Cant blame the Kiwi

So as a blogger (which I really don’t think I am but whatever), I love reading other peoples blogs. One of the best things about it is finding out you are not the only person who thinks this way. You are not crazy. One of my favorite emo blogs is www.marcandangel.com. They did a recent post called 10 ways to Break Your Own Heart (yea the titles sounds corny but bear with me guys). Here is the list:


1. Let people invalidate or minimize how you feel. – If you feel something, you feel it and it’s real to you. Nothing anyone says has the power to invalidate that, ever. No one else lives in your body, or sees life through your eyes. No one else has lived through your exact experiences. And so, no one else has the right to dictate or judge how you feel. Your feelings are important. Don’t let anyone lead you to believe otherwise.

2. Regret every mistake you’ve ever made. – If you regret some of the decisions you’ve made in the past, stop being so hard on yourself. At that time, you did your best with the knowledge you had. At that time, you did your best with the experience you had. Your decisions were made with a younger mind. If you were to make these decisions with the wisdom you have now, you would choose differently. So give yourself a break. Time and experience has a wonderful way of helping us prosper, grow and learn to make better choices today, for ourselves and those we care for. Read Emotional Freedom .

3. Take your loved ones for granted. – Someday, for one reason or another, there will be someone you miss dearly. Missing this person will have nothing to do with how long it’s been since you’ve seen them, or the amount of time since you’ve talked. It will be about that very moment when you’re doing something and you wish they were right there with you. So be sure to appreciate every moment you get to spend with the people who matter to you.

4. Let your ego get the best of you. – Sometimes we choose to be wrong, not because we really are wrong, but because we value our relationship more than our pride. When two people who care about each other fight, both are wrong. They have put some kind of superficial outcome over love and compromise. The one who apologizes and makes up first, is the one who is right.

5. Get involved in every petty argument that comes your way. – Being strong doesn’t mean you have to stay and fight all the battles and petty arguments that come your way. Being strong doesn’t mean you have to respond to rude remarks. Don’t retort by throwing insults back at them. Don’t bring yourself down to their level. That’s what they want. Keep your dignity. True strength is being smart enough to walk away from all the nonsense with your head held high. Read The Four Agreements .

6. Join the negativity committee. – No matter how much negativity is thrown at you by others, there is absolutely no need for you to stay put and participate in the self-destruction they choose for their own lives. You decide how your soul grows. The extent of your happiness depends on the quality of your thoughts. So be positive. Some of the best days of your life haven’t happened yet.

7. Rush love. – A good relationship is when two people accept each other’s past, support each other’s present, and love each other enough to encourage each other’s future. So don’t rush love. Find a partner who encourages you to grow, who won’t cling to you, who will let you go out into the world, and trust that you will come back. This is what true love is all about, and it’s always worth the wait.

8. Hold on to those who don’t want to stay. – It’s really painful to say goodbye to someone that you don’t want to let go of, but it’s even more painful to hold on to them if they never wanted to stay in the first place. If someone doesn’t show you the same love that you show them, and acts as if you are unimportant most of the time, this may be a big clue as to the fact that you don’t need them in your life either. The only people you truly need in your life are those who respect you and want you to be in theirs.

9. Ignore every bit of constructive criticism you receive. – The worst lies are the ones we tell ourselves. A true friend will always speak the truth, even if it hurts. So don’t assume that every critic in your life is a hater. Not everyone is hating on you. Some people truly care about you, and are simply telling you the truth that you have been subconsciously denying. Read The Mastery of Love .

10. Give up on yourself. – Maneuvering through difficult times is a lot like driving through dense fog. You can’t always see where you’re going, you feel a little lost, you want to turn back, and every mile feels like forever. Yet, scared or fatigued as you might be, there’s nothing you can do but breathe, focus on the road ahead, keep moving forward, and trust that a force with keener vision than yours is out there functioning as your guide

Y’all see number 8 in bold? Yea, there is a reason for that. I figured this out a while ago. As I write this I’m coming off of a self induced depression after having to cut off the original GAN. I been moping for days after sending him an email letting him know we tried but failed. We cant be active in each others lives anymore. It hurt but whateva. I just didn’t get why he was ok hurting me like this… then I read the post.

I was hurting my mother fucking self.

I’m allergic to kiwi. It’s not the kiwi fault I’m allergic. But it is my fault that I keep trying to eat it. I got to stop blaming the kiwi. I love him. It’s not his fault I love him. But it is my fault I keep trying to love him despite knowing it won’t work. I can’t blame him.

