Settling Down Does NOT Mean You Have to Settle

I have extended family. Love these people like we share the same DNA. We had a family dinner and in the midst of it I was amazed....

My homeboy probably gonna be mad he on the blog but whatever... I won't say his name though...

Two of my very close friends are dating, well... their in a relationship. She loves coconut cake. Like loves it. This nigga googled the 6 best coconut cakes in the city, then went around to each one... and bought it, then kept them chilled at different temperatures while at work...

Oh Ok...

Never have I ever had anyone do such a thoughtful gesture. Not family, not friends, not joints or boyfriends. Never. I looked at this nigga like, wait.... this is my friend and I never knew he was so amazing. I KNOW my homegirl reads my blog so I hope she know low lucky she is. We actually joke and say she has fairy dust in her vagina cause we have never seen no shit like this before.

But then I lie. I have seen it done before. I have seen GOOD men exist. I know a lot of good ass men. I just never dated them... and i guess they don't want to waste their thoughtfulness on the homegirl. LOL

But seeing this, it gives me hope. I actually truly believe I won't get married. That last relationship took a lot out of me... I honestly don't know if I have the capacity to give myself to someone like I did to my ex. I am a giver. It was amazing to see a man give to his girlfriend.

I am not one who needs gifts, or harps on material things. AT ALL. But the thoughtfulness of the gesture...sheesh. I sat and thought about the last 3 people I've dealt with. I don't know if the last 3 people I dealt with in anyway even know why my favorite colors are, my favorite candies are, my favorite cakes are, or any of my preferences for the most part in LIFE. And one of them was my ex-fiancé

Me, I make it my business to know. I know one hates tomatoes but eats ketchup... Doubt he knows I can't stand raw onions. I know one doesn't eat pork, but Im positive, he always got me a sandwich with mayo on it. I know one drinks water by the gallon, but does he know I hate water unless its ice cold? The shit hit me like a ton of bricks last night. I love doing things for the people I care about, but can hardly remember when someone really really went out their way and do something thoughtful for me. I walked past Madden 2012 in target yesterday and it made me sad. i remember when I used to buy David the game every year when it dropped, then myself 3 books to keep me occupied while he played. Kind of made me sad.

Maybe at this point, it myself I need to re-evaluate. I need to figure out where I fucked up. I do know that at 26, regardless of what I did (or actually didn't) do when I was younger, Im too old for the bullshit. I miss the movie nights, the sex,the dinner dates, the sex, the good morning text, the sex, the goodnight phone calls, the sex, the smile on someones face when I did something thoughtful, the sex, just the experience...oh and the sex. I don't have time for the mixxiness. I want to settle down...

But I don't want to settle.

I don't want to cuff the first nigga I date. I don't want to just be happy with a happy meal and a box of magnums. I want the experience, the thoughtfulness, the courting, the care. I want to feel the appreciation, and I honestly believe thats what I was missing with them. I don't know. Maybe I am asking for a lot. But thats what I want. I said this in January, and I will say it again and again, until I take my last breathe;

Id rather be alone, than with settle with someone who makes me content. Happiness is what I want. Mediocrity is what ill never settle for.

Keep Problems in Private

One of the things I heard the most when me and my ex broke up was "What happened? Y'all seemed so happy"

And thats how I wanted it. No one would know that I cried myself to sleep more times than I could count. Not even my best friends knew what was going on until the very end of the relationship.

My motto for friends, family, and romance "Keep Problems in Private". I know people talk to their homegirls and family members that they can actually stand about issues with their man, but I never got to deep in any issues I had with David. They would know we was beefing, but they never knew the extent.

I know people judge, and people always have an opinion, and sometimes, i wasn't trying to hear their wayward advice that wasn't tailored to me, my heart, or my man, so i didn't even bring it up. It was just going to confuse me more than I already was, and Lord knows I don't need any more confusing. lol

But, also at the end of the day, i was planning on marrying this man. I knew what an amazing person I thought he was so, why skew peoples perception of him? Why have them think, "damn he aint shit" when I knew at the end of the day, I still wasn't leaving? My friends and me are family, I know they wouldn't be able to be totally unbiased. They wouldn't be able to hear these stories and not want to protect me. Im the oldest out of the majority of my friends, and they all feel the need to protect me. Im not exactly sure what that says about me.

