Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Jades Are A Girl's Best Friend

I hate the word bitter. It’s what I never wanted to be. I still have hope for love and relationships, just not for my own. I think it’s me. The sex is always good, but the emotions.... not so much. 
I treat love like colds. When I feel it coming on, I do anything to prevent it.  Maybe I push men away, but sometimes I think I never let them get close enough in the first place. I don’t have the “one that got away” because they never really was here. I still don’t know whose fault is that. But I’m starting to think its mine. I don’t think I'm bitter though. 
Bitter is defined as characterized by intense antagonism or hostility. I been using the word jaded. It sounds prettier. Jaded is defined as dulled or satiated by overindulgence… or my favorite one “worn out wearied out, as by over work or overuse”. I think my love has been wearied. It needs a rest. 8 years of loving so hard you got so tired just kissing the person it felt like you had ran a marathon. Then putting fear aside to care about another who let the same fears you overcame, overcome your relationship… what else can you be but weary?
I stay up some nights thinking about the feeling of love, how I miss it. I wonder if what I miss was even a real reference since I never knew the person I loved. I could be clueless on all matters of the heart. Maybe that’s why it’s heavy now. It has so much in it that I refuse to let out. I may not be able to stop the outpour. Scared to see what’s been locked up in those 4 chambers for the past two and a half years. Every time I start to open the doors a bit, someone does something that slams it closed… and the pain feel like my finger was in the frame. Every time I start to let someone in, I want to tell them please don’t leave, but I’ve seen from other people, that’s what usually makes them go the quickest. I hate when #he  looks at me and I feel he can see my soul, not because I’m afraid of what he'll see… mainly because I don’t know myself and I want to know what’s in there. But then, maybe he sees nothing, just two big brown empty circles. 
Maybe that’s what scares me the most.

Pour it Up...

When you've been off and on with someone for years, and then you blink your eyes, and they are giving all of what you fought for to someone who hasn't struggled for it... theres a deeper level of hurt there. Its not that you cheated, or we didn't work.. “Its why wasn't I good enough?” You doubt your every move. 

“Was I not pretty enough, smart enough?”

“Did I not cook well enough?”

“Was my sex not pleasing enough?”

“Why when she walks in the room, you look at her like how I look at you?”

“Why was I good enough for your dick but she was worthy of your heart?”

This isn't bitter, but how can you be happy for someone when they didn't even consider your feelings? Inadequacy takes up too much room for joy to fit in. 

So now, you're in your room drinking honey jack, watching love jones, hoping for a miracle. Hoping he texts so you can go off. Every buzz you just know its him and you have the whole conversation planned out. You got points in your notes app and its. about. to. go. down.

But it isn't him. He isn't texting. Because he's happy. Home living his life, while your just reliving yours. Reliving the moments you WERE happy. Reliving the happy times because the bad ones aren't important now that you're alone. 

Im petty. Ill never deny it. I want to be happy for him but how can I when he made promise to me that he kept for her? He’s posting lines to songs under their pics on social media that he used to hum in my ear while we were in bed. Im supposed to forget that cause he did? My feelings supposed to change cause his facebook relationship status did?

Now you and your homegirls are saying things like “ I heard the ones with the best sex never get wifed..” and you reply “Makes sense why Im single” and share a good laugh, but each giggle aches at your heart... because your still searching for answers you'll never get. You can try. You can corner him and demand answers. You'll probably end up more hurt than before the conversation or naked. He’ll probably say something that makes you think he really cares about you and theres hope for y'all yet. Then he post an IG pic up and your back to square one.

Sounds familiar? Cause thats the story every time in some variation.

Theres no answer here. No epiphany. Sorry. I just turn up the TV, turn off the phone, and refill my drink.