Playing Catch Up...

So I am not going to lie. Sh*ts hit the fan. The positivity streak has hit a bump in the road, but I feel like my wheels about to fall off I have no clue where the metaphor came from. I am having the I am so un-accomplished, what did I go to school for, hiding my tears from co-workers by staring at my screen or down at the keyboard extra hard kind of days. Everything has gone wrong. I can't even talk to Stinkface about it because today isn't so much of a good day for us (adding insult to injury). I want to break down. So on lunch time I went to the Grand central Library and got some books (books to me are like tea for West Indians, they are the answer to everything). I picked up Young, Fabulous an Broke by Suze Orman (story of my life), Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen (that falls under PB romances) and Nights in Rodanthe on DVD. Unless I go to Cross County with my wife Diandra who I legitimately think is going to make herself crazy, I am drowning myself in books, tears, and rum and raisin grape nut ice cream even though I am not supposed to eat dairy. *Disclaimer* Not sure if I said this before, but I cry for everything. Its how I get my frustration out. Its a release. People don't understand it, including me, but hey... it's what I do *ye shrug*

Like, I dead ass don't even know how to get out this funk. I saw someone from highschool while walking back from the library, all items from the library, plus a chocolate cookie, in hand and she asked if I am OK. I said of course, why...

Another disclaimer- I don't know if anyone knew this about me but I have always secretly wanted to be an actress. I used to practice all the time. So if you see me upset, it for one of the following- a)It just happened, b)Its so overwhelming that I can't contain it (usually dealing with sickness of someone close), or c)I wanted you to know. I can fake happiness very easily, and since I cry so much, I know how to stop them as quick as they start, and look like nothing is wrong. So when home girl asked if I was OK, I know it was believable...

She said looking at the items in my hand, I have the makings for a night of someone who just got dumped. I laughed it off, we had small talk and I kept it moving. In the elevator I shed a tear. David (yeah, he is David today) hasn't dumped me that I know of but I damn sure feels like life has. We was going good for about 22 years, then I feel like she quit me. I mean we still together, but she really ain't feeling me like she used too. She flirting with my friends right in front of my face, trying to make me jealous too bad she don't know I will never feel anger towards a friends happiness, just wish it was a little more wide spread. Its like she trying to force me to break up with her. She feel obligated to stay even thought she doesn't want to. I know, I'm doing better than most, but that's not enough. Maybe this is just a bad day and ill be talking about unicorns, and bunnies, and holding Stinkface hand while we skip along the beach at sunset tomorrow. But today... I'm just thru...