However, this isn't limited to my romantic relationships. I argue with my friends all the damn time. One of my closest friends and I can't go a month without a disagreement. I love her to death, but we bump heads constantly. Ill curse her out in one breathe, but if someone else says something sideways to her, they will get cursed out the next breathe. We have been in the same building, same room, same crowd, same table, and no one would know we werent speaking. I am the master of faking not orgasms tho. People always trying to get involved, and no one gets the communication right. Telephone was always a game that had no winner. If I ever have a problem... I address it at the source. We gonna talk... in private. I won't bring it to twitter of FB... Might bring it here tho, lol. And I try not to vent too much to friends. i feel like y'all get tired of it too much. Plus, when they get involved... this always get misconstrued... even if its not malicious.

I dont knock anyone who wants to talk about their relationship. I try my best to be in there for my friends at all times. and I try my best to be as unbiased as possible. I always say "I am the devils advocate" when my homegirls talk about their man cause I try to see both sides. At the end of the day, my loyalty is with my homegirl, but I wouldn't be a real friend if I didn't let her see both sides...

But what do I know. Im single...

Glass Half Empty or Half Full

This is the background to my phone right now



Not many people know my father passed away while my mom was 1 month pregnant with me. She didn't even know she was pregnant, and I assume neither did he. She doesn't speak about him much or have many pictures of him around. I assume she was hurt and still is so I never press it. I was able to find this one picture, and it honestly is all I need. Its actually one of my favorite pictures in life. They look so happy. I see myself in both of them in this picture... From his laugh to her kissy face... I embody both of them.

I get sad when see this picture. I think of the fact that I never got to hug my dad, or go to father daughter dances, or that one day if I ever get married Ill have to find someone to walk me down the aisle instead of automatically knowing. I get sad seeing his nose and knowing thats where mine came from, but he never knew that I inherited it.

But then I look at this picture and see it what it is for. The carefreeness in my mothers face that I haven't seen in years. The pure joy in my fathers. I know I was created with unconditional love. I see where I get my nose, my laugh, the reason I hate shoes, this El Debarge hair texture, the reason I can hold my liquor (they both holding a damn cup. lol)

Though I doubt the sadness will ever subside about my father... I know he is always with me. I feel his presence. I been saved from to many situations that could of ruined my life, or taken it to think I don't have a guardian angel in him. I look at this picture and don't see the glass empty. I don't even see it as half full.

I see a cup overflowing with love

I been looking for this video since 2007

Im crying

My Addictions

Starbucks Chai Tea Lattes
Old Photo Albums
Trey Songz
Twitter
Piercings
Tattoos
Hot Sex andCold Wine
Seafood
Reality TV
Hair Care products
Pandora
Someone playing in my hair
a hand on the small of my back, be it for safety or sex
Wendys fries


Lowkey, I think I am having withdrawal for all of the move except pandora

No Strings

Please excuse the coon music... it makes my heart smile

Someone said the other day... "There a fine line between fine line between friendship and fucking"

Welp.

Do y'all think you can honestly think you can have sex with someone and just be their friend? I think I may have asked this already.

My answer: Yes, but be I need to be honest with myself (I know i said this before on here).

Being honest about the reality of the situation is what makes it easier. My logic is crazy. I may be emotional but my logic takes all precedent

When, I first broke up with my ex-fiance, I knew nothing but relationships. Every person I had sex with, I was in a relationship with... so if I was talking to you, I thought we was cuffing (my capricorn pr joint said this to me tonight too, so Idk if its a relationship thing or a Capricorn. Either way... we understood each other). It worked for a few months, then reality hit. I haven't been single since i was 16... I am chronic cuffer! I needed to chill. I said before, I felt myself caring about him to quick so I curved myself. Best thing I ever did. Not cause I didn't care about him, cause i needed time to enjoy myself No masturbation, enjoy life without worrying about someone else in it..

However, now that I realize its over and it won't ever progress into anything more than a friendship, would i still have sex with him?

Yes.

Why? Wont that be a backtrack? Not to me... I am not someone who has sex with just anyone. I still use one hand for my body count. So to have someone I am comfortable to have good sex with, and not worry about what we are going to do, or where this is going would be refreshing.. (and relieving cause my anonymous homegirl told me that other day "remember your body pillow don't vibrate." lol). Will it happen? Probably not.. too many obstacles. But it could be done.

However, I have seen many a joints fall in a death trap with a past GAN cause they weren't honest with themselves. Thinking its just sex, but the getting mad when he don't take you out, or don't call, or flirting with joint on twitter... Dont let this be you boo. Please chose wisely. I want the best for all of you, and that includes being happy, and not starting arguments that can easily be ended with "But you not my girl tho"

In all actuality, its probably best to just move on. But sometimes, when sex is scarce for you, and good from him... the only thing you trying to move on is his...

Well. you get it

K-I-S-S-I-N-G

So I like to kiss.

Is that crazy?

