Still Hurts

Im crying as I write this. I hate that this still gets me upset, but it does. This song has been on repeat probably since 11pm last night...

Its started last week. I went to Marshalls where WE shopped. I couldn't even stay in there long cause i remembered the jokes, the kisses in the corner, the money I spent on him. That same day, I drove past his old hood... My chest got tight.

After 8 months, I'm still not completely over 8 years. I know no one expects me to be, but I did. I expected the pain and bullshit he put me through to cancel out the love. That was dumb on my part... especially since I believe love conquers all.

I used to listen to this song when we were together, before I even know the dirt he did, and cry uncontrollably. My heart wrenched. Because I knew i loved him disgustingly. To the point I wouldn't leave. But I did, and it still hurts. I loved him with my whole heart, so I guess thats why its so hard to avoid the aching in my chest. I guess thats why its so hard to even think about getting close to another, never mind loving another. I don't even know if i have the capacity.

David told me once, he heard that you're not supposed to give someone your whole heart, so when they leave you, you have a little to rebuild with. Sometimes I feel like I gave him my whole heart cause my chest feels hollow, both my lungs cause when i think about the betrayal I can't breathe, my whole brain cause I can't get him out my head, my whole skin cause his touch is still burned on it, and both my eyes cause i can't see myself marrying anyone else.

I feel like an idiot that through it all I'm still hurt. I still wish it would of worked, that it was I was the mother of his newborn, that i didn't need to think of a tattoo design to cover up what was supposed to be the happiest day of my life, that most of my memories don't include him in some way.

I just want to move on. I want to believe when people give me compliments they mean it. Thats true love exists. I don't want to be bitter. I want to believe that I am getting married one day. That someone will look at me the way Jay did Beyonce. That one day I won't be able to relate to songs like this. I want to believe that not all men are liars, frauds, cheaters, abusers, manipulators, and that one day Ill actually be as happy as i thought i was.

Dont get me wrong, I will never get back with him. I am not an idiot. And Im not in love with him anymore in the slightest. Its just hard to stop completely loving someone that was the reason your heart beat. Its hard to stop thinking about someone who was always on you mind. Its hard to stop talking about the only one person your lips always wanted to kiss...

I guess in the end, it really does kill me to know how much I really loved him...