It's the Little Things...

My Godsister is getting married tomorrow. Her triflin bridal party didn't throw her a bachelorette party, so tonight we are going to dinner, and they are going to a club (you know I don't do clubs if I don't have to). My cousin bbmed me 3 weeks ago that we are doing a "Black Out theme" and they all wearing LBD (Little Black Dresses) but I can wear anything black since I am coming from work. She told me this 3 weeks ago. I chose my outfit this morning in a haste 15 mins before I am supposed to leave my house to catch the train without having an asthma attach from running. In a desperate attempt to put something together I grabbed these black skinny jeans. When I bought them they did not fit properly, but I kept them and wore them once (with a very very loose top). I was thinking I could get away with that same outfit when lo and behold...

THE JEANS FIT PERFECTLY!!!! POW B*tches!

This is just a little reminder that I have lost weight and even though its kind of slowed, I should keep pushing cause there is a difference. Thought I would share cause it really made my day!

Now I can't wait til I can't wear these jeans again... because they are too big

Yit Ta Dee!

Not Everything about being Beautiful is PRETTY...

As I write this, I have on no make-up. My hair is in a sloppy bun. And not that cute sloppy, just sad sloppy. I have on my glasses, with a dress, and rain boots (well, now I have on ballet flats. I am at work. I am not that bad). I have in a pair of $3 "pearl" studs I keep on my ear at all times so I don't look like a teenage Rican boy with my hair pulled back. However, I justify this look in my head since my glasses are Armani, my rainboots are hunter, and my nails are done. I may not look a whole tragedy. But I don't look cute. (Before everyone starts sending me BBMs and messages about your beautiful, stop talking so negative, blah blah blah *side eye at Dunni, E'Lon and Tass*, I know I am cute in the face and thick in the waist. I meant in the material, superficial aspect of cute).

I'm lazy. I admit it. The thought of loosing an extra 20 mins of sleep to slap in hot rollers, or perfectly apply foundation, blush, eyeshadow, lip liner, lip stick, and whatever else I may need just makes me sleepy.It irks me. (for those who don't know. I need 8 hours or I am no good. I am in bed by 11. On weekends too if I cant avoid the grip of you partying heffas). However, that doesn't stop me from purchasing a crap load of make-up... and clothes... and hair products... and shoes... and jewelry. I have a problem...

Its a lot of work to be beautiful. It doesn't come naturally to everyone. And even if it does, the maintenance is no easy task. Its annoying... even to those around you *thinks of Stinkface constantly picking up brushes and going at his hair even in the car like Chicago from Poetic Justice so he can get waves*. We submit ourselves to Brazilians, tight weaves and extensions, waxings, threading, a variety of chemicals and smells for our nails that can't be safe (I always wanna ask the Asians "well damn. Can I get a mask too?). It is a tedious and sometimes scary process. Perms, Haircolors, treatments, lipo, weight loss pills, hot hair dryers. All for temporary goddess status that will only last 2-10 weeks. And some people, it really doesn't help *side eye at this lady at my job who still looks like a gargoyle, even with piles of MAC on*

Now, don't get me wrong, when need be necessary, I clean up pretty damn good if I say so myself. My mental twin Waldo's sister thought I was a completely different person than the girl she saw in the FB pics...

SN- as I type this, my anonymous homegirl I have omitted her name cause she said i played her Gchats me and goes "I think I need a hair steamer. It maximizes your deep conditioner treatment to make your hair softer" *side eye* See what I'm saying blog world?

I have made it a goal of mine to TRY and make an effort. At least put on some mascara, eyeliner, eyeshadow, and another lip gloss other than Blistex. Maybe wear some heels to work instead of just my Old Navy sneaker flats. Especially when I go out with people like my friends, who are always cute and put together... *coughheffascough*. In my mind, I already locked Stinkface down, so I can bust out the granny panties (which I won't cause I love me some Vickies). But I don't go completely to hell because I love him, and I want to look good for him plus he would slap the little remaining color I have off if I went into full bum mode. But I do feel a slight, minuscule, insignificant, hardly even there type of way when I am out with my friends, and guys are stealing glances at them, or smiling at them (toothless or not), and they don't notice me at all. I am not looking, and if they would approach me, the would definitely get the *BBM talk to the Hand*, and a possible curse out (I am reformed, but Jesus isn't done with me yet). I don't even like attention, it makes me uncomfortable, squeamish even. But it's the principle dammit!

