I miss number exchanging. Awkward smiles. Butterflies in my tummy instead of acid reflux. First kisses. Believing that romantic comedy endings are not far fetched. Getting excited for Skype sessions. Dressing up for dates. The warmth of knowing someone you care about is in the same bed as you... Cause something about their body heat is just perfect. Naming y'all fake/future children. I miss the "in love" sex. The scariness of the first argument, then the joy of overcoming it. Running my fingers through a beard. Kissing a shoulder just cause. Rubbing your hands across their body cause i love the feel of skin. I miss the bass in their voice when they try and reassure you they aren't going anywhere because your insecurities got the best of you. Sending good night texts. Getting good morning calls. Be able to say I love you to someone and KNOWING you'll get a response back. And that response won't come with stipulations and bullshit like a significant other they just cant leave, or not being in the same book, nevermind the same page. I miss giving surprises.. And the look on their face cause you got it just right. I miss consistency. I miss someone getting me excited to learn live and love with them. And nervous to see if they want to do the same with me. I miss the feelings in this song. Maybe I will have them again one day.
Monday, October 8, 2012
What means the world to you...
"I am no one in this world's priority"
These are the words I uttered to one my closest friends recently. Once I said them the tears flowed. I've known this for months. The realization hurt. But I internalize it. Kept it in cause why complain or sulk? It would not fix anything. But saying it... Speaking the words into existence... Made it to real for my weary heart to bear anymore. It's a horrible feeling. Knowing that friends, family, jawns don't put you up high on their priority list, whether it be purposely or not. It's like being in a room full of people and still feeling alone. I honestly believe that one of the reasons i stayed with the ex fiancé so long. Once I lost that feeling, I realized I had lost him. It honestly just sucks.
During the past week or so, I've brought up this topic subtly in conversations and got people's thoughts. Crazy part is alot of people feel the same way. Mainly in a romantic setting. They long to be someone's priority. I actually felt bad bringing up the topic cause the feelings were still strong in me so I felt guilty for adding company to my misery.
However, today.. As I sat and pondered over the argument I had with an ex GAN about my attitude towards him... How I felt guilty for making him feel that way and thought about apologizing and really trying to work on making whateva we were doing positive... Then how my homegirl confirmed he would of just ended up disappointing me (again) with all his side activities... I had to wonder what the real problem was here. It had to be me. And I was right....
Let's reevaluate my earlier statement.
"I am no one in this world's priority"
Not even my own.
That's where the real problem lies. I put everyone's feelings in front of mine. My consideration is at the bottom of people's list including my own. I am not here preaching the good bitter word saying "yea girl, once you know your worth so will he! You're your own queen and don't need a king to be royal! Look at queen Elizabeth!" *pops gums, rolls neck, and snaps fingers*
Yea.. No.
What I'm saying is the remedy to feeling like no ones priority is making YOURself YOUR priority... Yea, it's nice to know people care and think about you regularly. Just take you into consideration period. However, It will hurt alot less putting yourself before others who may not do the same for you (that's sounds semi bitter but I promise it's not.. It comes from an uplifting place). I want to avoid these feelings. Avoid anyone having this pain. At 20 something, we have enough issues... feeling like we aren't worth someone's worry shouldn't be one of them.
Go first. Sio second. Lets hope I get it together in time for 2013.
These are the words I uttered to one my closest friends recently. Once I said them the tears flowed. I've known this for months. The realization hurt. But I internalize it. Kept it in cause why complain or sulk? It would not fix anything. But saying it... Speaking the words into existence... Made it to real for my weary heart to bear anymore. It's a horrible feeling. Knowing that friends, family, jawns don't put you up high on their priority list, whether it be purposely or not. It's like being in a room full of people and still feeling alone. I honestly believe that one of the reasons i stayed with the ex fiancé so long. Once I lost that feeling, I realized I had lost him. It honestly just sucks.
During the past week or so, I've brought up this topic subtly in conversations and got people's thoughts. Crazy part is alot of people feel the same way. Mainly in a romantic setting. They long to be someone's priority. I actually felt bad bringing up the topic cause the feelings were still strong in me so I felt guilty for adding company to my misery.
However, today.. As I sat and pondered over the argument I had with an ex GAN about my attitude towards him... How I felt guilty for making him feel that way and thought about apologizing and really trying to work on making whateva we were doing positive... Then how my homegirl confirmed he would of just ended up disappointing me (again) with all his side activities... I had to wonder what the real problem was here. It had to be me. And I was right....
Let's reevaluate my earlier statement.
"I am no one in this world's priority"
Not even my own.
That's where the real problem lies. I put everyone's feelings in front of mine. My consideration is at the bottom of people's list including my own. I am not here preaching the good bitter word saying "yea girl, once you know your worth so will he! You're your own queen and don't need a king to be royal! Look at queen Elizabeth!" *pops gums, rolls neck, and snaps fingers*
Yea.. No.
