Security Blanket

I had an epiphany… (funny,right? No? Ok…. )

This weekend I came to a realization. I looked around my new place, and realized how happy I was. I was so nervous when I was going to move. Thinking… Am I ready? Am I secure enough? I had a million scenarios of why I couldn’t move. The main one was the one I was avoiding... Familiarity.

I don’t mind change, but as an obsessed Capricorn, if I don’t know what’s going to happen with the change, then I am weary of it. I don’t like surprises bruh. But I still went out on the shakey limp and realized I was in love. This independence. This freedom. The new aspect in my life in which I was terrified about, was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

That wasn’t the epiphany though…

I am the queen of recycling old jawns. I’ve probably been on a total of 6 dates in 2 years and I don’t really count 3 of those… I just get caught up in remembering the feelings. The comfort… the familiarity… then I let them back in and I remember something else… the bullshit.

I can honestly say I am a different person than who I was when I dated ANY of my old jawns… so why would I think the happiness would still be there. Lowkey I probably know it wasn’t… but the temporary joy you get from familiarity… it’s like you favorite blanket…. It just brings you back to a comfortable space. 

But then I thought back to my apartment… how scared I was to come out my comfort zone, and how happy I am that I did. I guess I need to be willing to try that in my love life…As scary as it sounds…

The thought about being the girl that he “cares about deeply but know can’t marry” for the rest of my life is scarier though.

I’m not saying I may not slip up and need the warmth of that old blanket again… but for now I’m going to try and keep it tucked in the closet until my bed gets too cold (now that was DEFINITELY funny)