Monday, October 28, 2013

ThrowBack



I promise ill be better tomorrow. But tonight...

Hi, I'm Misery. Welcome....

“You just a nigga with good lipstick and laid hair”

That’s a direct quote from all of my homeboys. Still not sure if it’s a compliment or not. But now… I’ve accepted it. Like I said I am emo… but for the good. The stuff that impacts me negatively, I don’t say often. Why burden people? That’s what this blog is here for.

But do things get overwhelming like this for men too? I can’t imagine they cry at the thought that the person they love won’t ever play in their hair anymore.

That to sleep, they need Xanax in the medicine cabinet to replace their love that’s no longer in their bed.

That people literally say they can see the weight of the world on their shoulders when all I want is his weight on me. Period.

That they feel delusional calling what we do making love cause their not sure if the love is mutual.

They don’t wake up to tear soaked body pillows.

They don’t miss train stops trying to hold back tears because “our” song came on but they couldn’t bring themselves to go to the next song.

That Jack Daniels is their permanent rebound love.

They never dreamed of someone’s touch and woke up to a pain in their heart so deep it felt like a heart attack.

The energy it takes to put on a convincing fake smile feels like it could power an apartment. The time spent hitting “load more message” and re-reading old conversations because new ones aren’t happening, probably could rebuild the Great Wall of China. Men don’t seem like they deal with that…

But then again… Look at Drake.

Note - Sorry if this post put you in your feelings. Misery loves company. 




Sunday, October 27, 2013

Don't call it a Comeback... Though it kind of is....

When I started Random Epiphanys in 2010, it was my escape. It was a way to get my feelings out. It then turned solely about relationships and when I was sad and needed to vent. I felt like a pussy. I realized earlier this year I didn’t want to do that. I was in such a good space and I wanted to share that with everyone. That’s when I also realized I had nothing to write.

Not that all my life is a Drake album, its just that I spoke about the good things. I’m not a quiet person. This blog isn’t what I hide behind to be my true self. I’m vocal and outspoken.

About the good.

About the positive.

I’m emotional, but good emotions. The bad ones… not so much. The thing I loved about my blog was it was my homegirl when my real life homegirls were busy. Or when I needed to makes sense of my own feelings and I could see it face to face.

So now I find myself upset…. And I find myself here. And I realize I ran back here like this was an old familiar joint.

Yea, this was random. Call it an epiphany.






Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Jades Are A Girl's Best Friend


I hate the word bitter. It’s what I never wanted to be. I still have hope for love and relationships, just not for my own. I think it’s me. The sex is always good, but the emotions.... not so much. 
I treat love like colds. When I feel it coming on, I do anything to prevent it.  Maybe I push men away, but sometimes I think I never let them get close enough in the first place. I don’t have the “one that got away” because they never really was here. I still don’t know whose fault is that. But I’m starting to think its mine. I don’t think I'm bitter though. 
Bitter is defined as characterized by intense antagonism or hostility. I been using the word jaded. It sounds prettier. Jaded is defined as dulled or satiated by overindulgence… or my favorite one “worn out wearied out, as by over work or overuse”. I think my love has been wearied. It needs a rest. 8 years of loving so hard you got so tired just kissing the person it felt like you had ran a marathon. Then putting fear aside to care about another who let the same fears you overcame, overcome your relationship… what else can you be but weary?
I stay up some nights thinking about the feeling of love, how I miss it. I wonder if what I miss was even a real reference since I never knew the person I loved. I could be clueless on all matters of the heart. Maybe that’s why it’s heavy now. It has so much in it that I refuse to let out. I may not be able to stop the outpour. Scared to see what’s been locked up in those 4 chambers for the past two and a half years. Every time I start to open the doors a bit, someone does something that slams it closed… and the pain feel like my finger was in the frame. Every time I start to let someone in, I want to tell them please don’t leave, but I’ve seen from other people, that’s what usually makes them go the quickest. I hate when #he  looks at me and I feel he can see my soul, not because I’m afraid of what he'll see… mainly because I don’t know myself and I want to know what’s in there. But then, maybe he sees nothing, just two big brown empty circles. 
Maybe that’s what scares me the most.

Pour it Up...


When you've been off and on with someone for years, and then you blink your eyes, and they are giving all of what you fought for to someone who hasn't struggled for it... theres a deeper level of hurt there. Its not that you cheated, or we didn't work.. “Its why wasn't I good enough?” You doubt your every move. 

“Was I not pretty enough, smart enough?”