I was always the one with the o_O face when people say they don't like to kiss. They say its too personal.Whats personal about kissing? Being so close to their eyes? Swapping spit? So sex isn't? Cause i think opening my legs and letting someone INSIDE of me is deeper than kissing to me. But i digress...

I had a convo with some pretty chill men this weekend, and although Ive heard it from others they broke it down more. I can not imagine having sex and not kissing at all, but thy say they do it all the time.

Wait... Nigga what?

They say they don't kiss the hoes. And honestly, thats what I would think. I was a hoe. You gonna just think you gonna hit this but not kiss me. Oh. Ok. Hold your breathe for that nigga. I am gonna get up, and I'm either spazzing or we having a convo on your perception of me. but either way... No sex will be had...

I don't see the personal connection with kiss, but i do see the sexual one. At 26, I don't kiss to kiss. Im not 16, this isn't a make out session...

If we kissing, we sexing... point. blank. period.

Clearly I'm not talking about a peck on the cheek, or a hello kiss on the lips... but if we gonna go in for 30+ seconds be ready to get it poppin...

i honestly think my lips are directly connected to my vagina. lol. If you kiss me, and kiss me well, you almost guaranteed to have me open.... I can NOT be the only one like this.

Like when Im kissed the right way, i feel the tingle from my lips to my toes. If we have had sex before, I am instantly remembering the last time we kissed and where it led. If we didn't before, I am imagining where it could lead. Its a tease... but low-key Im a glutton for punishment.

*shrug* Maybe I am weird...

Just In case you forgot...

I am a Trey Songz nigga... I don't think he is the least bit attractive... but once one of his songs come on.... Man listen...



its 3:36 am... what else but a lusty song would be on here?

Where have I been?

This is a legit question. I love music. Especially R&B (see Trey Songz post below)...

People sing their hearts out, about a love that transcends all, that can't within stand the test of time, that you see flowers, and caterpillars change to butterflies and shit...

Am I the only one who thinks this is just the gas?

No seriously. I think this is a ploy to sell records. Im feeling the love in the songs, and hear the words.... but some parts, I be like... "damn. Have I ever been in love, cause this shit they singing is too deep". But then again, they can't sing about about a good nigga, who pays the bills, take care of the kids, and play madden...thats boring.

Sometimes I just think this is the gas because this can't be real life. Love can't exist this strong. No emotion can be that consuming. Maybe I have been loving wrong... Shit, maybe I haven't been loved right. Either way, I'm semi-jealous... I want this feeling i clearly missed.

Boo, Why we haven't Skyped yet?

"Oh, you got a Macbook Pro? When you gonna ichat a nigga?"

Wait...

Y'all serious? Like someone said this to me. Those exact words...

I am starting to hate technology

Like, I hate talking on the phone... Rather text or talk in person. On the phone i can't gauge your facial expressions... Always been awkward to me. Text messaging was a gift from Baby Jesus himself. I can think about my response, review and edit if necessary. Think its my control issues. lol

Enter Skype. I actually liked it keyword: liked. Cause you got the comfort of seeing the person face and having a convo. But it as to be someones face I want to see. Y'all new new niggas take things to far... exchanging Skype names like Nextel pins (which i still ain't give out all crazy). And it don't stop there... Apparently after 3 Skype dates, clothes are prohibited...

GET THE WHOLE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

See why you can't give minorities nothing? Y'all take a good thing and turn it into a Pinky porn. Im not gonna lie, I got caught up in the Skype hype... went from skpyng in a hoodie... to skyping in camisoles... unwrapping my hair (when it was wrapped) quickly when I heard the familiar ring... putting n the MAC gloss i know looks best in the camera. Looking poppin for a nigga that aint even tuck his drag cape in for me.

But that was different. We texted all day, Skyped all night. We had legit convos... not Skype sex. He was out of town, and I actually cared about him...

Maybe I am weird. I reserve certain things for certain people. Like people who put their numbers on Facebook... or emails on twitter... I got nothing for them. It won't be me. Those are direct links to me. I don't want you to have those unless I am have a certain level of comfort with you...

Technology has changed the whole courting game. And I'm actually disgusted by it. I was one of the joints leery in chat rooms... yea I would give you by a/s/l... but when you tried to meet up, you got deleted off my Buddy List. Not everyone had my screen name. Now, a few texts and chat convos and people think they know you. They pressing you for Skype dates like you owe them money


To each his own, and if you down for that... just don't ask me to pop a titty out on Skype...

After you get cursed out... it will be cricket quiet...

Just In Case Y'all forgot

Its Still Temple til the Death of me...


Homecoming season coming #TUMF

Still Hurts

Im crying as I write this. I hate that this still gets me upset, but it does. This song has been on repeat probably since 11pm last night...