Now with that being said, I hope everyone understands, and doesn't judge when they see me looking "lazy chic" out in the streets. I am just not built for this. I will try though...

Baby Steps People. Baby Steps.

I Wish I Could Quit You...

I was on the phone today with a client, as she is in my ear explaining her interest in social media, and how it pertains to market research which I dont care about right now, I am singing Chris Brown No Bullsh*t in my head. SMH...

My name is Sioban, I'm a 25 year old Temple University alum, and I LOVES me some C Breezy... *sigh*

I hated Chris Brown when he came out. I refused to be infatuated with the 15/16 year old who was dancing and jiggabooing all crazy. However, 2006 was the year of the "Summer of the Nomad" where I took summer classes at Temple but had no apartment to live in so I wandered from house to house, but resided mainly with my homegirls on Brown street. *Side Note- That had to be one of the most random, most stressful, best summer of my entire life. Definitely in my Top 3 Best Summers.* The tricky minx, aka Niney, was in love with Breezy the 16yr old phenom, cause he was light, had dimples, and was from VA (basically her twin). Her tricky ass used to have me drop her to work in her car, but would only leave the Chris Brown CD in the car so I had to listen to it. She really wanted me to like him. I would listen to the radio, or nothing at all, to avoid being sucked into the Cult that was Chris Brown....

Until that faithful day

I was driving Niney aka Bubble accent over the e to work. Chris Brown was playing (of course) but I had gotten pretty good at drowning him out. She got out the car, and before I had the chance to switch to the radio, the beat drops for "Poppin"... The rest is history.

I don't want to like Chris Brown so much. I really don't. I didn't want to tear up and ADAMANTLY resist the urge to run barefoot, cross country to hug him during his MJ tribute. But I do. Can't change that now. Oh but that's not it! there are other things I wish I didn't like but I do... Forgive me sweet 8lb baby Jesus...

My Guilty Pleasures...
-Chris Brown, but we knew this

-Shoes. Not just shopping for them, but never letting them go. I have shoes that are falling apart, and I have the money to replace them, but it so hard to say goodbye (esp when you a size 10.5 and finding cute shoes is like finding a Christian at Freaknic). Stinkface throws shoes away when I am not looking. But I know when my babies are out of place and I take them out the trash and return them promptly to my shoe tree! Hmph

-Slim Jims.(remember, this is a judgment free zone). I love me some Slim Jims. Like, I can prob eat 8 in one sitting, and the only reason its only 8 is cause that's the limit I gave myself. SMH. Its horrible

-Reality TV. I want to be reading a book. I want to be studying for my GMAT. But I think its the thought that there are people who are doing worse of than me, and exploiting themselves, that brings me childish joy

-Goodo Kola. My west Indians will understand. IDK what is in that damn thing, but I swear its the 4loko of sodas. Its addicting, its like a super sugar surge of kola. And I am 83% sure there are traces of PCP, Angel Dust, Heroine, Crack, and/or Ex.

-Ignorance. Yes, I know. This is random. However, I love ignorance. I want to be one of those people who get offended when I hear the word "n*gga", or be outraged, when people make jokes about black people doing nothing but drinking Koolaid, and eating ribs, fried chicken, and watermelon. Or when someone says Porch Monkey, Jiggaboo or Coon. But I don't. Actually, as I wrote all of this just now, I giggled like a toddler being tickled... SMH...

I know there are things y'all wish you could quit other than your job. I KNOW I am not alone

And yes. I know I need help

All I need in this life of Sin...

Pardon Me, but I am about to get mushy

Monday July 21st 2003, was the first time I kissed the last person I would kiss for the rest of my life. Crazy right?