“Did I not cook well enough?”

“Was my sex not pleasing enough?”

“Why when she walks in the room, you look at her like how I look at you?”

“Why was I good enough for your dick but she was worthy of your heart?”

This isn't bitter, but how can you be happy for someone when they didn't even consider your feelings? Inadequacy takes up too much room for joy to fit in. 

So now, you're in your room drinking honey jack, watching love jones, hoping for a miracle. Hoping he texts so you can go off. Every buzz you just know its him and you have the whole conversation planned out. You got points in your notes app and its. about. to. go. down.

But it isn't him. He isn't texting. Because he's happy. Home living his life, while your just reliving yours. Reliving the moments you WERE happy. Reliving the happy times because the bad ones aren't important now that you're alone. 

Im petty. Ill never deny it. I want to be happy for him but how can I when he made promise to me that he kept for her? He’s posting lines to songs under their pics on social media that he used to hum in my ear while we were in bed. Im supposed to forget that cause he did? My feelings supposed to change cause his facebook relationship status did?

Now you and your homegirls are saying things like “ I heard the ones with the best sex never get wifed..” and you reply “Makes sense why Im single” and share a good laugh, but each giggle aches at your heart... because your still searching for answers you'll never get. You can try. You can corner him and demand answers. You'll probably end up more hurt than before the conversation or naked. He’ll probably say something that makes you think he really cares about you and theres hope for y'all yet. Then he post an IG pic up and your back to square one.

Sounds familiar? Cause thats the story every time in some variation.

Theres no answer here. No epiphany. Sorry. I just turn up the TV, turn off the phone, and refill my drink.

Cheers. 

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Little Wayne- The Prophet...


I got comfortable, and then I got a reality check.

Things have been going so good in my life. Like really good. Personally I wake up and thank the Lord for the life He has provided me with. A few people have told me that they could see the change… and I was ecstatic. I worked so hard. I deserved this. So, for my mental sanity… I slowed my life down a bit. I got a little comfy.

Disclaimer- I been a Wayne fan since 2004. He talks about of shit, but when you really, he spit some life lessons. Best one yet, “Don’t ever get too comfortable”
 

I was in a staff meeting. I thought I was doing well. I didn’t want to be the pushy new know it all employees. I asked a question, and it started a conversation. I thought it went well over all. Then, in a one on one with my supervisor, she said one of our upper management said during the meeting I was demur, and “didn’t exude confidence”. Wait… what? I was present and engaged. She said I was slumped over, like I was not happy to be there. In my head I said “Bitch, I got scoliosis”. However, I just replied, “Well that is definitely not the image I want to portray, I will make sure to work on that.”

In my head I’m like the manager is this mousey little heffa who really doesn’t know me. Let me get it together when she is around. I mean… I am not going to lie, I’m not the most confident but I KNOW she can’t see that… Tuh.

Backtrack to my post a few weeks ago, about the Dove video and people perception of themselves versus others. One of the most unconsciously motivating people in my life, Dunni Dollaz, sent it to me then yelled at me about the way I have been talking myself down. And when she tells you about yourself… she goes for the jugular. I had no choice but to listen. I promised myself I would do better; stop speaking the “bottomness” into existence even if I was joking. Words hold power because they are written and spoken with energy… and when that energy is in the universe, there is no take backs…

Now its story time- My old joint randomly texts me about K. Michelle and Love and Hop Hop. We always used to watch it “together” and text each other back and forth or be on the phone while it was on. We haven’t spoken in months really except a text here and there so I was shocked about this random full fledged text convo. But I guess ratchetness can bring people together. Anywhoot, the covno kind of drifts on us as it always does and he compliment me. I was taken aback but someone a lot of someones told me I don’t know how to recieve compliments well… so I responded as positive as I could in an effort to be a better person. I said, “that was a surprise… but thank you. I never knew you thought that and I appreciate it”…
 
He. Went. Off... Yes, like… Spazzed. Said I was too busy calling myself bottom to hear him. That he hated when I said that… used to beg our mutual friend to speak to me about it. I was like o_O. Why all the Africans in my life going off? Lol... I asked him why he never mentioned it… he said he did… I just refused to listen. Now he isn’t a confrontational person, so the fact he went off like that was a slap in the face. Not that he disrespected me, but I have been disrespecting myself.

So, whats the point of this post? Did I just type this to waste time in this meeting I’m in, or give you something other than the YBF or media take out to read? Nope. Well, yea… but there is more. LOL.

