Monday, November 21, 2011

Caution...

Read at your own discretion the post below... I was on my Drake shit and started feeling a bit emo...

At least I warned y'all.

What about your Friends?

I did a post on friends when I first started this blog. I need to address this today...



Today, I watched a friend cry for me. Legit tears streaming down her face. I actually had to tell her to stop. Me... the water work master.. had to tell her... the sahara desert of tears... to stop. She has no idea how much I love her. All my friends have no idea how much I love them. They have been there for me more than I could ever expect. My guiders, my strength, my courage, my confidants, my parents, my stand in boyfriends, my rocks... They are angels placed on the earth that I thank God for giving me the opportunity to be in their presence. I pray for them every night, and every morning. Hoping all the blessings they have coming to them are received tenfold because they deserve it beyond measure.

But as I sat there and comforted a friend crying for my pain, I realized that we are never alone our struggles. I do anything for this hoe. Giver her my last dollar if she was crying and all she wanted was some twirlers. I tell my friends, don't come into this relationship lightly cause I love hard. I have friends that live in Delaware and I haven't spoken to or seen in weeks, maybe months.... and if she called me right now... for anything.... id be in Delaware in 2.5 hours... hair wrapped, sweat pants on, box cutters out, and the lights of my car cut off... (love you Betu). At that point, I started wishing my relationship did work, not for my happiness, but just to get her to stop crying. Lol. I just wanted to make her happy, as she sat there and cried because she wanted me to have never had to go through that I did.

Friendships won't always be perfect. They won't always be all shits and giggles. There will be time when you fight, amongst yourself and/or against others. There will be times with tears. There will be times with laughs. There will be times with screams. There will be times you have to tell them to have a seat. There will be times she will tell you that your a fucking fool. There will be times where y'all talk about love found. There will be times spent talking about love lost. However, there will be TIME... and i couldn't of asked for a better group of people to experience this life with.

My friends are the family I chose. And I shed blood for my blood b. Love y'all

PS- I chose this song cause I KNEW she would love it cause of Whitney. Lol

Love

This year had been all about love for me. Love lost. Love almost had. Love found.

Love Lost-

I miss you, but then I don't. I miss what I thought was. I miss what these rose colored glasses only allowed me to see. "I miss the love right after the fights, you can't tell me you don't remember those nights" *Weezy voice*. I miss the future we planned. I miss the baby we never had. I miss the wedding you made me plan knowing that i would be planning a divorce soon after if we really did it. I miss telling you every 21st "happy anniversary" happy 21st y'all. I miss you. But I didn't know you. Whose fault was that? Im still honestly not sure. I take some of the blame because i chose to ignore things that I shouldn't of. I don't doubt you loved me at one point, I just don't know what changed it... you or me. I miss the memory.

Love almost had-

I actually laugh when I think about you. I fought you. I fought my feelings of like and lust. It was a useless attempt. I fell in like with you despite my better judgement. I started to let you into my heart. Luckily, the deepest you got into me was physical. However, you legitimately disappoint me. I look at you and see someone I would of pushed my fears aside and did it all for again. You are something special. I wish you would see it yourself. You could of been so much more. We could of been so much more. Now people talk to me about you and tell me I could do better than you. I never expected that from you. The person you showed me and the person you actually are, they are two different people, and I didn't sign up for a Ménage à trios. I am honestly over what was because the person you are, I want no parts of. But, if the person I thought you were ever comes back, have him Skype me.

Love Found-

You have no idea how happy I am to love you. I fought this for so long. I was too busy giving all my love away to others to realize how much you mean to me. I don't even know how you waited so long for me to come around. I ignored you, neglected you, pushed you off on others, and didn't realize your value. I didn't take into consideration your needs and for that Im sorry. But now that we have gotten pass that, Im glad we can grow together. I have no doubt that others will try and come and separate us again, but just know, now that i realize how much you mean to me, no one can ever take what we have. Im not always gonna love you 100% everyday, but know that I will always realize your worth Sioban. Always.

Letter to my Next..