Me and Stinkface knew each other since December of 2001. I was 16, he was 21...(he sounds like R Kelley right now. lol). We didn't really speak til I was 17 though but since we exactly 2 weeks apart, he automatically turned 22. I instantly liked him. I told him this but he doesn't believe me. I remember exactly what he was wearing too. It was a royal blue jersey, a royal blue fitted. He also had white and royal blue Retro Jordan 11's. I remembered cause I wanted them but I knew they weren't out yet. I asked him where he got them and he said he went on the website and had them shipped from Japan. I think that's when the crush started. Lol... We were going on a full day trip for our job to a rollerskating ring. Poor thing couldn't skate. He fell and bust his ass. LMAO. I don't know how the friendship continued but it did. We lost touch for a bit. Then miraculously he hit me up for my 18th birthday. *side eye at Stinkface for the coincidence*. We started chilling and I considered him my best male friend. We both had just broken up with the people we were dating, and I had been going through a lot. He was there through it all. He offered to be my prom date and I was so so happy. Even when me and my ex got back together (for the month), I told him I wasn't dropping Stinkface as a prom date.

Fast forward to prom. May 22nd 2003. Now side note: I was a tom boy in high school. Me in a dress and heels with a fancy hairstyle was a tragedy, and him in a suit and trying to make braids look sophisticated, an equal tragedy.... but back to the story. 112- "Only You Plays" (random I know). He puts his hand on the small of my back as we are dancing, I lay my head on his shoulder, he raps Biggies verse in my ear, and from my best recollection, that the moment I fell in love with him...

Now, your probably saying, well if you fell in love in May, why is your anniversary in July. I am not aggressive when it came to men. I am very self conscious and all my male interactions we platonic. I had boyfriends, but never any that I approached. So I refused to put myself out there for someone I loved but I wasn't sure if they loved me back. So July 20th, 2003. We wanted to chill as much as possible before I went to Temple. I was actually heartbroken that I chose to go to school 100 miles away and may never see him again (cause people loose touch, relationships, and minds in college as I learned). We had no place to chill cause we couldn't drink at my house, and he lived with his mom still then and we couldn't drink there (this was 2003 when I drank like frank the tank, don't judge me). So we rented a *coughmotelcough* room and watched TV and just chilled. In the middle of a play fight at around 1am (now July 21st), he body slammed me (romantic eh?) and then kissed me...

I am writing this because I love this man with all my heart. We have been through high, low, and lowest. We have been broken up but our hearts never separated. I want everyone to know, who is always saying to me black love is so beautiful to know... it isn't. Its not the Notebook, or Titanic, or whatever fluffy ass love story the PB's come up with. It real, its stressful, it not a fairytale. I have tried to run this man over with a car. I have hit him in the head with a camera. He has ignored me for days. We are not perfect, but we are perfect for each other. He is the kindest, sweetest, most loving, corniest, most annoying man I have ever met in my life. His hugs feel like protection. His kisses feel like clouds. His words are my strength. His eyes are the mirror to my future. Not everyone believed in us, ourselves included. But God did, and that is all that we needed. I am not saying we over the worse, cause I truly do not know. What I do know is that we are 7 years in, and I don't plan on leaving short of death or him being on Maury *side eye at Stinkface again*


Happy Anniversary Babe.

Not my poem... but I like it

RISK

To laugh is to risk appearing a fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out to another is to risk involvement.
To expose your feelings is to risk rejection.
To place your dreams before the crowd is to risk ridicule.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To go forward in the face of overwhelming odds
is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken,
because the greatest risk of all is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing, does nothing,
has nothing and is nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrow,
but he cannot learn, he cannot feel,
he cannot change, he cannot grow
and he cannot love.
Chained by his certitudes, he is a slave.
Only the person who risks is truly free

I been Fancy Though

No one could rock all them stripes like I ever did... I was hottest thing jumping out the coffe pot in 1990

God may not answer when you want, but he always answers on time

This isn't a long post but I had to let it be known. God is amazing. HE knows what is right in our lives. We just need to be patient and have faith in his plan. HE didn't give me more than I can handle though just cause it was "handled" doesn't mean it wasn't hard. I hope HE forgives me for any doubt I may have had, and knows I appreciate all HIS gifts and Blessings.

Thank You Lord.

Can't turn a hoe into a house wife...

Sooooo I was watching TvOne the other night shout out to FIOS, and the Eve show came on. It was the episode where they got caught on "Girls Gone Wild" and homegirls husband hanging from her single friends. They got in some big hoopla confrontation and he said "Guys may date girls who like to party, but they will never marry them". Now, I think I agree however, men always seem to have an excuse about why they don't want to get married, but I digress. I am looking at the evidence around me and in my own life...