Its started last week. I went to Marshalls where WE shopped. I couldn't even stay in there long cause i remembered the jokes, the kisses in the corner, the money I spent on him. That same day, I drove past his old hood... My chest got tight.

After 8 months, I'm still not completely over 8 years. I know no one expects me to be, but I did. I expected the pain and bullshit he put me through to cancel out the love. That was dumb on my part... especially since I believe love conquers all.

I used to listen to this song when we were together, before I even know the dirt he did, and cry uncontrollably. My heart wrenched. Because I knew i loved him disgustingly. To the point I wouldn't leave. But I did, and it still hurts. I loved him with my whole heart, so I guess thats why its so hard to avoid the aching in my chest. I guess thats why its so hard to even think about getting close to another, never mind loving another. I don't even know if i have the capacity.

David told me once, he heard that you're not supposed to give someone your whole heart, so when they leave you, you have a little to rebuild with. Sometimes I feel like I gave him my whole heart cause my chest feels hollow, both my lungs cause when i think about the betrayal I can't breathe, my whole brain cause I can't get him out my head, my whole skin cause his touch is still burned on it, and both my eyes cause i can't see myself marrying anyone else.

I feel like an idiot that through it all I'm still hurt. I still wish it would of worked, that it was I was the mother of his newborn, that i didn't need to think of a tattoo design to cover up what was supposed to be the happiest day of my life, that most of my memories don't include him in some way.

I just want to move on. I want to believe when people give me compliments they mean it. Thats true love exists. I don't want to be bitter. I want to believe that I am getting married one day. That someone will look at me the way Jay did Beyonce. That one day I won't be able to relate to songs like this. I want to believe that not all men are liars, frauds, cheaters, abusers, manipulators, and that one day Ill actually be as happy as i thought i was.

Dont get me wrong, I will never get back with him. I am not an idiot. And Im not in love with him anymore in the slightest. Its just hard to stop completely loving someone that was the reason your heart beat. Its hard to stop thinking about someone who was always on you mind. Its hard to stop talking about the only one person your lips always wanted to kiss...

I guess in the end, it really does kill me to know how much I really loved him...

I told y'all to give me until September

*Feels Breeze in air*

Nah, but its cold. And when the temperature dropped, so did my mixxiness. I been over the bullshit for sometime now, but now the wind-chill is real, its set in.

Its been an amazing 8 months. The going out, the reconnecting, the new connections figuratively and literally, the introduction to a new world.... I wouldn't trade it for anything. I see the lesson in everything, and after 2011, i could probably teach a class...

However, I said give me until September to get this out my system. Remember I been cuffed like a 1st degree murderer since 2001...I needed some fun...

But please believe, its not been all Henny and Laughs. I mean, Henny was there but it was there to forget memories instead of create new ones, the laughs covered the tears, and the lesson learned where because i refuse to have regrets. I could have never woke up this morning, but I did, and I know thats because I have more to experience in this life.

So maybe next summer she will return (but I doubt it), but as of now... RIP @Mixx_She

Am I Buggin?

I legitimately ask someone this question AT LEAST once a day.

At. Least. Once. A. Day...

Is it me, or has everyone been losing their damn mind lately? People coming out their face, saying slick shit, acting out of character....

Ive said it before. I am the voice of reason, so if I am about to act up, you know its real. I been feeling the need to show people the crazy in me more and more lately.

Its come to the point where a system needed to be created. Example time...

You man acting up? He don't even see what the problem is... You're livid.. don't go left eye on the nigga yet...



Stop. Grab your phone. Go to the bathroom. Call up a trusted (unbiased) homegirl. Explain the situation..

Then ask... am I bugging?

There is a good chance you might be. Emotions cloud judgement. Calling a neutral third party and be the things that clears he smoke. One of two things will happen

A- You really was bugging. Take a deep breathe. Go outside. Apologize. and depending on the severity of the issue... you may have to cook, or have sex... or both...

or

B- I live for B. Cause you weren't bugging. You have a cosign, and at the end of the day, thats what you was really looking for. So now, you gonna go back out there with new life, not backing down, and arguing your case... and maybe somebody has to die

Its not just for your significant others either. Nope. Sometimes your friends acting crazy as shit. Like, you look at these bitches and be like...



I am a very calm person, but lately I been tested. Thats why this system has been working. But sometimes you got to show the nigga crazy. Like legit crazy... like go HAM on a nigga like Melvin (Tyrese mother boyfriend) in Baby Boy... snap on a nigga to get the respect. In the end, its all out of love... but something need to be done.

I know I am not the only one... I get the I am bugging calls. Regularly. From male and females...

