I got comfortable, and then I got a reality check.
Things have been going so good in my life. Like really good. Personally I wake up and thank the Lord for the life He has provided me with. A few people have told me that they could see the change… and I was ecstatic. I worked so hard. I deserved this. So, for my mental sanity… I slowed my life down a bit. I got a little comfy.
Disclaimer- I been a Wayne fan since 2004. He talks about of shit, but when you really, he spit some life lessons. Best one yet, “Don’t ever get too comfortable”
I was in a staff meeting. I thought I was doing well. I didn’t want to be the pushy new know it all employees. I asked a question, and it started a conversation. I thought it went well over all. Then, in a one on one with my supervisor, she said one of our upper management said during the meeting I was demur, and “didn’t exude confidence”. Wait… what? I was present and engaged. She said I was slumped over, like I was not happy to be there. In my head I said “Bitch, I got scoliosis”. However, I just replied, “Well that is definitely not the image I want to portray, I will make sure to work on that.”
In my head I’m like the manager is this mousey little heffa who really doesn’t know me. Let me get it together when she is around. I mean… I am not going to lie, I’m not the most confident but I KNOW she can’t see that… Tuh.
Backtrack to my post a few weeks ago, about the Dove video and people perception of themselves versus others. One of the most unconsciously motivating people in my life, Dunni Dollaz, sent it to me then yelled at me about the way I have been talking myself down. And when she tells you about yourself… she goes for the jugular. I had no choice but to listen. I promised myself I would do better; stop speaking the “bottomness” into existence even if I was joking. Words hold power because they are written and spoken with energy… and when that energy is in the universe, there is no take backs…
Now its story time- My old joint randomly texts me about K. Michelle and Love and Hop Hop. We always used to watch it “together” and text each other back and forth or be on the phone while it was on. We haven’t spoken in months really except a text here and there so I was shocked about this random full fledged text convo. But I guess ratchetness can bring people together. Anywhoot, the covno kind of drifts on us
He. Went. Off... Yes, like… Spazzed. Said I was too busy calling myself bottom to hear him. That he hated when I said that… used to beg our mutual friend to speak to me about it. I was like o_O. Why all the Africans in my life going off? Lol... I asked him why he never mentioned it… he said he did… I just refused to listen. Now he isn’t a confrontational person, so the fact he went off like that was a slap in the face. Not that he disrespected me, but I have been disrespecting myself.
So, whats the point of this post? Did I just type this to waste time in this meeting I’m in, or give you something other than the YBF or media take out to read? Nope. Well, yea… but there is more. LOL.
I’m doing a challenge and I encourage all to create your own; I have already started to work on doing things to build my confidence. Taking some public speaking courses (those can never hurt), as well as finally embracing my Rican and taking Spanish language course (que bonita bandera…).
This last challenge I thought of today is the hard one tho. I hate taking pictures… most pictures I have my friends force me to take. I never have a photo shoot on my own. Usually, I don’t think I’m even looking photo prepared. Not that I think I’m ugly, just not so beautiful that I need to take a pictures all the time. Well, that’s going to change.Im forcing myself to face… myself. I am going to take a picture of myself every day. Whether I am made up or not. I’m not sure where or with whom I am going to share it with but I will show someone to hold myself accountable. This will be my way of evaluating if I like the way I look and if I didn’t, why didn’t I put in the effort to change it. It’s easy complaining and calling yourself bottom, but what are you doing about it? If nothing, you haven’t earned the right to complain. I own over 50 lip colors, right now I have on blistex. I have no excuse except that I have no motivation… well, this challenge is it.
I really want everyone to be great. Look at what you don’t like and change it. Complaining shouldn’t be your first resolution, because it solves nothing. This isn’t about people perception of you; this is about the perception of yourself. Your energy. Yes, it’s nice for other to see it too, but no amount of make-up, or designer clothes, or good posture can hide when you feel ugly inside.
It was nice while it lasted… *watches step as I exit out the comfort zone*