.

What I'm saying is the remedy to feeling like no ones priority is making YOURself YOUR priority... Yea, it's nice to know people care and think about you regularly. Just take you into consideration period. However, It will hurt alot less putting yourself before others who may not do the same for you (that's sounds semi bitter but I promise it's not.. It comes from an uplifting place). I want to avoid these feelings. Avoid anyone having this pain. At 20 something, we have enough issues... feeling like we aren't worth someone's worry shouldn't be one of them.

Go first. Sio second. Lets hope I get it together in time for 2013.

3 Steps Forward… 30 Steps Back

And just when i thought i pulled myself out my feelings….this happens

#EmoSioBack 

Put in Some Work

I got a call. It was the middle of the night. He told me he loved me.


I laughed.

But then I looked out the window and it was definitely a full moon. Made sense. Yall know when the moon full, so is your inbox… full of bullshit. Cause there could be no other reason that this man who I had stopped dealing with God knows how long ago was on my phone professing a love for me when he never even put in effort to act like he liked me. He wasn’t even drunk.

One of biggest problem with relationships, platonic or romantic, is that people think it’s a right. No. It’s a privilege. Other than family (which is still up for debate), you do not HAVE to be in someone’s life. I really do understand why people feel they have an obligation to someone…

I don’t want to abandon them.

I care about them despite *insert trifling shit here*…

They haven’t done anything disrespectful for me to cut them off.

This is not me passing judgment, because those exact statements have come from my mouth. Recently. I’m a work in progress. But as times passed and I get older… things are starting to be put more and more in perspective. I cherish the people in my life. Friends, family, old jawns, whoever, because I know it takes a second for them to be gone. I try and make the effort to show them I care, they're appreciated, I love them, miss them, whatever… because I would hate to lose them AND have to wonder if they ever knew. I know what it feels like to not feel like anyone’s priority, even if it’s all in my head. I don’t ask that people drop their life for me, cause that unrealistic. I do ask that people make an effort.

Why am I always the one reaching out to meet up?

Why am I always the one initiating a convo?

Why the only times I hear from you is cause you need something?

I have had conversations with people while sitting in the hospital, who til this day do not know that I was even sick, all because I consciously made the decision to tell them only if they asked if I was good or how my day was… I’m still waiting for them to ask.

This particular OJ (old jawn) has talked about missing me for months, but hasn’t offered a time to meet up. I ain’t doing it. If it’s my pride, so be it. I’d rather be proud than be worthless. Because having someone in your life that doesn’t find value in your time or presence considers you just that.

My horoscope said yesterday that the value of gold fluctuates; it goes up and down depending on the market. But if someone you truly care about gives you that piece of gold, the sentimental value of it exceeds whateva the market is trying to say (I paraphrased of course). Your time, your presence, your self shouldn’t be when they feel you can add value in their life and not show any type of effort back. And this isn’t about being bitter or hurt. This is about having self respect.

I’m still waiting for a follow up text/call/email/carrier pigeon to the I love you call btw*shrugs*