Wait.
I looked up from my phone with a face like I heard the voice go Jehovah himself.
Wait a fucking minute.
Let me set the scene y'all. We are at book club. Talking about "The Tipping point" (good book, y'all should read). And my homegirl Cruz is moderating this meeting. I kind of drifted into a random text convo, and then out of ashes… Here comes Cruz nonchalantly saying this statement that fucked my whole mental up…
"You can't keep putting your time in things you'll never be good at"
It must of hit home to others… cause before I could really take in everything that happened and speak, my homegirl stopped the whole meeting and was sounding like
"You can't keep putting your time in things you'll never be good at"
Jesucristo. Allah. Buddah. Yahweh. Krishna. Buddha. Jah. Lion Paw of Juddah. All of them.
Such a simple statement sent my head reeling. Just earlier I was looking at a pic from my birthday this year. A pic of me and my ex jawn/Gan. I looked at the silly face he makes when I say something smart and/or sarcastic and Im smiling. A legit smile. That was January. We hadn't even really started talking then, but we were happy to be around each other. Happy. Now a pregnancy cycle later 9 months later, we don't speak. I had to dead all communication with him because he had no boundaries and I had no limit to caring. The type of relationship we experienced… we would need a constraint. But looking at this picture this morning or all day, I said, has the Capricorn in me got ahead of herself again? Did I cut it off too fast based off of a fleeting emotion of the day. I know we probably would never get married. According to him I'm too untraditional, not submissive enough, and have too many male friends. He is too close minded, judgmental, inconsistent, and unreliable for me. But his heart and sex was amazing. People are so malicious now a days, so deceitful, just down right evil. He was this handsome man. Tall. Chocolate. Body was crafted by the African and basketball gods. Smart. Family values. Almost everything I wanted in a man, except he was missing the things I needed. But, those could be worked on no? Our relationship wasn't perfect but it was possible…
"You can't keep putting your time in things you'll never be good at"
I almost cried in the midst of close friends and acquainted strangers. Why Cruz just read me my life random through this book discussion ironically about drastic changes that were cause by minor or random factors or changes… a tipping point. She was my tipping point. I promise i was in a haze. Ironically enough, I got a call from my original GAN at that very moment. The one Ive heard people be like this … "Who _____? That nigga is a hoe/immature/annoying/opportunist/*insert negative adjective here*." Yet i still defend him and still Remember the Time like Michael Jackson, when he wasn't that person. I don't know if "that person" was just FOR me, or made up just BY me… The one i know will never work but you hope that it does. Hope the fact we just can't seem to leave each other alone (cause i tried the dead all communication thing with him but as soon as i saw his face, and read that text that he wanted to talk, my heart melted) as fake friends will lead to a real love *MJB voice*. I don't know if that was a sign from the Lord (cause you know his sense of humor is sick) but I just sat there and shook my head. I was legit excited for his call because he hardly ever calls but when the rings stopped short and i got a text saying "sorry… butt dial" my heart dropped, and again so did my expectations of him...
"You can't keep putting your time in things you'll never be good at"
I thought about my career. All the things I wanted to do and try. All the things I've dabbled in. Im a Jill of all Trades yet a Master of None. I could be though. If I took the time and stopped bullshitting in other things. Be proud of my skills and talents. I love this blog. Its my baby. I started it over 2 years ago on a bored night that I was home alone again cause my ex-fiance was home sleep or starting a new family…50/50 chance on both. It went from being my random thoughts to being my random thoughts that people related to. It became my sanity. However, I never post the link on FB. Probably twice in this whole time span because I would feel weird if my family read it. Why? Not sure. Im 27… but I'm a weirdo. My other blog, Kitchen Beauticians, is my dream. To make woman beautiful on a budget, by their own hands. Make their beauty their own. Working with the non profit I am involved in is extremely important to me. But I let other priorities, as well as nonsense that distracts me, take away from there importance. Like, why am I still tweeting nonsense from my Ms_She twitter but tweeting my business from my side twitter that I hardly use and has no following. I need to grow up and use twitter for good and not cooning. Use my instagram to positivity instead of bird activities. I need to get it together.
"You can't keep putting your time in things you'll never be good at"
So, now that Ive had time to process this, I must thank the gods of mix for bringing Cruz, my tipping point, into my life. Ive put time into things and others, instead of myself, and if i keep it up, Ill never be good at my own life.
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