I’m doing a challenge and I encourage all to create your own; I have already started to work on doing things to build my confidence. Taking some public speaking courses (those can never hurt), as well as finally embracing my Rican and taking Spanish language course (que bonita bandera…).

This last challenge I thought of today is the hard one tho. I hate taking pictures… most pictures I have my friends force me to take. I never have a photo shoot on my own. Usually, I don’t think I’m even looking photo prepared. Not that I think I’m ugly, just not so beautiful that I need to take a pictures all the time. Well, that’s going to change.Im forcing myself to face… myself.  I am going to take a picture of myself every day. Whether I am made up or not. I’m not sure where or with whom I am going to share it with but I will show someone to hold myself accountable. This will be my way of evaluating if I like the way I look and if I didn’t, why didn’t I put in the effort to change it. It’s easy complaining and calling yourself bottom, but what are you doing about it? If nothing, you haven’t earned the right to complain. I own over 50 lip colors, right now I have on blistex. I have no excuse except that I have no motivation… well, this challenge is it.

I really want everyone to be great. Look at what you don’t like and change it. Complaining shouldn’t be your first resolution, because it solves nothing. This isn’t about people perception of you; this is about the perception of yourself. Your energy. Yes, it’s nice for other to see it too, but no amount of make-up, or designer clothes, or good posture can hide when you feel ugly inside.

It was nice while it lasted… *watches step as I exit out the comfort zone*

 

 

We Fall Down, But

Not my words... But definitely my thoughts. 

Friday, May 17, 2013

Turn The Radio Off.


So, something you may not know about me…. I was a Girl Scout. What, you couldn’t tell? I am efficient as hell. I mean, I only got like two badges and my family was the only ones who bought the cookies, but I definitely learned some stuff! ANYWHOOT, not the point… one of the Girl Scout songs we used to sing were “Make new friends, but keep the old. Some are silver but the others are gold.”

Clearly Drake wasn’t a Girl Scout. I love me some Drake but this “No New Friends” song is going to have people messed up and confused. Especially people who aren’t looking at the bigger picture.

Let me break it down:

Drake is a millionaire. We buy his albums, we texts our old joints to Girls Love BeyoncĂ©, we’ve done the Drake shakey hand to at least one song. We KNOW Drake has money. Of course he doesn’t need any new friends, they probably trying to get him to pay off his school loan. But, you think he grew up with Lil Wayne and Nicki Minaj? There will never be a #ThrowbackThursday and you see him put up a 3rd grade class picture with the board of your teachers name that someone holds in the middle, and little Dwayne Carter Jr. And Onika Maraj gonna be in overalls smiling next to a toothless Aubrey. No, he met them after he got put on. They had similar interests, they grinded together, and probably opened up to one another… and guess what?

They. Became. Friends.

I have friends that I have had since kindergarten. Quite a few actually. 22+ years of CLOSE friendship, not I been known her since 87 but we haven’t spoken since 97 type thing. I love them to death (most likely yours if you mess with them). But, as we got older, and developed into the adults we were supposed to become, we went down different paths. Friends that are married, friends that have never heard a Future song, friends that don’t watch Love and Hip Hop, friends that don’t drink.  Friends that hate interacting with people or who never have step foot in a Mac store. We have a lot NOT in common. So, as you immerse yourself in the things you love, you interact with people with similar interest, connect, and then… you stop calling because Drake said to stay loyal to your old friends and you stay home and watch reruns of Martin alone eating ice cream? NO! You cultivate, you bond, and you build.

Then you have the friends from kindergarten who no matter how much you try, you weren’t meant to grow old together. You try to love them but you spirits don’t mesh. And I’m all about a spirit girl. Some people you are just drawn to. Conversations flow, you sync. Something just clicks and every conversation just uplifts you, even if you have a conflict. And some people, it’s a chore to talk to. You never feel better talking to them… your spirit just doesn’t take to them anymore. There is always drama, an issue, or negativity. It’s draining.  But, you’d be trifling if you just cut your friend off, right? If you distance yourself for you mental wellbeing because she fought that girl for you in 15 years ago, that’s not being loyal to your “friend”, right?

Someone said on twitter “No new friends, but what if you outgrow the old?” Man Listen...