Its ok...Y'all are not alone... or... am I just bugging?

Y'all serious tho?

I know I used to say all the time, I don't get this single life. Its been 8 months, and tho I've learned a lot.... y'all NEVER cease to amaze me. Like. Never...

I have encountered such mind boggling shit that I have to hit y'all with the big eye little eye frequently o_O

I have encountered men who go hard for a women, like will fight to make her his girl.... after all her resistance cause she doesn't want to get hurt, then cheat 20 mins after making it official...

Girls will talk all the amount of shit on a nigga, but turns out she was busting it open like a piñata for a nigga for a year...

Y'all really believe these "relationship rules" that people feed y'all to buy they dumb ass book on Kindle for $10.95...

Why do y'all do this dumb shit? We aren't 20 anymore... these are actions from people 25+... I understand to be careful but good God almighty.... y'all are idiots

Your not getting any younger... but y'all are sure getting dumber.

This is my disclaimer. Karma is real, don't fuck with someone if you don't want to be fucked with. These dumb ass moves will come back to haunt you. You will lose the one, and one is dead ass the loneliest number. Im not saying you have to treat ever woman/man like your spouse, but at least treat them with respect...

So people were good enough to take the dick, but not good enough to take a compliment...

So you expect her to act like your girl but you won't claim her...

You saying niggas aint shit, but y'all fucking you bff man?


Y'all dumb asses are not Benjamin Button, time aint going backwards... y'all getting old... That ass is gonna sag, them looks is gonna fade, and erectile dysfunction is real... you better find someone who gonna love you through it all

Dont play yourselves...

Im ready to play...

Love this song...

*Caution- this post has the potential to get lusty*


I actually talk about sex a lot. Not like, the procedures... but having it,experiencing it, numbers, what attracts you, dynamics (etc.).

I probably talk about sex daily. Which is funny since I hardly have it... but I do. Just random convos with people.

The latest conversation...Do you consider yourself a sexual person?

Me, personally? No. However, previous conversations about this, people (friends lol) have said they perceive me as sexual...I don't see why. I have said before that I don't think I am sexy, so wouldn't sexual be on the same road?

Ive always wanted to ask someone I have had sex with... but I just never do. Seems awkward. My ex said I was, but only way ill trust anything that nigga says is if Jesus Christ himself notarizes his words.

So what constitutes as sexual? Damned if I know... but with sex and me, this is how I feel...

I got to feel it with you... Not "it" *points to mens crotch* but "it"... Sex is all encompassing for me... I have to be comfortable with you. I want you to lose yourself in me. Im not gonna give you my all until Im sure I'm getting yours. You not getting the tricks til you hit me with your treats. I got a few secrets but i keep them to myself cause I love to surprise people. Its worth it though. Promise. I need you to realize that bite marks are the new hicky. I want your fingers in my hair, our skin to mesh, and i breathes to combine. i want I don't want to be another notch in your belt, i want to be a tattoo on your soul.

At the end of the day, that might be asking for a lot. That is probably the type of sex thats rare, and meant for your soulmate... so to be realistic...

I want to make you cum so you'll never want to leave and vice versa.

is that sexual?

Wake Me When Its Over

Dream released the official angry nigga mix tape not too long ago. Terius Nash-1977... I admit I wasn't pressed to hear it cause it seemed like woman bashing cd...

Don't get me wrong... its is bashing the hell out Christina Milian... but the cd got me... The track "Wake me when its over"... Man...



(This is where someone would ask "Who hurt you?")

I. Dont. Know

I hate when people ask me questions they have no business asking me. Like, I have no involvement, so why you asking me about the situation?

Cause you don't care. You're curious...

If you can't ask the person yourself, you shouldn't be asking me. At first, it would be awkward trying to dead my friend on my other friends information, but now I have come up with a system that works so well with me, I am actually upset I didn't come up with it before

Example:

Them- son. I see *insert homegirl name here* Had a baby! Thats crazy... She still dating *insert arbitrary nigga name here*? Thats the father?

Me- I don't know

Them- But you the godmother....

or

Them- I saw *insert name here* in the middle of the day the other day...They still work at ...?

Me- I don't know

or

Them- What you doing?

Me- on the phone with *inert name here*

Them- Oh whats her number? I lost it.

Me- Oh, I don't know

Them- -____-


I DONT KNOW. You will hear that every time I don't want to answer. Y'all probably like "She, You telling us now, so we know you know". *Taps chin* You know what? You're right... but guess what... I don't give not one fifth of a fuck. I am still gonna say it. Most nosey people ask questions they know you know the answer too. Thats why they ask you, for a sure answer. So when you hit them with the "I don't know", Its like "stop asking me damn questions" But nicer! Im trying to be a better person. Plus most nosey people won't push the issue cause they know they not supposed to be asking in the first place! I win... you lose... hahahha! *Nicki Minaj voice*



Some people still push of course, thats when I can act rude, cause you being rude... so its justified.