So as I write this, am I running in sunflower fields twirling and embracing life. Nah. I’m still a bit sad I can’t text him when Ja Rule come on. Or if I watch Cheaters I automatically think of him. Or the one of our mutual friends mention his name. But I’m moving on. And at least with baby steps, you’re still moving forward.

Think Like a Man (Hoe)

One of the most annoying phrases to me in the past two years for me was “Hoes be winning”. I just thought it was soooooo dumb. What did this hoe win? Soiled car faxes, STD’s, trifling niggas scratching at her door, the possibility of never getting married? I aint got time for that.  Was going to stay the good girl I was and I knew that I would prosper cause my mans JesuCristo and his cousin Karma would hold me down.

Now, it’s the story section of this post:

Due to the devastating effects of hurricane Sandy, I was stuck in BK on a Friday night. I would of just stayed the whole weekend but I had to go somewhere Saturday and the trains just started running. However, the train I needed to take was nowhere around, so I decided to call one of my old jawns for a ride (though neither me nor my homegirls believed he was coming). When the text went unanswered, I just walked to the train. It was whateva…

As I was walking, there was this Brooklyn ratchet mess in front of me. It was like a zoo exhibit. She had this switch in her hips that assumed she thought looked sexy, but she looked like she had a spinal cord problem. He weave looked like it was 26 inches of the finest Porcupine Remy Body Wave. It was fairly chilly outside and she was wearing a mini skirt with Uggs and a bubble vest. And her bubble gum pink lipstick and barely holding on false lashes didn’t help either… I was befuddled.

I was all ready to talk my shit on the phone with my homegirl like “GIRRRRRRL, PLEASE let me tell you about this hot ass ghetto mess in fro…” when I stopped midword because some nigga pulls up along side her in a 2012 Audi... He looks good. Beard. Complexion Henny straight… and did I mention the Audi? He beeps, and she turns to him and replies “Took you long enough to get here, its cold and you know I don’t walk in the fucking cold”. They then ride off on heated seats while I stood in the cold watching my own breathe billow out my mouth and looked like I just seen an alien.

It was then I realized I had not sucked enough dick in my life.

The End

Here I was, waiting on Karma in the cold (who don’t drive btw) for what I deserve while Kiki and Tron (I named them in my head) ride off on heated seats and probably to get some food, have a bit a sex, and then he either drove her home or gave her cab money.  Have I been doing it wrong the whole time? I don’t know but I saw the reality of hoes be winning right in front of my eyes.

I thought about it the whole train ride from Brooklyn to the Bronx. Something wasn’t right. Slinging my moot around like flyer for a party in a campus dorm could not be the answer. It just could not be!

As I really thought about it I realized it wasn’t the actions of a hoe but a mentality that didn’t get them left in the cold. The mentality that if they want something they get it. They don’t ask, they demand. They take pride in everything they do even if that means every night a different man inside of you *The Weekend Voice*.  They have confidence, determination, and gumption. They are easy to be around because they don’t give a fuck or try hard so guys don’t mind picking them up or spending a little cash to keep them around if it one less thing to nag about. My male friends tell me that’s they love they hoes just cause its stress free.

Please don not read this post and think “Let me go have sex with this nigga right now cause Sio said so… I wont be cold no mo’! “ That’s not what I said at all. I’m still shocked after 2 years that people read my blog never mind the fact that you listen to some of my “advice” (lack of a better word). I just want you to reevaluate you mentality. I am not going out there and going to starting humping anything moving just so i can make sure i don't have to walk a couple of blocks in the cold. This moot worth more than a heated seat (even though at the time of the story I was wondering if it really was lol). We cant say hoes be winning if we always put ourselves in place to take the loss. To get something you never had, you have to do something you’ve never done. That might be adapting a hoe mentality.

And if deep down you are still worried about the myth “you can’t turn a hoe into a housewife”, I understand, but don’t be. I know quite a few. lol

Could of swore I posted this before but...

I looked at my friend and said...

"Loving his potential is one of the most violent acts of crime I commited against myself..."

Yea, the words shocked both of us.

Cruz Control

"You can't keep putting your time in things you'll never be good at"

Wait.

I looked up from my phone with a face like I heard the voice go Jehovah himself.

Wait a fucking minute.

Let me set the scene y'all. We are at book club. Talking about "The Tipping point" (good book, y'all should read). And my homegirl Cruz is moderating this meeting. I kind of drifted into a random text convo, and then out of ashes… Here comes Cruz nonchalantly saying this statement that fucked my whole mental up…

"You can't keep putting your time in things you'll never be good at"

It must of hit home to others… cause before I could really take in everything that happened and speak, my homegirl stopped the whole meeting and was sounding like Pre Young Money Nicki Minaj and was like "Wait Wait Wait, run that shit the fuck back." Let me say this again.