What I'm saying is the remedy to feeling like no ones priority is making YOURself YOUR priority... Yea, it's nice to know people care and think about you regularly. Just take you into consideration period. However, It will hurt alot less putting yourself before others who may not do the same for you (that's sounds semi bitter but I promise it's not.. It comes from an uplifting place). I want to avoid these feelings. Avoid anyone having this pain. At 20 something, we have enough issues... feeling like we aren't worth someone's worry shouldn't be one of them.
Go first. Sio second. Lets hope I get it together in time for 2013.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
3 Steps Forward… 30 Steps Back
And just when i thought i pulled myself out my feelings….this happens
#EmoSioBack
Put in Some Work
I got a call. It was the middle of the night. He told me he loved me.
I laughed.
But then I looked out the window and it was definitely a full moon. Made sense. Yall know when the moon full, so is your inbox…full of bullshit. Cause there could be no other reason that this man who I had stopped dealing with God knows how long ago was on my phone professing a love for me when he never even put in effort to act like he liked me. He wasn’t even drunk.
One of biggest problem with relationships, platonic or romantic, is that people think it’s a right. No. It’s a privilege. Other than family (which is still up for debate), you do not HAVE to be in someone’s life. I really do understand why people feel they have an obligation to someone…
I don’t want to abandon them.
I care about them despite *insert trifling shit here*…
They haven’t done anything disrespectful for me to cut them off.
This is not me passing judgment, because those exact statements have come from my mouth. Recently. I’m a work in progress. But as times passed and I get older… things are starting to be put more and more in perspective. I cherish the people in my life. Friends, family, old jawns, whoever, because I know it takes a second for them to be gone. I try and make the effort to show them I care, they're appreciated, I love them, miss them, whatever… because I would hate to lose them AND have to wonder if they ever knew. I know what it feels like to not feel like anyone’s priority, even if it’s all in my head. I don’t ask that people drop their life for me, cause that unrealistic. I do ask that people make an effort.
Why am I always the one reaching out to meet up?
Why am I always the one initiating a convo?
Why the only times I hear from you is cause you need something?
I have had conversations with people while sitting in the hospital, who til this day do not know that I was even sick, all because I consciously made the decision to tell them only if they asked if I was good or how my day was… I’m still waiting for them to ask.
This particular OJ (old jawn) has talked about missing me for months, but hasn’t offered a time to meet up. I ain’t doing it. If it’s my pride, so be it. I’d rather be proud than be worthless. Because having someone in your life that doesn’t find value in your time or presence considers you just that.
My horoscope said yesterday that the value of gold fluctuates; it goes up and down depending on the market. But if someone you truly care about gives you that piece of gold, the sentimental value of it exceeds whateva the market is trying to say (I paraphrased of course). Your time, your presence, your self shouldn’t be when they feel you can add value in their life and not show any type of effort back. And this isn’t about being bitter or hurt. This is about having self respect.
I’m still waiting for a follow up text/call/email/carrier pigeon to the I love you call btw*shrugs*
I laughed.
But then I looked out the window and it was definitely a full moon. Made sense. Yall know when the moon full, so is your inbox…
One of biggest problem with relationships, platonic or romantic, is that people think it’s a right. No. It’s a privilege. Other than family (which is still up for debate), you do not HAVE to be in someone’s life. I really do understand why people feel they have an obligation to someone…
I don’t want to abandon them.
I care about them despite *insert trifling shit here*…
They haven’t done anything disrespectful for me to cut them off.
This is not me passing judgment, because those exact statements have come from my mouth. Recently. I’m a work in progress. But as times passed and I get older… things are starting to be put more and more in perspective. I cherish the people in my life. Friends, family, old jawns, whoever, because I know it takes a second for them to be gone. I try and make the effort to show them I care, they're appreciated, I love them, miss them, whatever… because I would hate to lose them AND have to wonder if they ever knew. I know what it feels like to not feel like anyone’s priority, even if it’s all in my head. I don’t ask that people drop their life for me, cause that unrealistic. I do ask that people make an effort.
Why am I always the one reaching out to meet up?
Why am I always the one initiating a convo?
Why the only times I hear from you is cause you need something?
I have had conversations with people while sitting in the hospital, who til this day do not know that I was even sick, all because I consciously made the decision to tell them only if they asked if I was good or how my day was… I’m still waiting for them to ask.
This particular OJ (old jawn) has talked about missing me for months, but hasn’t offered a time to meet up. I ain’t doing it. If it’s my pride, so be it. I’d rather be proud than be worthless. Because having someone in your life that doesn’t find value in your time or presence considers you just that.
My horoscope said yesterday that the value of gold fluctuates; it goes up and down depending on the market. But if someone you truly care about gives you that piece of gold, the sentimental value of it exceeds whateva the market is trying to say (I paraphrased of course). Your time, your presence, your self shouldn’t be when they feel you can add value in their life and not show any type of effort back. And this isn’t about being bitter or hurt. This is about having self respect.