I advise all of you try this method. It works so well. It works even better if you can perfect the befuddled face to go with it like it's the first time you even heard of the situation or have no clue where they could be getting this idea from...
<----Mine

So, if y'all get hit with the "I don't know" by me... don't be offended... just respect my silence.

The Mutual Friend Struggle...

I dont hook my friends up...

Point. Blank. Period.

Dont ask me whats good with my homegirl cause I am gonna hit you with the "I don't know"...

Dont ask me if my nigga is single...

I can't stop my friends from dating. I wouldn't even try. Maybe God used me as a vessel for them to find each other and they get married and live happily ever after.... But its a 99.9% chance y'all just gonna mess and then break up...
¯\_(ツ)_/¯

However, I don't put my friends on... cause i do not want to be involved. Its all fun and games when they first start out... going out and chillen, Laugh, shits, and giggles...

Until they get in their first disagreement... then its the text that starts out "Hey She/Sio/BanBan... Can I ask you something?"

No the fuck you can't.

Sorry y'all but I stay out of it. Ill let y'all vent about the other cause we still friends... but don't ask me no questions. Or for any advice, cause I want no parts. My favorite line when people ask me for information/advice when they dating a mutual friend...

"I wasn't involved when y'all was fucking, don't involve me now that there is problems"

(and by "my friend", I mean someone who I knew before the dating started, and not thru the other person. Cause if i met one through the other, then we know where my loyalty lies)

I reap no benefits from y'all relationship. I want no parts. Im not picking sides. If i think one person is fucked up, I tell THAT person they fucked up. Cause the minute they in the middle of the argument and say "Well Sio said..." There is no turning back from that...

Most of my friends respect this rule and I love them for it. I always explain my reasoning, and most have known me for years so they know I want no parts.

And those who don't agree or get upset at my rule... well they just making it easier for me to pick where my loyalty lies... the other person. lol

Awkward Black Girl

I don't think I have blogged about this before but there is a youtube series called awkward black girl.. Its hilarious. (to me anyway)... This is the latest episode....



Enjoy!

Wrap me up...

So, Ive said it before, I'm actually amazed people read this... One of the popular blogs I follow (Max-factor) creator actually tweeted me and said she liked it. Lowkey I was gassed... Humbled... but gassed...

So when people talk to me about the blog, I always oblige. Love to hear their insight. So, I was DM'ing someone on twitter about it..

Her "...and the last man you dealt with, after your ex fiancé... I know how you feel. I been there"

Me- "Yea, I mean. Im over it now... just awkward"

Her- "So how did you get over loving him"

*spits juice out*

Me- "Wait what? Love? I ain't love him!"

Her- "Oh, they way you write about him.... your emotions seem so deep... I assumed you were in love

Me- "Nah b"


Soooo. I been out here sounding like the notebook? Thats crazy.

Let me clarify. I have so much love for the person, but I was not in love. However, when I care, I care...hard. Whether he knows it or not, he helped me get through a difficult time. I appreciate him for what he did effortlessly, without knowledge, and still skyped me through all the crazy...

Like I said, when I care, I care hard. He will never not be cared about unless he straight up disrespectful...

But that don't mean we stopped talking for a reason. I been nostalgic for the past few weeks, reminiscing about a lot of things, him being one... but y'all have to remember... I can count the amount of men I've dealt men on one hand... I don't have much to reminisce about. lol

However, I am coming out of Marvin's room before I get locked in that joint.

Can We Be Tight...?

Yea...

R-E-S-P-E-C-T ME!

Something got me mad yesterday. I don't get mad easily.

Actually, Im lying. Things bother me regularly but I hide my emotions really well. If you see my emotions its cause I want people to see it, or they weren't that important to me to hide.

But I don't show my anger easily. Yesterday, I did. I can't even tell you the back story in its entirety, but something was said and it resulted in me coming at someone in text, that I used to deal with.

End result, I told him he was right, I was bugging, and we was talking to each other regular a few hours later.

I honestly only came at him cause I felt disrespected. I felt like his words was those that belonged to a joint, jump off, a slide...

Not to someone who put all her fears to talk to him...

Not to someone who almost lost someone to find him....

Not to someone who mainly stopped talking to him in lust because she was afraid it would turn into love...

I also don't like to argue. If I see the convo is pointless, I dead it. And I get over it. I do like to discuss (I'm a talker), and I do realize discussions can get heated and turn into arguments, but Id prefer not to...