I think that people take loyalty in the wrong context. This is mainly because of balance. They do not know how to balance friends efficiently. It comes to a point that people wonder if you’ve had any friends before this new set. They get so excited with the new people they meet; they neglect the ones that have been holding them down for years.  Kind of like a new album. You’ve had The 20/20 Experience on rotate… Whens the last time you listened to Future Sex/Love Sounds? I might as well change this blog to Balance Epiphanys because I think that is literally the core of all happiness. Once you learn to create and maintain a balance in your life, you’ve reached Nirvana. I would hate for someone to stay my friend because they felt they had to stay loyal but I burden them. I’d rather they move on grow and be the best they can. There is a thin line between loyalty and stupidity, and resentment is real.  I’d rather we part on civil terms that I can still support and love you from afar, than a dramatic scenes that causes animosity  that resulted from anger building up from trying to stay loyal.

And let me not be fake, I’m guilty of the imbalance. I’ve neglected old friends for new. At one point I avoided old friends because I didn’t want to be reminded of my old life. I wanted to become a new person and live a new and better life. During this time, I’ve met some amazing people. I’ve met one of my closes t friends in the last year and a half. She’s help me grow into a different person, a better person, who is more sure and confident.  I’ve met people who inspire me and motivate me, by their actions and presence, and I have to admit I’m blessed. But not everyone can be my little care bear.

 This is what I had to learn, not everyone that’s new is better. “Some are silver but the others are gold”. When I realized running from my past, instead of learning from it, was not the answer, I stood still. I had a seat, and let my heart and mind sync back. I saw how fake some of the people i had befriended really were. People who feigned support, not because they were concerned, because they were curios. I met people who have no intention of moving forward. I meet sociopaths. I met reality.  I tell people all the time, even with baby steps, you’re still moving forward. I should add,” If you’re going in circles, even if you’re running, you’re just going nowhere fast.” Not everyone has to be your “friend”. Some people can be contacts. Associates. Use each other to advance, professionally. Some people have roles in your life, and not all are permanent, and not all are supposed to be personal. It’s only fake when you don’t make that clear. When you pretend to be a friend for advancement. When you’re deceitful and dishonest for personal gain. When you’re not genuine. When you encounter those people… please feel free to turn that mother effin Drake all the way up!

 I semi ranted, but let me bring it all together. I don’t believe in the “I’m too old to make friends” or “No new friends”.  I believe the Lord has a plan and a path and because we don’t know who plays what part in our journey. I believe everything happens for a reason, even if that reason is wisdom. I won’t block my blessings because an unfamiliar face might be delivering them.  And I won’t assume you have my best interest at heart because you knew me when I was rocking LA Gears. I won’t turn people away because I don’t want to seem disloyal, but I won’t ignore the people who were there for me through thick and thin. The people I hold dear and consider my adopted family (new or old), weren’t there when the smoke cleared… they grabbed my hand helped pull me out the fire. And I got them… No matter what Drake says.

Scout's honor.  

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

If you liked it then you should have put a Pin on it...

Last week on twitter, I went on a mini rant about the new CrockPot I picked up and how I was about to go crazy because I saw so many great recipes on Pinterest that i want to try immediately. I then got a barrage of questions and comments in my mentions and inbox about it. "I have a Pinterest but how are you finding recipes on it." "I never really used Pinterest " or even "What is Pinterest?"

I want to say I'm shocked but I am not. There was an article that came out the other day saying that Pinterest was the least used social media by the African Americans. You can see that here. Basically, because of the lack of interaction (commenting, @'ing and messaging), black people have no interest in Pinterest. 

I thought this was so sad. Pinterest has been on of the best things to happen to me since Google! And y'all know I'm the Google Queen. But black people haven't gotten into it. So I decided to do a quick post on a Pinterest tutorial. So, even if you decide not to partake, you know the greatness that is Pinterest. 

First- What is Pinterest?

Pinterest is a social media forum (yes it's socially media because people join and share) that allows people to put a pin on things that interest them. Pin + Interest = Pinterest... get it ? 

What can you find on Pinterest? 

There are a plethora of categories you can look through if you are looking for ideas, you can also search for specific people, places, things, or topics. 




You have things you found interest you, now what? 

You also can create boards... So you can sort your pins by topics your most interested in. My boards include Health and Beauty, Random, Food, and Inspiration. You can also create group boards so if you have an event coming up ( like a wedding or party) you can share pins and bounce ideas off of each other. You also have the option of creating private boards that only you ( or anyone you grant access to) can see... So private things can be pinned too and no one would be the wiser!


Can I only pin things from Pinterest? 

Nope, if you see something on the Internet, many sites have the red "pin it" button that allows you to pin and share on the site.

So, wait... Why is this so dope again?