Dear Next,

Let me tell, before I even start this, the fact that you are even in my life says a lot about you. You are patient, you're kind, you are loving, smart, funny, genuine person who means a lot to me and I KNOW the sex is amazing. I am going to let you know this now, this isn't going to be easy. I been through more than you comprehend. Shit, I been through more than I can comprehend. I been built up and broken down. And I haven't been built back up again. I have no hope for marriage. Its a scary ass concept. I don't think I can love anyone more than I loved my ex. I don't think I have the capacity to give my heart wholly to someone who possible will throw it in the trash like last weeks forgotten left overs. I don't think I can look in your eyes and see my future because Id be scared I actually see it again. Id be scared to go through what i went through. Id be scared. I AM scared

But i will tell you this as well. I am going to try like shit. I am going to be here for you. I am going to give you what I have as I get it back myself. If you are actually my next, it means I trust you, I see your greatness, and most likely, my love for you has already started to form. I can't promise that I am going to fall head over heels immediately, but like I said, your patient, so please bear with me. I will support your endeavors, I will support your dreams, I will support you. I promise to wear heels while I make your steak on occasions, and that when sports are on to watch it with you without asking questions, or read a book and mind my business. I promise to follow the rule of keeping your stomach full and your nuts empty. I promise to remember all your favorite things and remember to surprise them with you as much as possible...Ill do what I can.

I just ask you a few things.

1- Please don't lie. If your gonna do that, please just leave
2- Know that I care, i just have to take my time with this. Its a lot...
3- If you have any problems,please speak to me. I may not be as receptive as you like, but I am genuinely listening
4- Know that Im trying.

This was actually hard to write, and I am sure its hard to read. If you want to leave now, I honestly understand. I am probably low-key hoping you do cause I am too scared id actually fall in love. But if you stay, and we work through this... I promise it will be worth it.

With all the love Im trying to give to you unconditionally,

She

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Throwback



I love this song. It came on my iTunes. I haven't had a "crush" in a minute and I kind of miss it. Not the fact that I want to crush on someone and can't have them or want to be someones girl. Just the fact that no one evokes that feeling for me anymore... and hasn't for a while.

Old Habits Die Hard

Ok, so I know I should be used to being single by now, but somethings are so hard to let go of. I am enjoying the time with my self , my friends, and my family, but I really do miss doing couple type things....

And here lies the problem. I miss it so much, I run the risk of falling into a fake relationship with one of my friends. It happened already this year. Let me explain..

You texting your male friend all day, he send you good morning text, y'all go on fake dates, he fixes things for you, your family loves him. Its a comfort. Its feels so familiar. Its everything you miss about being in a relationship sans sex.

I really thought this was just me at first too. But then I spoke to a few homegirls who say they actually keep a few of those on deck. When they get lonely, they call him up. When they need something done, they call them up. When they want to cuddle, they call him up.When thy wanna have sex, they call someone else. Lol

Whats the problem your saying? Isn't it some harmless interaction between friends?

Nope, cause someone gonna get caught up. No one invests that much time, and gets intimate without intimacy without catching feelings. Its so much deeper than sex (no pun intended), Its your feelings. Its your heart...

But damn I miss that. I wish I didn't have to let it go. But i felt like I was taking advantage. Knowing he'd do anything for me made the lines of asking for something blurry. Is he doing this for me as a friend, or is he doing this for me as more.

Maybe I still got the rules blurry. Maybe Im too soft and I just don't like to see people led on, and I definitely don't want to be the one doing to someone. Especially if they are my friends.

But Lord knows I miss those movie nights.

Page from another book

So, if you have been reading this blog, you know I am friends with an amazing writer @T_Lloyd. She recently put up on her blog Virgin Fingertips, about a letter her and my other friend @TiffThomp wrote to their younger selves a while back. I never did this before, and i remember reading the post months or even years ago saying I'm going to do this but never did. I realize now as I was reminded of the letter, that up until this year, I was still my younger self. So here goes nothing...

Dear She,

First of, stop crying.I know your ass is confused as to why your getting a letter from yourself. Its not the devil, so wipe the tears out your eyes and read.