Whateva

Point was, I felt disrespected cause i felt like he wasn't the person i got to know, like those were the words of someone who never cared, and I can't imagine myself never not caring. Maybe the roots of my emotions get too deep. Maybe since I am not used to the "talking" aftermath I don't know how to act accordingly.

Again, whateva

Practice what you preach

I said to someone earlier....

"Chill. You always want the old thing back when you don't have anything new"

Why do I always tell people shit I should be saying to myself?

For my ATL Boo

My ATL boo @Borrah20 says she loves music on the blogs.... Well this song came on while I was doing the last post....



Now I LOVE Donell Jones... I know I have blogged about his "I wanna luv you" song. Something about his smooth voice, his words,just love him!

But are y'all listening to this song? (I actually try and include videos with the lyrics so you can get a better understanding of the reason why the song is up here)

HE WAS TALKING TO HIS JUMPOFF!!!!

Nah, like this song came out in 1999... so my ass was in 8th/9th grade jamming to being someone jump off...

However, thats not the point of the post. The point is look how things have changed but are exactly the same. Sounds crazy? Let me elaborate. Men haven't changed apparently. They still looking for a nut. Whether you have a man or not. But look at the difference in how things are said. He said it with such finesse and charisma...

"I understand you got a nigga that live at home, but I want to be the cat that makes you moan"

Oh yea? Some nigga said that to you... You wouldn't consider it? You lying if you saying it wouldn't make you pause for a second.

This day an age, niggas sing about not remembering your name, doing it with no hands, and slobbing on your knob like corn on the cob suck a nigga dick or something (I actually love that song tho).

There is not allure, no romance, no chemistry in this age anymore. You know why they don't make movies like Love Jones no more? Cause no one lives like that no more. No one can relate. Instead we get No Strings Attached and Friends with Benefits (and hope we so lucky as the end). Men are so blunt, without consequence...cause girls accept it. Hell, some even initiate it. Maybe Im old fashioned, or Im asking for a lot.

Either way, i aint settling until a man talk to me like Donell Jones...

(I had to sneak it in)

I don't know why..

But I love this song... Probbly my slight loyalty to Wale after her visited Temple, or me secretly liking cause Beth used to blast him and my NY heart would let me like this DC rapper...

Either way he has come up from performing on Broad Street... and lowkey I love this song... even thought its about him messing with joints as he flies across the country



My favorite lines from the song?

"But if I call you gonna b like 'Boo, why we aint Skype yet" (it made me giggle)

"Wome'll sell they soul just to buy some attention" (word)

"You'll probably find someone but you never find another" (men always think they special...lol)

Let Me Explain

So, I put up a post called "I don't got it" not to long ago. I even got a comment on it. People don't comment on the blog often so I approved it, but I am not gonna lie, I almost didn't. Not cause I didn't appreciate it... just because i felt weird. LOL

The point of the post wasn't to put myself down by any means. It wasn't a cry for attention or reaffirmation that Im cute. I know this already. Im not the baddest joint, but Im far from the worst... And I received FB messages, texts and emails about it. I am just realizing my strengths and weaknesses.

I love y'all for the support and the responses...

Then today, the astrology account I followed tweeted "Capricorn don't always present the most glamorous type of sex appeal, but they can be sexy nonetheless"

Guess, its just in the stars guys. lol

Follow my Lead...

So I am reading this book @TiffThomp told me about.... " A Belle in Brooklyn" by Demetria Lucas. Its about a girl who moves to BK blah blah blah. I am not that deep into it yet. But, I was reading... came across a quote in my kindle, highlighted it, continued to read, but then came straight to the blog...

"...No real man is going to let a women lead him. You don't want the type of man that lets you lead. And if you don't trust a man to lead you, why are you dating him, anyways?"

Well damn.

I have had this convo before with others females. Some are all about the man leading.. and all are about the "I am every women" independent woman, i wear the pants role.

I actually and in the middle (i know, Im indecisive as shit).

I have enough male friends to know that they all believe they run shit. All. Of. Them. Even ones that clearly don't, and we make fun of them for it. Men need to feel in charge... and as a female (and someone who was in a fake relationship for 8 years) I understand that sometimes we have to take the L... We need to pick our battles. We do not have to nag/argue/get crazy for every little thing we feel we have no say/control in...

Example:
Him- I got us some Chinese for dinner babe

Her- I wanted pizza

Him- Oh, sorry... I picked it up already though. I got you your favorite from your favorite restaurant though

Her- NIGGA THATS NOT THE POINT. YOU NEVER TAKE MY FEELINGS INTO CONSIDERATION! YOU DONT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ME OR WHAT I WANT...