If your still wondering what's so dope about this site ( I really can't understand why you would be) let me give you an example... So I bought my CrockPot (yes I'm still talking about it). I typed in "slow cooker" in the search engine on Pinterest. THOUSANDS  of recipes came up. I was amazed. And because their pictures unlike google, you can look ad see what you interested in versus reading it ( I love visuals). I learned not only can I make these easy meals, but I can make hot drinks like egg nog latte, which I love... And bake bread. Yes there was a recipe to bake bread in a slow cooker. Who knew!?!?!?

Also, with pinning on the boards, you can see something and basically have a place to store it. How many times have you seen something online that was investing but got distracted and when you tried to look at it later, could not remember where you saw it or what it was entirely about?

One of the best things I think was when Oprah ( all hail the queen) started using Pinterest for vision boards. If you don't know what vision boards are... vision board is a tool used to help clarify, concentrate and maintain focus on a specific life goal. Literally, a vision board is any sort of board on which you display images that represent whatever you want to be, do or have in your life. I am a strong advocate for vision boards . Waking up every day last year and seeing what I wanted on some oak tag got me going every day until I reached my short term goals. Some people don't have the time to sit down and cut out pictures and magazine clippings... Plus this is 2013. This is much easier, and thorough. And I'm all for anything that's fun and can make you a better person.  

Hopefully this was helpful. Follow me on Pinterest or on Twitter @KingSio_ to see my pins or hit me with any questions! 

Happy Pinning!  

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Watch this video if you don't think you're beautiful

Watch this video if you don't think you're beautiful

This is what one of my most respected friends sends me after she chewed my ass open for calling myself the ugly friend on Instagram. She said someone sent it to her as we were speaking and she wanted to share.

PLEASE watch it. I shed a tear... But Im a thug so it could have been a high pollen count.

I dont think you understand how this hit me. Not just for me but because I have heard my friends describe themselves and I look at them like they crazy. Like, are you buying those shaky mirrors from the 99 cent store that makes your reflection look crazy?

If I had to describe myself right now, Id probably describe myself as a taller darker version of Quasi Moto. Lmao. I don't think I am ugly, its just I see my imperfections clearer than most. Just as ANY person does.

However, seeing this video was heart wrenching. So many women view themselves in such a negative light that their actual image of themselves is a permanent skew.

So that brings me back to my friend cursing me out. I love my friends. They do not sugar coat things and i appreciate that... Diabetes run in my family and aint nobody got time for that. I want it straight like a shot. That doesn't mean ill agree or just accept their opinions, but I don't want it any other way...

So, I joke around and put under twitter pics that I'm the bottom friend and I'm the ugly friend. These are jokes. I don't think I am ugly. However, I believe my friends are exceptionally gorgeous. Like illuminati gorgeous. And they are smart and hard working. They are just all around amazing. When we go out, guys and some girls flock to them. Im in the corner being regular, so I joke around and call myself the ugly friend. Key word: Joke

However, this post isn't to defend my actions, it to publicly acknowledge their poison. I am speaking it into existence. I know the power of words and having your mentality right. Speaking these words, writing it, make them real. Gives them life. Eventually, I will be just like, if not worse, than the woman on this video. I need to focus on the positive, and so should you. Focus on the the good. Look in the mirror and smile. Be comfortable in your skin and happy with yourself.

Am I going to be on IG or twitter posing and calling myself the baddest...? No. Cause i don't even want the jokes thats SURE to follow, and I am not delusional.

I will make the effort to think I am beautiful everyday... and believe it.

Have a blessed day y'all.

Re-Reading My Life.

When you re read your favorite book... You don't start from the middle... or just the good part. You start from the beginning. Thats what I did. Friday, June 11th, 2010 at 9:27pm... I posted my first on this blog. I was lost in my thoughts listening to the Miseducation of Lauryn Hill. Feeling alone in a room a of people, and the only thing there to keep me comfort was my wifi.

I re-read "So I guess I blog now" and all I could say was FUCK. To y'all, this might be a regular blog post. To me, i see the pain in every letter, the insecurity with every "...". So much has changed in almost 3 years. Especially the blog. It kind of went from Random Epiphanys to Relationship Epiphanys, and that was never the goal. But there was a point in my life where all i thought about was jawns, and how we went wrong. Broken Hearts and Broken Condoms. How the sheets were almost as messed up as how me and #him (pick one) treated each other. My tunnel vision was more thorough than the Lincoln.