Im not going to sell you a dream, cause you know we don't like shit sugarcoated. This life isn't going to be a fairy tale. Your gonna have it rough. for a while. Your gonna love then lose, then love then lose.... and sometimes your just going to lose. Your not going to be a doctor, so put that science book away now. Your actually going to hate science. But everything you will experience in the years to come....Embrace it. Enjoy it. Please don't grow up to fast, because in the long run, it didn't do anything but delay your real growth process. Your young and stupid. And thats fine. I know you hate looking dumb and think that growing quick will help you avoid that. It won't. Your just going to be older and stupid.. which is a lot less becoming. I know you think your the odd ball out, the one who is the homegirl and never will find someone to like you, never mind love you, but it will happen. I can't tell you with who, just know not who you expect. I can't tell you not to love someone cause honestly those years were amazing, though they weren't as real as i thought. I can tell you follow your gut and head a little more cause your heart isn't the best judge of character... neither is your vagina. But I digress.

Your friends are amazing. And when I say friends, I don't mean people you have known for years, or think you know. Cause those people aren't staying. There will be people you meet and within a week, you know that they were placed in your life forever. I mean the friends you love so much that no one can tell you their NOT family. I mean the people you know were put in your presence from God himself. They are your guiders, your confidants, your protectors, your strength. Cherish them. No matter what, through fights, miscommunications, no communications, babies, deaths, jobs, boyfriends, husbands, they will always be there. ALWAYS. However, choose your friends wisely. There are plenty of snakes in the grass, and in the real world, they wear sneakers and stilettos.

Your going to be discouraged a lot with our family. They don't hate you, they want better for you. They just want you to want to want it for yourself. They see your potential, but they also see you throwing it away. They aren't saying this to be mean, they are saying this cause its true Listen to them, even when you don't want to. Especially Grandma. She isn't crazy or doesn't understand. Its that she understands too much. Trust me.

I actually don't want to give too much away because i want you to learn. The epiphanies you have change you life regularly. So I am gonna leave you with these few things. Dont stop writing, its pointless. Its your release. Dont give up, its pointless cause life still goes on and you just going to have to catch up. Dont stop loving, the heart is the strongest muscle in the body, but you'll be convinced at times its weaker than your upper body strength. Its not. Enjoy each day. Please stop being so scared. Missing life is way more scarier than failure. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and if you don't think your beautiful, no one else will. Dont stop dancing. Stop perming your hair..Read the Alchemist... IMMEDIATELY. Oh, and when you apply for college... check main campus on all housing forms. lol

I love you, and although you don't love me right now, you will. I just hope you do sooner than i did.

Love Always,
She

PS- Use that next check from MMCC and buy some stock in Apple. Trust me... those two pairs of AirMax can wait. Seriously

They always come back

I was told way back in the day...

"Dont sweat these niggas mama, keep it cool and remember nothing last forever. You a good person. Plus, most niggas always come back"

I was looking at her like o_O

Why the hell would these men come back. She single too. Must be the weed talking. lol

Now at 26, over a decade later. i realized she was right. Niggas. Never. Leave...

Y'all know why Marvins room was such a popular song despite Drakes whiny singing and elementary ass rap flow on it? Cause men relate. They act hard and like they don't care, but they can never let a girl go. Whether it cause they truly care, or its cause they want their ego stroked depends on the man, but they never go away. If its days, weeks, months, or years, they always find a way back to wiggle in.

Once upon a time, I have someone some moot magic. I really cared for this fool but we realized it wouldn't work. Would of still have given him the goods after we officially talked... YUP! Would of had my Vickies off quicker than he could of asked me what I'm doing tonight.. But lots of time passed and my moot don't throb for him like it used to. Actually, it doesn't at all. We were on the phone the other day and i kind of mentioned that to him. Not on some rude shit, just on a maturity level like, "Yea, that was the past. Glad we can be cool about it"

No more than 2 weeks later I am getting messages that look like he kicked Drake out of Marvins room and redecorated Marvin's whole apartment to suite his needs.

Please proceed to chill blood.

My theory on this- Most men think they and their manhood is the best thing since pornhub.com. Once they gave it to you, you're in love...forever, and you can't tell them nothing different. They complain the they don't know why this joint sweating them cause it was supposed to be "just sex" but they are smiling in the back of their head like "yea, got this bitch hooked" So when you seem over it, their confused. They don't understand how you can get over THEM. They be like "The audacity of this hoe to move on after i had sex with her, made her cook, spend some money on me, and i curved her numerous times... She must be fronting" So they say something slick... hoping you take the bait... Hoping your "front" drops and they get the ego boost they needed and can leave you alone again.