I’m still waiting for a follow up text/call/email/carrier pigeon to the I love you call btw*shrugs*
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Check In
Ugh i been neglecting my baby. This was my first born and here I am instagraming, and blogging for the other site and not letting anon know what my personal life going through.
Nothing.
Lmao. Sounds crazy, but I haven't had a Jawn, a Gan, a Nigga to hold my hand in a while. I actually been working y ass off and trying to turns some projects in prosperity. Hard to find a nigga to fit in there when you don't go no where to meet him. So hence why the blog has been neglected. I have come to terms with some things. I am about to be 28… It hurts every time i say it but i have to come to terms with it cause it motivates me. Makes me realize that i need to get this isn together. However, I realized this weekend, after being confined in the house, despite everything, I am happy. I had a horrible week. But it didn't affect me horribly. I saw the positive. Saw the steps forwards. Realize I could be worse. Did i drink a glass of wine and get stressed out a bit…? Of course. Most of y'all been reading thing blog long enough to know that if I said I wasn't I'd be fronting hard.
I got something for y'all this week tho. Promise…
Thanks for staying loyal. The trait is hard to come by now a days.
Nothing.
Lmao. Sounds crazy, but I haven't had a Jawn, a Gan, a Nigga to hold my hand in a while. I actually been working y ass off and trying to turns some projects in prosperity. Hard to find a nigga to fit in there when you don't go no where to meet him. So hence why the blog has been neglected. I have come to terms with some things. I am about to be 28… It hurts every time i say it but i have to come to terms with it cause it motivates me. Makes me realize that i need to get this isn together. However, I realized this weekend, after being confined in the house, despite everything, I am happy. I had a horrible week. But it didn't affect me horribly. I saw the positive. Saw the steps forwards. Realize I could be worse. Did i drink a glass of wine and get stressed out a bit…? Of course. Most of y'all been reading thing blog long enough to know that if I said I wasn't I'd be fronting hard.
I got something for y'all this week tho. Promise…
Thanks for staying loyal. The trait is hard to come by now a days.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
The real me...
Some one said to me, "I connect with you on your blog… i feel like i know you"
I hit them with o_O . Not because i thought they were a weirdo (i don't think your a weirdo, I was flattered) But because, i get real emo on here as a way of getting things out… Im really the weirdo. O might be crazy.. but whatever. Lol..
If you want the real me… see below.
I hit them with o_O . Not because i thought they were a weirdo (i don't think your a weirdo, I was flattered) But because, i get real emo on here as a way of getting things out… Im really the weirdo. O might be crazy.. but whatever. Lol..
If you want the real me… see below.
I actually think that best most accurate description of me in a nutshell (pun intended)
Regrets...
So, I’m sitting at work, and this song comes on. Jesus. I
put it on repeat. Have you listened to
the words?
“Does she want you with the pain that I do? Smell you in my
dreams…”
No. This song hurts. To my core *Mimi voice* Granted,
sometimes I question if I was in 8 years of devotion or delusion. But when
the tears that I swore long vacated my eyes, make a visit; I know I was truly
in love. But do I regret it? That’s the question I ask myself regularly.
Almost every female I know was made a fool of in love.
“I felt so dumb”
“What kind of fool am I?”
“You made a fool of me, tell me why”
“No time. No friendship. No love”
*exhales*
I honestly haven’t decided if I regret “the relationship”. I
loved him. DEEP. We had happy moments. He treated check the tense me good. But, the thing with break ups is, your newly idle mind is a devil's play ground. I think the happy times were all in my head. Like it was an
illusion. A well crafted set of rose colored glasses crazy glued to my face. My Facebook relationship status isn't the only thing that changed. I did.
I
don’t look men in the eye too long anymore because I’m scared ill see a future like I
did the last time I stared into someones brown irises. I don’t sleep in men’s arms
because ill have to scrub the touch of for months like I did last year. I push
men away I the fear that my heart will pull behind them when the leave me…
again.
Funny enough, as i reached for my iPod to restart it, i looked at the info… The album was called "Bitter".
Had it happened? My worst fear. Many moons and post ago, I said I refused to be bitter. But here I was… making excuses to avoid dates with men who showed genuine interest. Staying in my comfort zones of Old GANS because i knew what to expect (or not to). Hiding under my Egyptian cotton sheets cause the real world was too cold.
Then I realized… No. I made a fool of me. I stayed. I accepted. I endured. He isn't innocent by far… but I surely was an accomplice. I got to stop being bitter, and being better. (funny enough an old joint said this to me a while ago and I got mad. Who knew he was right?)
So, no. I don't regret the time spent. And although I can't say i won't hear this song again and my heart won't hurt, or that i am a completely changed woman… I CAN say the effort to move forward is now present…
And I just have to hope the next time i start to smell #him in my dreams, the good Lord grants me a sinus infection.
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