Me and Stinkface been dating for 7 years on July 21st. SEVEN YEARS. We have been talking about marriage seriously since 2005. Yet it took an additional 5 years from him to actually propose. I am not bitter or mad. I honestly was never expecting a ring, just to set a date and get married. However, actually getting the ring and hearing this statement made me think. I partied at Temple every weekend I wasn't in NY all of Sophomore year, and pretty much a lot of junior year. Senior year and second senior year hardly ever. But when I came home... sheesh! When I was in NY for the weekends I just wanted to chill with Stinkface and my family, but now that I was home permanently, and 21, I wanted to catch up with my girls. We partied a lot. Parties I didn't even wanna go to. BX clubs, Westchester clubs, City Clubs. Lord, I am getting sleepy just thinking about it. If you know me, for the past year I hardly partied. I actually loathe going to clubs or staying out too late. I hate the city. I hate seeing the city on the weekends. I would be happy bowling, going to Buffalo Wild Wings, chilling at the movies, chilling at someone house. Even if its a party, let it be somewhere within 10 mins of my house shout out to Mingles. I have worried about work and chilling with my friends in non-party settings. Now... Poof. I'm engaged... *side-eye at Stinkface*.

I mean, I don't know if this is just a coincidence. An honestly I don't care. It makes sense to me. Maybe its from having convos with Stinkface, or having convos with my male friends, but when a guy is ready to settle down... they really mean settle. They don't mind going out with you if they like to party, but when you go out to party all the damn time they don't like it. They may not say it, but they don't. They have this vision of you drunk, grinding on some random guy, giving out your number, and meeting the man you potential will cheat on him with, if you didn't cheat then and there. And to give men credit, some women are like that, as we saw in that infamous video that people *coughmecough* sent around. With these thoughts, you get the immediate thought of "can't turn a hoe into a house wife" which half of them end of doing anyways. Not saying they think you are a hoe, but men when they get in relationships get crazy. They are really guarded and don't wanna be the dumb guy who marries the neighborhood jump-off. I KNOW Stinkface didn't think this about me *another side eye at Stinkface* but he probably wanted me to settle down and get it out my system before we made it official. I don't know, I read into things. But it makes sense. I love Stinkface and he doesn't party anymore and neither do, I and I like it that way. We stay our asses home with our Netflix. Honestly, if Stinkface was always partying I would not have wanted to marry him either. In all the years we have dated, he went to a club with me once. I played the lotto that day. I wish he would go with me more, but I would rather he be a homebody like me (just a little more than me) than someone who leaves me home alone.

Now I have even seen a lot of women who have dated guys and them partying caused stress and/or to break up. I also know great couples who party together. So is this a general rule about women partying in the "when to give up and get married handbook" all men have (except the guys who married the partiers)? So maybe this isn't truth, but I still believe it. I can see why it makes sense.

The thinking your girl is a hoe is bit much, but I damn sure understand not wanting to settle wit someone who is never settled.

True Love

Me: You dont love me :-(

Him: I love every drop of you n*gga

Me: Even my pee drops?

Him: Lol. Yes. Even your pee drops



...He doesn't know it. But that made me day...

When Is It TOO Much Work?

Ya'll remember last week, the blog I wrote about the email convo on the Clutch magazine article? Well the gentleman who expressed those ideals on women and income hit me up on gchat, cause he read it too. I'm not posting the whole thing but he said something that was like a revelation:

ME: But like you said its not fair
Women compromise. Men should too
Him: also said I am a business man...
and my woamn acts that way
we arent gonna be compaitilbel...
cant have 2 super driven type-A personalitiesunder the same roof
Me: You can. It will just take a lot more work
Him: opposites attract i think -
yeah i guess it could work - but damn - I don't wanna come home from work
and work on my relationship
can I just chill and scratch my toes?
lol
Me: Now that is the realest sh*t you ever said

*Disclaimer: We had a good convo. He is a good friend of one of my BFF's and I don't hate him. Most of you know if I did, this gchat convo wouldn't of went past "Him-Hey" "Me-Why the hell you talking to me". I actually enjoyed the conversation. He probably gonna start wanting royalties for the amount of entries he inspired, *side eye*.*

Now back to his statement. That sh*t is the truth. I work 8-11 hour days, come home to work the next however many hours trying to make us work? I'm too chubby for that. I don't have the energy. I wanna come home, maybe cook some food, sit on my couch, and lay in Stinkface arms. Its not gonna be like that ALL the time. But I want that to be the norm. One of things I love about Stinkface is he is opposite of me sometimes its also one of the things I hate. Loving him is so easy. We can just chill when we are together. Sit at home and watch TV. And be happy. Of course we argue, and will continue to argue... but it not because we are trying to make it work. It cause we too damn stubborn and both want our way...