"You can't keep putting your time in things you'll never be good at"

Jesucristo. Allah. Buddah. Yahweh. Krishna. Buddha. Jah. Lion Paw of Juddah. All of them.

Such a simple statement sent my head reeling. Just earlier I was looking at a pic from my birthday this year. A pic of me and my ex jawn/Gan. I looked at the silly face he makes when I say something smart and/or sarcastic and Im smiling. A legit smile. That was January. We hadn't even really started talking then, but we were happy to be around each other. Happy. Now a pregnancy cycle later 9 months later, we don't speak. I had to dead all communication with him because he had no boundaries and I had no limit to caring. The type of relationship we experienced… we would need a constraint. But looking at this picture this morning or all day, I said, has the Capricorn in me got ahead of herself again? Did I cut it off too fast based off of a fleeting emotion of the day. I know we probably would never get married. According to him I'm too untraditional, not submissive enough, and have too many male friends. He is too close minded, judgmental, inconsistent, and unreliable for me. But his heart and sex was amazing. People are so malicious now a days, so deceitful, just down right evil. He was this handsome man. Tall. Chocolate. Body was crafted by the African and basketball gods. Smart. Family values. Almost everything I wanted in a man, except he was missing the things I needed. But, those could be worked on no? Our relationship wasn't perfect but it was possible…

"You can't keep putting your time in things you'll never be good at"

I almost cried in the midst of close friends and acquainted strangers. Why Cruz just read me my life random through this book discussion ironically about drastic changes that were cause by minor or random factors or changes… a tipping point. She was my tipping point. I promise i was in a haze. Ironically enough, I got a call from my original GAN at that very moment. The one Ive heard people be like this … "Who _____? That nigga is a hoe/immature/annoying/opportunist/*insert negative adjective here*." Yet i still defend him and still Remember the Time like Michael Jackson, when he wasn't that person. I don't know if "that person" was just FOR me, or made up just BY me… The one i know will never work but you hope that it does. Hope the fact we just can't seem to leave each other alone (cause i tried the dead all communication thing with him but as soon as i saw his face, and read that text that he wanted to talk, my heart melted) as fake friends will lead to a real love *MJB voice*. I don't know if that was a sign from the Lord (cause you know his sense of humor is sick) but I just sat there and shook my head. I was legit excited for his call because he hardly ever calls but when the rings stopped short and i got a text saying "sorry… butt dial" my heart dropped, and again so did my expectations of him...

"You can't keep putting your time in things you'll never be good at"

I thought about my career. All the things I wanted to do and try. All the things I've dabbled in. Im a Jill of all Trades yet a Master of None. I could be though. If I took the time and stopped bullshitting in other things. Be proud of my skills and talents. I love this blog. Its my baby. I started it over 2 years ago on a bored night that I was home alone again cause my ex-fiance was home sleep or starting a new family…50/50 chance on both. It went from being my random thoughts to being my random thoughts that people related to. It became my sanity. However, I never post the link on FB. Probably twice in this whole time span because I would feel weird if my family read it. Why? Not sure. Im 27… but I'm a weirdo. My other blog, Kitchen Beauticians, is my dream. To make woman beautiful on a budget, by their own hands. Make their beauty their own. Working with the non profit I am involved in is extremely important to me. But I let other priorities, as well as nonsense that distracts me, take away from there importance. Like, why am I still tweeting nonsense from my Ms_She twitter but tweeting my business from my side twitter that I hardly use and has no following. I need to grow up and use twitter for good and not cooning. Use my instagram to positivity instead of bird activities. I need to get it together.

"You can't keep putting your time in things you'll never be good at"

So, now that Ive had time to process this, I must thank the gods of mix for bringing Cruz, my tipping point, into my life. Ive put time into things and others, instead of myself, and if i keep it up, Ill never be good at my own life. 

Tad bit Obsessed...