Wait.... Where did that come from? Bitch take the L... its all still junk food either way, and unless you pregnant, that ridiculous ass response is inexcusable. This may sound extreme... and you are thinking "who really does that?" But I have witnessed it with my own eyes... I even done some "WTF" shit too. You don't know you doing it til its done. Take a step back and realize that he did a nice gesture. He could of come home, hands empty, only thing he plan on feeding you with is in his pants. Appreciate the act, and cut some humble pie to go with that shrimp lo mein.


I think in an age where men are more open to express the fact they obviously aren't going to be serious with you, where the GAN (check the dictionary on the side) is more common that a relationship, no woman wants to be "submissive" to someone who won't even claim her. Or get lead by a man who is only going to lead her to heartbreak. Its a weird ass situation...so let me say this

I want an equal partnership, where both people have say and/or take turns leading. However, I also want love at first sight, no debt, and a body like Mya.


Cars don't have two steering wheels for a reason. Not everyone can take the lead. And unless you anal and keep track, someone is going to be in the lead more. Let the nigga drive b! Kick your heels off, close your eyes, and enjoy the ride.

In my opinion, this quote is true... except the dating part. I feel like the quote should read "... why are you in a relationship anyways?" You should be able to be lead by your significant other, but only after the commitment of a relationship. I am assuming you wouldn't be in a relationship with someone you don't trust...

Realize though, you don't need to follow every nigga. Would you let a stranger take control of some aspect of your life? No right, so why this nigga? Oh cause y'all having sex? Bitch please. Just cause his stoke game extraordinary don't mean his sense is! Just cause he know the curve of you back doesn't mean he knows whats best for you. Chose wisely mamita...

All Im saying, do not be the joint that gets talked about cause you can not make a move without your man. No matter how much a man wants to lead, he doesn't want to drag. If you are in a relationship, find an equal balance. Pick your battles...and realize that sometimes "you got to take the L to get the W..." (direct quote from Pastor Mack. Lol)

Me and My Music

Little known fact about me, I really just started getting into TV after I graduated and left CVS because I had a more consistent schedule to watch shows...

Before that, I read books and listened to music.

I love to read and listen to music. I have a notes section in my phone solely dedicated to new books and new songs.

Music envoles emotions in my soul, and certain songs will forever bring a reaction out of me...

Im telling you this because I was sitting here blogging and his song came on from when I was in HS and I still get chills...


sheesh.

Locked Up

So I been unemployed for exactly a mont now. I felt like a sloth. To be more productive, I pack my stuff up everyday and take myself to Panera Bread and buy my fancy food and a coffee and sit my ass down and look for jobs, blog, etc..

Basically get shit done I couldn't laying in my bed on my atop cause Id probably fall asleep.

So last week I am with 2 of my favorite people... and I had an for lack of a better word epiphany...

I looked up and said....

"Not having a job is like being in jail."

They looked at me like I was crazy...

"Im serious. All you do is write, exercise, watch TV, and figure out what you really want to do when you get out. You wait for someone to put money in your commissary (unemployment), and when you finishing serving time you swear you never going back"

They both looked at me and chuckled, shook their head and said

"Thats good. Blog that"

To my 900 million friends on unemployment.... Keep ya head up

FREE MY NIGGAS...lol

I Care For You

Disclaimer: Im on my emo shit

I love this Aaliyah song... Actually, I love Aaliyah. Something about her spirit always touched me. Maybe it was the Capricorn connection, or just her natural radiance. I just loved her and I am not a person who claims to be a fan often..

But I digress...

Once I care about someone, Its hard for me to stop. Some people can cut off their emotions, at the drop of a dime. Thats not me. I hardly am ever completely done with someone unless they do some shady shit to me or someone I love who didn't deserve it. I can see people I haven't spoken to in years and because I genuinely care for them, seeing them brings me joy.

Fucked up part is seeing someone you care about who doesn't return it. Not even on some grimy level. Just genuinely doesn't feel the same.

So they don't realize the dumb shit they do actually hurts you...

So you have no right to say anything cause your not supposed to care still...

So you have to sit with your mouth shut, only opening it to ask your homegirls "Am I bugging?"

If I stop dealing with someone, and I cared about them at one point, its not gonna just go away. Its gonna be there probably forever. I haven't been with the ex before this last ex since 2003... I know I still care about him. Not even on some I want to be with him type caring.... But that I will genuinely be concerned with his life, be sad if he isn't happy, help if I can.

Y'all ever heard this song?


This pretty much sums up how I feel about anyone I let in intimately.

Lowkey this post was a subliminal