Like this young man said S/O to the light skins dropping knowledge, I don't wanna work that hard. I don't wanna have meetings about work, come home then sit and talk about why we argue, or argue about why we don't talk. Not I said the cat to the rat. There should of been a certain level of comfort and ease to start the relationship out in the first place, or it gonna be WW3 Ruff Ryders Volume 1 "tugboats" edition in that piece.Me and Stinkface started out as best friends even though the tricky jerk admitted he was only my friend cause he liked me, hmph. If you started the relationship not agreeing on anything, and arguing about everything... That's not fiery passion... that's a damn scene. I don't care how good the sex is... you relationship is a tragedy.

Now, some of these relationships do work out. If some of the follwoing criteria offend you I apologize. I'm not being rude or racist, I am just being real.

One or both partner(s)(usually the female) is of Latin decent- I am not trying to be rude. But it is common knowledge that a lot of Hispanic couples stay together thru EVERY.DAMN.THING. They fight daily, cheat monthly, ignore each other, stab their partners tire or back if they look at the cashier in Bravo too hard, and yet have a tat with their "boo's" names on it and "forever" in script on their arm the next day. o_O I can also admire this. It takes a lot of time, energy, and patience to go through this, and if they willing to go through it who am I too judge? It really might be true love. Word to Marc Anthony and JLo

Someone is pushover- Someone usually has to be a push over for the relationship to work. They are the first on to give in cause they don't want to fight anymore. Or the more dominant partner pushes them to believe that if they don't give in first that they will leave. Tricky Bastards...

They fight for the makeup sex-I don't think I need to say more

They slipped up early in the game, and got kids now they trying to do the "right thing"- Nothing makes people want to work out problems like a child. Its a little miracle. If they can create this beautiful little being, why can't they work out their problems right? Sad thing is, staying for the baby usually makes them have to work harder cause they hate each other and them selves in the long run for doing so.

Now if you reading this and rolling your eyes, neck, and what ever else is able to be rolled in anger saying "Not me and mines, we may not be perfect but we work hard at what we have and we are going to last..." Then that's great. More power to you. These are just my personal opinions. Go read something else please. Maybe I am lazy, maybe I am the pushover HMPH, but I think love is a feeling, not a homework assignment. Of course compromises have to be made, as well as sacrifices, but if it more work than happiness, I am just not down for the cause.

Just a pic to make me smile...

I miss the Bahamas...

I Am Not My Hair

This is my 3rd time going natural. But this time is different. I'm trying to change a lot of things about me mentally, and physicality and even Stinkface says he sees that I am in a different place. School is going to be different this time, so is my weight loss, and hair change.

I want to cut my hair off so bad. But I'm scared... I think I am gonna look like a little Rican boy... smh...

Pray I get strength.

Women and Money

So yesterday I was added on to (cause someone thought I wouldn't wanna participate since I wasn't single side eye at Jha) a heated email discussion about a Clutch magazine article. Here is the link:

http://clutchmagonline.com/lifeculture/feature/are-educated-brothers-opting-out-of-relationships/

Break down of the article for those who cant pull it up, don't have time to read, don't care enough to read, etc... They talk about how the professional black man is opting out of relationships until they are professionally secure which is around 33-35yrs old.