So I haven't even gotten a chance to listen to Miguel's new album because I have had Elle Varner's "Perfectly Imperfect" on HEAVY repeat rotation. Shout out to @TiffThomp for putting me on she made me say that. Her album sings my life… And just cause the weathers cold, I have no car, and I'm in my emo bag…. here is another of my favorites off the album… I had to include the lyrics cause i NEED y'all to feel understand what she saying…

If you're looking for me I'm the stupid girl
With a joyless smile in her own sad world
Walking nowhere all alone without a sense of time
On a cold dark street on a cold dark night, sayin'

This will be the last time
Through with lettin' you keep me on the sideline
They say insanity is doing all the same things
And thinking that you're gonna get a different ending

'Cause I've been waiting in the storm for you
Freezing in the cold blowing wind
Can't tell my tears from the rain drops
I've been praying for a little bit of light
Listening for your love all night
With nothing but the sound of my wrist watch
Stop the clock, stop the clock
Never again, never again, never
Never again, never again, never

I can't wait to hear what your excuse is now
You're a professional two timing clown
I can only blame myself I let you bring me down
To a place in hell where I couldn't find a way out

'Til I saw the real you
Your smoking mirrors blinding me from the real truth
And though I'm never getting back the years I wasted
I got forever to never see you again

'Cause I've been waiting in the storm for you
Freezing in the cold blowing wind
Can't tell my tears from the rain drops
I've been praying for a little bit of light
Listening for your love all night
With nothing but the sound of my wrist watch
Going toc-tick-tock-tick-tock-tick-tock-tick-tick-tock
Stop the clock, stop the clock
Never again, never again, never
Never again, never again, never
Stop the clock, stop the clock
Never again, never again, never
Backing it up, gonna find better weather

'Cause I've been waiting in the storm for you
Freezing in the cold blowing wind
Can't tell my tears from the rain drops
I've been praying for a little bit of light
Listening for your love all night
With nothing but the sound of my wrist watch
Going tick-tock-tick-tock-tick-tock-tick-tock
Tick-tock-tick-tock-tick-tock-tick-tock

Random Fact- I have always wanted to name my daughter Elle, like the magazine… everyone i told proceeded to tell me the name was dumb, including my ex. My love for this CD has now re-ignited my desire to do just that…Ok. Carry on.

Nostalgic

I miss number exchanging. Awkward smiles. Butterflies in my tummy instead of acid reflux. First kisses. Believing that romantic comedy endings are not far fetched. Getting excited for Skype sessions. Dressing up for dates. The warmth of knowing someone you care about is in the same bed as you... Cause something about their body heat is just perfect. Naming y'all fake/future children. I miss the "in love" sex. The scariness of the first argument, then the joy of overcoming it.  Running my fingers through a beard.  Kissing a shoulder just cause. Rubbing your hands across their body cause i love the feel of skin. I miss the bass in their voice when they try and reassure you they aren't going anywhere because your insecurities got the best of you. Sending good night texts. Getting good morning calls.  Be able to say I love you to someone and KNOWING you'll get a response back. And that response won't come with stipulations and bullshit like a significant other they just cant leave, or not being in the same book, nevermind the same page. I miss giving surprises.. And the look on their face cause you got it just right. I miss consistency.  I miss someone getting me excited to learn live and love with them. And nervous to see if they want to do the same with me. I miss the feelings in this song. Maybe I will have them again one day.

But not tonight.

What means the world to you...

"I am no one in this world's priority"

These are the words I uttered to one my closest friends recently. Once I said them the tears flowed. I've known this for months. The realization hurt. But I internalize it. Kept it in cause why complain or sulk? It would not fix anything. But saying it... Speaking the words into existence... Made it to real for my weary heart to bear anymore. It's a horrible feeling. Knowing that friends, family, jawns don't put you up high on their priority list, whether it be purposely or not. It's like being in a room full of people and still feeling alone. I honestly believe that one of the reasons i stayed with the ex fiancé so long. Once I lost that feeling, I realized I had lost him. It honestly just sucks.

During the past week or so, I've brought up this topic subtly in conversations and got people's thoughts. Crazy part is alot of people feel the same way. Mainly in a romantic setting. They long to be someone's priority. I actually felt bad bringing up the topic cause the feelings were still strong in me so I felt guilty for adding company to my misery.

However, today.. As I sat and pondered over the argument I had with an ex GAN about my attitude towards him... How I felt guilty for making him feel that way and thought about apologizing and really trying to work on making whateva we were doing positive... Then how my homegirl confirmed he would of just ended up disappointing me (again) with all his side activities... I had to wonder what the real problem was here. It had to be me. And I was right....

Let's reevaluate my earlier statement.

"I am no one in this world's priority"

Not even my own.

That's where the real problem lies. I put everyone's feelings in front of mine. My consideration is at the bottom of people's list including my own. I am not here preaching the good bitter word saying "yea girl, once you know your worth so will he! You're your own queen and don't need a king to be royal! Look at queen Elizabeth!" *pops gums, rolls neck, and snaps fingers*

Yea.. No.