But then, guess what... Yup, Had an epiphany. And 2013 happened... and God sent down some blessings. And when I say some... i mean an OVERWHELMING amount. Now my mind, my heart, and my eyes are open. And I want to bring my epiphanies back to being random.


This blog was/is not a career. But I've always had support. I appreciate that. I just want other people to know they not crazy alone.


FYI some things havent changed:
-First and foremost... I would rather be hated for honest than liked for being a liar-I HEART Nicki Minaj... -I am allergic to kiwis-I don't like scallops unless they grilled-Im scared of elevators- Not anymore!!!!! (well not really)-and Pigeons-and spiders-and vomit-and well... I won't get carried away... if I look like I'm going to run just dont bring it close--- 

Still very true...
-My friends are the family I choose... and I will shed blood for my blood- Always and forever.



Welcome Back, and if you've never read... Just Welcome.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Security Blanket


I had an epiphany… (funny,right? No? Ok…. )
This weekend I came to a realization. I looked around my new place, and realized how happy I was. I was so nervous when I was going to move. Thinking… Am I ready? Am I secure enough? I had a million scenarios of why I couldn’t move. The main one was the one I was avoiding... Familiarity.
I don’t mind change, but as an obsessed Capricorn, if I don’t know what’s going to happen with the change, then I am weary of it. I don’t like surprises bruh. But I still went out on the shakey limp and realized I was in love. This independence. This freedom. The new aspect in my life in which I was terrified about, was one of the best decisions I have ever made.
That wasn’t the epiphany though…
I am the queen of recycling old jawns. I’ve probably been on a total of 6 dates in 2 years and I don’t really count 3 of those… I just get caught up in remembering the feelings. The comfort… the familiarity… then I let them back in and I remember something else… the bullshit.
I can honestly say I am a different person than who I was when I dated ANY of my old jawns… so why would I think the happiness would still be there. Lowkey I probably know it wasn’t… but the temporary joy you get from familiarity… it’s like you favorite blanket…. It just brings you back to a comfortable space. 
But then I thought back to my apartment… how scared I was to come out my comfort zone, and how happy I am that I did. I guess I need to be willing to try that in my love life…As scary as it sounds…
The thought about being the girl that he “cares about deeply but know can’t marry” for the rest of my life is scarier though.
I’m not saying I may not slip up and need the warmth of that old blanket again… but for now I’m going to try and keep it tucked in the closet until my bed gets too cold (now that was DEFINITELY funny)

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Moving

Literally and physically.

My address and out look has changed. I packed my bags up. i threw away shit i had no need for. Things I've hoarded for years. Friends helped, they encouraged. Somethings I had to handle alone. All in all i am in a new space.

and I am in love with it.

The independence. the peace. the sanctity. 

Y'all probably reading this post like what the fuck she talking about? The hoe done had too much Maxwell pandora and wine. No I haven't. I have a new address. And so does my old way of thinking. I spent my birthday in my bed (alone) and i was happy. I am happy. Holistically. I brought in the new year BLINDED by blessings. I have no choice but to be happy. But its not just that. I did it despite adverse advice (not negative, adverse). I did it on faith. I busted my ass and realized, that i gave my self so little credit. its such a different feeling realizing your worth. you're capabilities. and then reaping what you sow…

fuck its amazing.

Then you see things for what they are. people for who they are. and you have to take a step back. reevaluate relationships. distance yourself from the unnecessary. Moving into a new mental space is like moving into a new apartment. Somethings can't go with you. 

Then you give yourself space for new things. better things. things that go more in line with the things you decided you keeping. 

Ive ran this analogy to the ground…. lol. If you do one thing this year, its move. Mentally. Realize some things about yourself. Dont let the actions of others drive you and you're progression. Let you and you're progression drive the actions of others. Make a vision board. Shit… make a vision if you don't have one. Cause once you realize what you really want in life… you're an UNSTOPPABLE force

“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” 
― Paulo CoelhoThe Alchemist
its 2:04am

My Maxwell Pandora is blasting. I finally gotten time after the past two months to sit back, relax…. and just breathe….

and i open up my laptop. open the internet. and on my top sites… i see my own sly grin looking at me…. i click on random epiphanys link… and just breathe.

I won't call it a come back. My my heart had never left this link. my mind had somethings to handle… but my heart patiently waiting here until we were ready to sync again.

I sat in bed trying to force tears because i almost convinced myself i was upset sitting alone on this saturday night… missing a #him I've never had… and then i realized. i just missed my heart.

So hello.