Now to the discussion. On the email were too corporate young males(I am assuming around my age *cough25cough*). At one point they said, they want to be at the point in their life where the woman's salary can be used for savings, and trips, yadda yadda. So basically, spare change. I don't think they meant it in a offensive way, but I took offense. I understand the whole "me man you women, I must provide" caveman philosophy. But spare change, I don't think so. I bust my ass, took out loans, pulled all nighters, missed my man... all to get this degree... to get a job to bust my ass at. And I am about to go back to school all to do it again, too better myself and my future family. Why is my salary going in the cookie jar. Maybe this sounds crazy. Somewhere a gold-digger might be reading this and saying... "this b*tch is dumb", but its the principle for me. I come from a family of VERY strong women. I also have a lot of very strong female friends. Even with my male friends to sometimes give me advice when I just didn't understand what was going on in that huge head of Stinkface's, it took years for me to kind of just let him take the lead with certain things I still just can't do it too sometimes. But don't devalue my money or education...

My friend who started the email discussion and me were having a side gchat convo and I said " I'm just glad Stinkface doesn't have that dated mentality" (talking about we couldn't be serious til he was completely established) and she said "that's cause he doesn't work in a big corporate firm cause if he did he would have the corporate mentality". "I replied, well we were together while both of us was in college. I don't think if he got a big corporate job he would think like that still" But really, what do I know. If he got a HR job working for AMEX he might of dropped me quicker than a hot skillet... :-( (We don't have to worry about that now. He put a ring on it... he is locked in)

They also said "we (men) have the option of getting with a 25 year old". So basically you let my homegirl's biological clock tick away while she hope you realize she is the one, then go get you someone new? Tragedy...

They also said that I need to face the "reality of the society we live in" and realize men make more money because women get distracted by making babies, raising said babies, and holding the family down to advance in their career. Men don't have to worry about that stuff *side eye*, so he can just continue to work, make more money, and my money is disposable. Now here are some fun facts I threw out at him. This should also motivate my females out there if you have any doubts about your future...

-"the society I live in shows shows that twice as many black women than men earn BA's. So according to the black community, the "reality of my society" is that by age 33 I will be making 12% more annually then you a year. Also, my society shows the majority of African Americans in upper level corporate management positions are single mothers (who multi-task). "- Direct quote from email

-"Currently the majority of black women make more than Black men. Partly cause of their education. Also because they were involved in many other things in school that gave them an advantage over their black male counterpart. Black women also 2 times more likely to receive a promotion before a black man. Also, studies show women are now asking for more money in job offers to cover extra expenses and can be offered an extra $5000 in a offer (when the average black male would only be offered an extra $2000 more than a women if they both didn't request money)."- Another direct quote.

I don't understand why men can't work with women. We are able to juggle a lot, including advancing in our career... Why cant we give you some pointers. Why do men see us as a hindrance to their professional development. Now.. don't get me wrong, there are some crazies out there who want to get preggo immediately, want you to focus all your attention on them, and not care about work. They scared men from the good women who are willing to compromise and work with you if you see them bitties, kick them hoes. They messed it up for yall. But a lot of men see women as an additional responsibility, like a car note, or phone bill. If they not secure financially they can't take it on or its gonna f*ck their credit up. Although I strongly believe money should be a factor in marriage, it shouldn't be the DECIDING factor... Love should

Maybe I am crazy. Or maybe I am a delusional person who hasn't dated much so I don't know the "single girl struggle". But I do know this. I refuse... REFUSE to go to work and not contribute. I think its lazy on my end and selfish on his end. I want to feel accomplished too. Too feel that I don't NEED his money to survive (which the guy on the email said is what he meant by his statement).

I also refuse that if (God Forbid... *knocks on wood, spits on ground, closes eyes and screams mama say mamasah ma mak ooh sah*) me and Stinkface get divorced, he not gonna have his cut throat lawyer say I didn't contribute to the bills... I'm getting at least half... Word to Tiger Woods Wife

Side Note- I do want to add, which I told the young men, they could have a worse mentality. They genuinely seem like good people. They could be on the street slinging rock with 12 baby mothers and their straight gig at home depot to throw "the man" off. They could be women beaters. I just think their views are dated. But having dated views on letting your women not have to worry about money is not the WORST thing to deal with. So they can proceed... and ladies if you have no problems with their views are waiting... I have their emails... LMAO

You Don't Know me... You ARE Me...

So Stinkface swear he knows everything about me probably because he does, and whenever he say "I know you N*gga" I automatically reply back... "You dont Know ME"

Thing is, I am right as usual. He doesn't know me. He IS me. He is my air, my heart, my thoughts, my sanity, and at times my insanity. After 7 years together, how could he not become a part of me?