What I'm saying is the remedy to feeling like no ones priority is making YOURself YOUR priority... Yea, it's nice to know people care and think about you regularly. Just take you into consideration period. However, It will hurt alot less putting yourself before others who may not do the same for you (that's sounds semi bitter but I promise it's not.. It comes from an uplifting place). I want to avoid these feelings. Avoid anyone having this pain. At 20 something, we have enough issues... feeling like we aren't worth someone's worry shouldn't be one of them.

Go first. Sio second. Lets hope I get it together in time for 2013.

3 Steps Forward… 30 Steps Back

And just when i thought i pulled myself out my feelings….this happens

#EmoSioBack 

Put in Some Work

I got a call. It was the middle of the night. He told me he loved me.


I laughed.

But then I looked out the window and it was definitely a full moon. Made sense. Yall know when the moon full, so is your inbox… full of bullshit. Cause there could be no other reason that this man who I had stopped dealing with God knows how long ago was on my phone professing a love for me when he never even put in effort to act like he liked me. He wasn’t even drunk.

One of biggest problem with relationships, platonic or romantic, is that people think it’s a right. No. It’s a privilege. Other than family (which is still up for debate), you do not HAVE to be in someone’s life. I really do understand why people feel they have an obligation to someone…

I don’t want to abandon them.

I care about them despite *insert trifling shit here*…

They haven’t done anything disrespectful for me to cut them off.

This is not me passing judgment, because those exact statements have come from my mouth. Recently. I’m a work in progress. But as times passed and I get older… things are starting to be put more and more in perspective. I cherish the people in my life. Friends, family, old jawns, whoever, because I know it takes a second for them to be gone. I try and make the effort to show them I care, they're appreciated, I love them, miss them, whatever… because I would hate to lose them AND have to wonder if they ever knew. I know what it feels like to not feel like anyone’s priority, even if it’s all in my head. I don’t ask that people drop their life for me, cause that unrealistic. I do ask that people make an effort.

Why am I always the one reaching out to meet up?

Why am I always the one initiating a convo?

Why the only times I hear from you is cause you need something?

I have had conversations with people while sitting in the hospital, who til this day do not know that I was even sick, all because I consciously made the decision to tell them only if they asked if I was good or how my day was… I’m still waiting for them to ask.

This particular OJ (old jawn) has talked about missing me for months, but hasn’t offered a time to meet up. I ain’t doing it. If it’s my pride, so be it. I’d rather be proud than be worthless. Because having someone in your life that doesn’t find value in your time or presence considers you just that.

My horoscope said yesterday that the value of gold fluctuates; it goes up and down depending on the market. But if someone you truly care about gives you that piece of gold, the sentimental value of it exceeds whateva the market is trying to say (I paraphrased of course). Your time, your presence, your self shouldn’t be when they feel you can add value in their life and not show any type of effort back. And this isn’t about being bitter or hurt. This is about having self respect.

I’m still waiting for a follow up text/call/email/carrier pigeon to the I love you call btw*shrugs*

Check In

Ugh i been neglecting my baby. This was my first born and here I am instagraming, and blogging for the other site and not letting anon know what my personal life going through.

Nothing.

Lmao. Sounds crazy, but I haven't had a Jawn, a Gan, a Nigga to hold my hand in a while. I actually been working y ass off and trying to turns some projects in prosperity. Hard to find a nigga to fit  in there when you don't go no where to meet him. So hence why the blog has been neglected. I have come to terms with some things. I am about to be 28… It hurts every time i say it but i have to come to terms with it cause it motivates me. Makes me realize that i need to get this isn together. However, I realized this weekend, after being confined in the house, despite everything, I am happy. I had a horrible week. But it didn't affect me horribly. I saw the positive. Saw the steps forwards. Realize I could be worse. Did i drink a glass of wine and get stressed out a bit…? Of course. Most of y'all been reading thing blog long enough to know that if I said I wasn't I'd be fronting hard.

I got something for y'all this week tho. Promise…

Thanks for staying loyal. The trait is hard to come by now a days.

The real me...

Some one said to me, "I connect with you on your blog… i feel like i know you"

I hit them with o_O . Not because i thought they were a weirdo (i don't think your a weirdo, I was flattered) But because, i get real emo on here as a way of getting things out… Im really the weirdo. O might be crazy.. but whatever. Lol..

If you want the real me… see below.