You can go all the way let sir. I know there are men who legitimately miss girls, and them coming back is cause of their hearts, not their egos, but they back regardless. No point of going crazy over a man you think you lost when they'll be back next week. lol

Moral of the story- Keep your heart 3 stacks...

How much do y'all hate me?

Ok, so i know. My last post was the 31st. My bad... Life got real and i was too busy trying to live it to write about it.

Let me tell you this tho. The past 2 weeks have been a whirlwind. I lived and almost died. I learned things new things about myself, and remembered old things. That seat I been saying I was gonna take since September.... Im glued to it now.

Ive spent the last 2 fridays, in my bed, by myself unfortunately, relaxing. It was amazing.

This just a disclaimer. Ill be letting y'all know what happens in these posts for the next fews days. I appreciate y'all for the text, calls, chats and threats.

And I appreciate y'all for still reading. lol

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Poor Pussy Management

So, i am not sure if y'all remember this link i put up a few months back.... its one of my favorite youtube regulars hotdamnirock... but lets revisit



"All you bitches been dumb over a dick at least ONCE in your life"

Disclaimer-I hate the word pussy, but I am overlooking that today for purposes of this post

SMH. I thought posting the video and y'all watching it would be enough. But no. Apparently i need to elaborate. So here goes nothing...

YALL HOES OUT HERE NOT UTILIZING YOUR RESOURCES!

You have to do better with your vaginas. Like seriously. That shit aint Skittles... you don't have to share. This is the portal to your body. and everyone slips up and has sex that wasn't the best of decisions. I am not here to judge. But when y'all out here passing your moot like a hackey sack bag, what do you expect? I hope not a man. Smh.

The Magnum gods know I love sex. I really do. I have convos with myself talking myself out of having sex because it wouldn't be right to give it up to anyone offering hot sex and cold wine. I appreciate someone sweating my hair out for the greater good. I enjoy the bruises after (cast not your judgement), and id be lying if i didn't say I haven't been coo coo for cocoa puffs over a cock (i hate the word cock too but the word play just seemed to flow. lol). BUT at the end of the day, my pussy managed like a stock portfolio. Anyone who ran up in this joint like a crash dummy has been an amazing man (except for my ex but thats a Maury show not a mistake)... and Im pretty sure all but one (verdict still out on him) cared about me, and didn't just do it for a nut. I am not perfect. Ive slipped... but even the best of financial gurus had some stock in BP...

Lets look at where it can go wrong shall we...

Example-I know a girl who loves "aint shit" niggas. She is in a relationship, but she cheats on her man regularly. Just cause she LOVES sex. Thats not cool to me but whatever. but then she has sex with horrible grades of men, and gets mad when they play her and call her a hoe.

Poor. Pussy. Management. First off, you already fucking up by cheating on a good man... but why you cheating down. At least build your roster with good men. Keep someone on your team with some substance so when you man drops you like JHud drop that weight, you at least have a backup plan

Example 2- Girl is all around good woman. Cooks, Cleans, 2 Masters, has her own place, but she fucks the same type of men. All the time. And they know each other. Does she care? I honestly don't know. But I am going to say no cause she still doing it. The men know what she doing, and do they care? No, cause they getting the pussy. Lawd

I wish I could just say she s a hoe, but no. Its deeper than that. She feels genuine connections with these niggas. She doesn't look at them like a dick down... she looks at them with possibilities to settle down. Thats what kills me. I don't care i you want to fuck the whole Jets team... just know its a fuck.. not a future. Its actually sad cause I've sad "she i never gonna get married" to 3 different men at 3 afferent times who know her and their responses were all the same "Never!"

Im not saying you got to be out here acting stank, and acting like your vagina is the Pink Panther Diamond and keeping it under wraps... but manage it better. Dont go treating it like you first car and letting everyone drive it in and disrespect it cause you know you gonna get a better one eventually. Nah, this the only pussy you got. Kegels can tighten it up, but kegels aint miracle water. it don't cure AIDS. Kegels also are not that amnesia stick from Men In Black... they don't erase peoples memories. You still gonna be there girl who had sex with all the Greek niggas on campus... You still gonna be the joint that sucked him off in the middle of a party... you still gonna be THAT girl...

I want the best for y'all. Treat y'all vaginas like y'all treat you money. Yea, you may spend a little too much on some shit you know you have no business of buying sometimes, but at the end of the day, sound wisely, and save when necessary...