Tonight I finally told him about the blog. As many of you know, I am very shy about this, and its not that I didn't want to tell him, I just was nervous about what he would think. After all this time he still gives me butterflies and tell me I am perfect to him (which I know he lying) but I guess I just didn't want him to think this was stupid and pointless, esp since he knows whats going on in my head anyway.

So to Stinkface, yes YOU n*gga... I saw you got my bbm with the link (I saw the "R") so I know you reading:

This wasn't a secret... it was insecurity... you know how I get..."ride with me babe" ;-)

I love you 7~21~03- ∞

Why Bad Things Happen to Good People...

"The good die young"... "The nice guy finishes last"...

We have all heard these quotes before. Sad part is they are fairly true. My friend told me last night she has cancer. I'm not going to put her business out there but she is a great person who has always held me down. Of course I cried and wondered why her? I think everyone deserves to be happy and healthy as long as it doesn't hurt and anyone else, but I can think of a quite few people that are LESS deserving of being happy and healthy than her. It breaks my heart. Like literally.

My Facebook status is now "I hate that bad things happen to good people... and life seems great for those who aren't. I wish life was more fair" and some people responded to the post but i got a lot of messages asking if I was OK and that they wonder the same thing ever day. It sad. People work their lives away to get fired. People work to fill others lives with love to have their lives cut short, mothers trying to protect their kids get killed with stray bullets. I don't know if some of my TU people remember Irene. She was an AKA, worked at Commerce and a sweetheart. I check on FB and i see status updates saying RIP Irene...her random sudden death shocked everyone... "The good die young"

People try to comfort you, reassure you. "Everything happens for a reason" "There is never a testimony without a test" "Sometimes you live hell on earth to live in peace in heaven" Blah blah mother f*cking blah. This is supposed to reassure me? And you wonder why people commit suicide. They just trying to get to the part where they can be happy. Yet we have people who murder kids, rape little girls, or steal running our cities and states. People getting mad a C. Breezy cause he hit Rihanna... and wouldn't accept him after cause of what he did. He did deserve to be punished. He wasn't right. But previous interviews he talks about how he had to watch his mom get hit by his STEP-dad (so you can blame genetics or blood) and how he thinks that is disgusting. I truly believe in my heart that Rihanna did something horrific to make him snap like that. But I wasn't there, and neither were the millions of people who judge him but can't see the sh*t they do wrong on a daily basis. Parents blocking his music wouldn't stop little girls from getting beat. Sitting down an explaining to them that they shouldn't idolize anyone but God and that his actions were wrong is what will stop it. But I digress.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am a strong believer of the "Everything happens for a reason" but when I am going the my "everything" I don't want to hear that sh*t. Last year April, my grandfather almost bled to death in our bathroom, then had to get heart surgery, then I got in an accident with my first car because of brake failure, then Stinkface got laid off, my hours got cut so after I paid the minimum on my bills I had like $10 for 2 weeks, and I wasn't even working a job I liked. It sucked. I thought there was no happiness in sight. I begged God, BEGGED Him to make things better. And of course it did eventually, and I know see the lesson, and how strong and resilient I am because of it. But every time someone hit me with the "comforting words" I wanted to punch them. I couldn't see the reason then so it didn't matter to me. I didn't do anything to deserve this. I helped anyone I could. I may be a tad harsh at times, but that is whats charming about me *smile*. Why me? Why did I have to go through this? But someone once said " No One had learnED their lesson while their are still learnING"

But I guess we don't get to pick who is considered "good" people. And maybe last year was consequences from my college Target days *side eye at Dani and Alex*. Or maybe God was telling me he missed me and put a little fire under my ass to make me realize I can't be anything without Him. Either way I got through it. So, short of death, I have to realize that the bad things that happen to good people, are the catalyst to turn them into GREAT people. Those who we have lost were just too great for this world...

So I hope if you are going through something and read this post you realize a few things:

-You could be worse off
-This is just a bump in the road to make sure your appreciate the arrival to the destination God has set for you
-Don't go through this for no reason. Learn from it.
-Realize that maybe God is just asking for a little attention

RIP Irene, Daddy, Gody Pauline. And keep my friends health in your prayers please.