I actually think that best most accurate description of me in a nutshell (pun intended)

Regrets...

So, I’m sitting at work, and this song comes on. Jesus. I put it on repeat.  Have you listened to the words?

“Does she want you with the pain that I do? Smell you in my dreams…”

No. This song hurts. To my core *Mimi voice* Granted, sometimes I question if I was in 8 years of devotion or delusion. But when the tears that I swore long vacated my eyes, make a visit; I know I was truly in love. But do I regret it? That’s the question I ask myself regularly.

Almost every female I know was made a fool of in love.

“I felt so dumb”

“What kind of fool am I?”

“You made a fool of me, tell me why”

“No time. No friendship. No love”

*exhales*

I honestly haven’t decided if I regret “the relationship”. I loved him. DEEP. We had happy moments. He treated check the tense me good. But, the thing with break ups is, your newly idle mind is a devil's play ground. I think the happy times were all in my head. Like it was an illusion. A well crafted set of rose colored glasses crazy glued to my face. My Facebook relationship status isn't the only thing that changed. I did.

 I don’t look men in the eye too long anymore because I’m scared ill see a future like I did the last time I stared into someones brown irises. I don’t sleep in men’s arms because ill have to scrub the touch of for months like I did last year. I push men away I the fear that my heart will pull behind them when the leave me… again. 

Funny enough, as i reached for my iPod to restart it, i looked at the info… The album was called "Bitter". 

Had it happened? My worst fear. Many moons and post ago, I said I refused to be bitter. But here I was… making excuses to avoid dates with men who showed genuine interest. Staying in my comfort zones of Old GANS because i knew what to expect (or not to). Hiding under my Egyptian cotton sheets cause the real world was too cold. 

Then I realized… No. I made a fool of me. I stayed. I accepted. I endured. He isn't innocent by far… but I surely was an accomplice. I got to stop being bitter, and being better. (funny enough an old joint said this to me a while ago and I got mad. Who knew he was right?) 

So, no. I don't regret the time spent. And although I can't say i won't hear this song again and my heart won't hurt, or that i am a completely changed woman… I CAN say the effort to move forward is now present… 

And I just have to hope the next time i start to smell #him in my dreams, the good Lord grants me a sinus infection.

Just a reminder

Stop worrying about everybody else.

Made My Night

So this was on my my oldest (as in oldest in length that we been friends… not her age … had to clarify or she'd kill me) friend tumblr check it out. It gets me through some days…

My side started hurting at around 1:29


Enjoy

Baby Steps

Mediocre- of only ordinary or moderate quality; neither good nor bad; barely adequate. . Synonyms: undistinguished, commonplace, pedestrian, everyday; run-of-the-mill


I distinctively remembering seeing this word for the first time, and hating it. Like, legit hating it. I screwed my face up at it. Who would want to be this? The word itself just sounds yucky, and the definition makes it no better. I had to be like 8 or 9

At 27, my disgust for the word and everything it stands for has only increased. Mediocrity is the thing I probably can’t stand the most in the world. …

Actually, I take that back… People content with being mediocre is what I can’t stand most in this world. Kind of like the Guns don’t kill people, People kill people philosophy. I have tried for years to understand how people can sit back and be content where they are to the point where this is the end all be all. Who want nothing more for themselves but what they have. Who don’t push themselves to see how good they can get. Who are fine being average…

I know people who have gifts carved from the hands of Our Savior himself… and they treat then like moldy bread. It hurts my heart. It also makes me realize these people aren’t the ones that are supposed to be in my life. I dont think there is anything that special about me, but i make myself special. I make my self unique. I make my worth.

I’m not saying everyone around me needs to be CEO’s or celebrities… I could actually never say that because we wouldn’t be friends… I’m a bum. They’d drop me like a bad habit. But everyone around me has dreams, goals, drive… I love them for their ambition *wale voice*. How can support someone who has nothing to support? How can I expect support back if they don’t understand the need for it? Support is probably one of the biggest things to me in all my relationships. Platonic, Romantic… any other –ic kinds. That and effort.

Not everything goes as planned. We have all learned that the hard way. But, never losing site of a goal, always pushing forward, and realizing that there is more to life than being ordinary… That’s what I appreciate.

I say on here all the time…”Baby steps”. I say this cause even baby steps move you forward. That’s all that matters.

So even when you feel like your broke and you have nothing to show for you 20+ years on this earth, don’t use mediocrity as a supplement for the hope your losing. That’s just giving up the battle without a fight.

“Only the mediocre are always at their best.”

And to the people i allow in my life, know your anything but mediocre.

Disclaimer

I watched love first hand in front of me on July26th. On a beach with the sun as a back drop, that I like to think was God spot lighting what true happiness was. I saw my best friend, my sister, my rider, my heart, my inspiration… I saw her marry a man who saw exactly what her friends saw in her, and treated her the way she deserved to be treated. He saw her worth.


My post from a few weeks ago entitled Soap Box, was only solidified by this union. I re-evaluated my life. I listened to the disclaimers the men who I have in my life attached to the “I care about you…”… Like… “I care about you… but we just met at the wrong time” or “I care about you… but you just got way too much going on for me” or “I care about you… but I just don’t want to get married so why even get into a relationship”.

I then proceeded to hit them with…

I understand. Timing. Availability. Commitment issues… blah blah blah! Dream had one of my favorite lines in one of his songs…. And if I was a full fledged bird instead of a half of one, id get it tatted across my stomach…

Stop Fucking with me if you Not Fucking With Me…

Take your issues and bounce. Before I understood these issues and took them in stride because I genuinely cared about these people and didn’t want to lose them in my life. One of the best lessons I learned this year was that just because you understand, does not mean you have to accept.

An open mind does not have to equal an open heart.

Everyone’s circumstance is different. Including mine. I don’t have to accommodate it for everyone who comes around that I like. Just like they don’t (or wont) accommodate for me.

I think the main issue is I don’t like many, so when I feel that connection to someone, looking past their physical, I don’t want to lose it. I try to compromise…. But then I have to remember…

Compromise- an agreement reached by adjustment of conflicting or opposing claims, principles, etc., by reciprocal modification of demands.

There goes that word again yall… RECIPROCITY. If they not even making the effort to try and meet me part of the way… I need to bust that u-turn.


The next main issue is, I create Frankenstein with the men in my life. I highlight the best parts of each one in my head and ignore the bad parts, and get what I want/need from each one… creating this perfect “man blend” in my head. How many times have yall said ...”If I could just combine ______ and ______, they’d be perfect!”? How many times? If I had a dollar forever time I said that, id be blogging from my own private island off the coast of Abu Dhabi. It worked for a time period… until I realized, this would work because the only parts of themselves they was trying to give was all the same… My perfect Frankenstein was being forced to become Penistein… and I can NOT walk down the street with that… imaginary or not.

So see the moral of the story is a woman needs love (if yall to young to know where that reference came from, I don’t even know how you relate to these posts lol), that just because we want to settle down doesn’t mean we have to settle. Love isn’t something that we can force or mold to fit us. Frankenstein doesn’t exist, and if he does I’m still not trying to date/marry him. I want the best for yall… Ditch the disclaimers...

Cause in the end...

Its all worth it.

Team work makes the dream work

Random congo with my sister on work communicator from December that I kept cause it really meant a lot ... (Names have been changed and omitted to protect their privacy and not get my ass in trouble)

11:28 AMSio

is it really

?

I am not really a prize right now

lol

11:29 AMMouckey

in my eyes it is.  i really am coming to realize that even tho you cant necessarily see yourself as you are, those closest to you can.

in all honesty, you are gorgeous, inside and out. You have sooo much going for you and are constantly reaching for more. You're extremely driven and motivated and most time seeing you makes me want more and reach for more.

11:32 AMSio

now you got my crying at my desk...

smh

11:32 AMMouckey

here you go.....

you dont need anyone that is willing to settle for anything in life and that is what I got from (insert old jawn name)

You want more than that for yourself and I know you deserve it.

11:33 AMSio

ugh.

im not worried about (insert old jawn name here)

honestly

I'm  over him now

but in general i need work

lol

but thank you

its nice to know when i dont have faith in myself y'all do

11:34 AMMouckey

all the time

It takes a village to raise a child… even when that child is 27.

Immortal

On July 9th, one of my oldest and dearest friend's brother passed away. I looked on her blog and it said


"Rest in Peace to one of my biggest inspirations. Your crazy self will never be forgotten."


I have no choice but to recognize the biggest inspiration to one of my biggest inspirations. 


I seen some stuff in my life y'all. Like seen some shit. It doesn't seem like it from my disposition and lack of talking about it, but a smile gets less questions than a frown. However, nothing has chilled me to the core as when my sister told me her brother had passed away. Watching the strength of a family that didn't share my DNA but has been etched in my heart since 1990, brought uncontrollable goosebumps on a summer night.


Though I haven't seen him in a while, when they played his song at the funeral, i immediately recognized the raspy voice. What was unfamiliar was the talent that came from the speakers. Ugonna was a singer, songwriter, photographer. He was a MAN with amazing talent. Our circle of friends are still in disbelief that he is gone...


However, he isn't. He is immortal. Through his music and work. He recorded a song hours before he passed. They titled it Ugonna's song. I have listen it to it about 12 times, each time crying because I hurt for my friend and her family, and that the world lost such a beautiful soul in a sea of ugly. He has inspired me to make a mark in this world, so that when I go, i make sure i leave an impression to ensure Im never really gone. 


So yea, he still here… and clearly still inspiring. 


Please visit the site, and help Ugonna stay immortal. 

Beauty Is in the Eye of the Beholder

I’m 5’9, I’m tatted, I snort when I laugh, I’m chubby, my feet big, and so is my head… I’m not perfect and I know this. I also know I am not Beyonce. I’m not everyone’s first choice when they see a room full of joints, but I’m cute, and I got all my edges so that says something.


One of my biggest issues coming up was I felt like I wasn’t pretty. Let me rephrase that. I wasn’t attractive. I have a cute face and appealing parts *looks down at the twins*, but I never felt holistically attractive. Like I didn’t walk in a room and men would be like “damn, who’s that?”. Most All of my jawns have been friends of friends, then we got cool… and then we got “cool”. My personality is probably what got me 99.9% of my jawns (I say it like I’ve had a lot but we all know that’s not true… let me cook though lol). I never was someone that a guy just picked up off the street and we went on a date.

However, let me state this… I have 6 types of men that ALWAYS try and talk to me… It never fails…

 Fat Men

 Short Men

 African Men

 Dominican Men

 Ugly Men (though I was told this the default for every female)

 Lesbians



If I want any of the above, I got them for the most part. They never fail to eye me or smile at me... I dont know why but I difgress. Don’t get me wrong… There might be one or two of those categories I like too (Ill let your mind wander on that)… but for the most part… I am not with nothing. I’ve said it before, my ex got me cause he was the first man that made me feel beautiful/sexy at the same damn time *future voice* he wasn’t always scum. I was afraid to leave because I really didn’t think I would find anyone else, especially someone I was attracted too. Then, my first old jawn walks in… meeting pretty much all my “fantasy” requirements (basically, all the stuff that REALLY turned me on about a man, but I never thought I was attractive enough to get). Me and him don’t speak anymore or for right now, life funny that way, but I do have to give him credit. He gave me my confidence back unknowingly. He made me realize that, 1- I don’t have to be physically attractive to be attractive, it’s a complete package and 2- Self-esteem and being comfortable with yourself is one of the most attractive things on a female. Even the baddest joint look like Rosanne Arnold when they don’t know their bad.

It’s not easy though, when you have men tweeting/facebooking/blogging/ drooling about preferences that look NOTHING like you. Its cause a little cringe in your soul when you in the kitchen cooking for a man then check twitter and see him making the heart eye’d emoji to a Brazilian joint with a big butt and long hair and you out here with “Nassatal” and a bob. Society doesn’t make it easier. You see joints out here looking like Barbie dolls on TV and you looking like a stick figure (not me… I already said in this post I’m chubby, but I got to rep for my skinny friends).

How am I supposed to feel when Rick Ross… RICK “MY TITTIES BIGGER THAN YOURS” ROSS… out here rapping about a chick who look like a bag of money, when I’m walking around looking like a sock full of quarters?

Answer: I’m supposed to feel beautiful.

Ladies, please do not let a man’s preference affect your self esteem.

Not everyone is going to think you’re gorgeous, but that fine. You’re still pretty. Beauty is really in the eye of the beholder. And just cause sexy ass Tyrone from down the block doesn’t think you’re gorgeous, doesn’t mean fine Hakeem from around the corner doesn’t. However, you so hung up on the one “rejection” (I use that cause I couldn’t find a better word), you can’t even notice.

Don’t miss looking at your next man cause your hanging your head from the one you never even had.

Now, I look back at my roster, and y’all can’t tell me nothing. I have pulled some great men just not great for me apparently. I don’t feel a way when I see someone who is very attractive and they don’t give me a second look. What is meant to be will be. Forcing chemistry causes explosions, and I’m just healing for the last burns…So I chalk it up as a loss.

Perception is everything. Don’t make someone else’ perception of you change your perception of yourself.

"You done got with us niggas--now you talking about, "You fucked up my self-esteem." Bitch, it's called SELF esteem. It's esteem of your mother-fuckin' SELF, Bitch!" –Katt William