Change is gonna come

Sometimes it take the worst to bring out the best.

I dead think tonight was one of the worst nights of my life. Top 5 easy.

I wrote those last 2 post right before I had the worst/best conversation me and Stinkface have ever had. I won't go into detail cause somethings are private. Just know, we aren't perfect.

Remember a while back, I said I was a worrier. I have a confession... I do not want to be. I know its a horrible trait. It changed me. Its consumed me. I wanna be 2003 She... Where I had things to worry about, but I fixed them, not let it consume my life.

The other day i told Tiff. "You need to stop stressing. Enjoy the place God has put you in for a bit. Use this time wisely. I'm not saying dont be productive, I'm just saying dont stress cause its not happening immediately" (loosely translated). I need to take my own damn advice...

So right now I am just going to take a deep breathe, and pray.

I always, always say... Life doesn't always happen how you expect it too. But it ALWAYS turns out how its supposed too.

Night

Ever Feel Alone In A Room Full of People?

I do all the time. Sometimes I can be a in a room full of family and/or friends, and i will feel lonely. There will be an aching in me like when I want to be with people and I am alone in my room, except, I am around more than enough people.

Call me Crazy...

Dont call it a Comeback...

Yea Yea Yea, I been slacking. I know. My personal adviser, Tiff Thomp, told me I am slipping on my pimping. So I vow I am going to try and do better. I do have a valid reason for being MIA. I have a lot of ish going on. Lets go down the list

-Work in General
-Trying to find a new job so I dont have to work at this place anymore
-Getting my life together
-Smokequita (my 1992 Hinda Civic) being murdered

-Us trying to get Stinkface a new car since he live in bubbahell and works in timberf*ck
-Me contemplating getting a new car
-Deciding to get a new car and applying for a loan
-Getting a loan and looking for a car
-Stressing over finding a car, cause the one I wanted didn't work out
-Stressing that I still haven't found a car
-Worrying about Stinkface cause he isn't sleeping at night

Yea, so I have an excuse. But excuses are the tools of the weak. So I am going to say that my explanation. I am still going to try. I just need prayers that everything works out, and that if it doesn't, I am content enough to handle the blessing I KNOW God has coming for me instead

I know, Im slacking

I am not ignoring you guys. Its been a long few weeks. Ill update you soon.... with pics!

Quote of the Day

For 9/7/2010- "Smile, it won't mess up your hair baby girl"- Crackhead on the train commenting on my screw face

For 9/8/2010- "Nothing taste as good as skinny feels"- Toya, on going to the gym and being on a diet

I need to live by these...lol

I need opinions...

So April 2010, I cut my hair. I am growing my perm out and wanted to start getting rid of the relaxed ends. This pic was taken Sat May 8th.



I been taking vitamins, and changed my hair care regimen, and now I have another update...



and...



October 3rd makes a year. the back is completely natural...




Why am I sharing this with you? Cause, I been trying to start a hair consultation business for a while. My hair has been damaged really bad before, and I have tried damn near every product on the market to try and bring it back, and it did. I went from this in December of 2007...



It broke down the middle from over-processing and wrongly done weaving (the first and only sew-in that I got and took out a week later). The longest piece was 2 inches






I looked up things, tried things, and joined websites. I in turned learned things about other hair types, and what just straight out bad. I got my hair back..


August 2008




December 2008 (exactly a year later)



March 2009




Now, I want your opinions. I personally haven't started the business yet, because I dont think my hair is long enough. I wouldn't take weight loss advice from a fat person, so why would someone take hair advice from a person with short hair. So what do you think?

We Rep Hard

A-N-T ANTIGUA! I didn't make it out to the parade but I definitely waved my Antigua Flag around the house... Happy West Indian Day People!




PS- Peep my nails... OPI Elephantastic Pink... Yes... I'm Fancy

I 心 Nicki

I love Nicki Minaj...

心= heart in Japanese cause she a Harajuku Barbie... lol.. the more you know



No. Like dead ass...

I would let her sign my boobs, the whole 9 yards. Lol. I have even offered to be her baby mother on twitter... She never answered *ye shrug*. I know she is a little weird, I am not completely a fan of the orange wigs and such, cause she really is a pretty woman. I also think she has an amazing body... (that will be me one day... baby steps)

So why do I like her? Maybe its cause Capricorn and Sagittarius women get along great...but, honestly, she is everything every girl wants to be. No, admit it. You don't wish you could wear whatever made you happy and not care what anyone had to say, you had some of the hottest guys rapping/singing about wanting to be with you, right now she is the best in her craft (female rapper), and honestly, "what b*tch you know made a million on a mixtape"?

I like her music, her confidence, and the fact that she doesn't hate on other female rappers, unless they hate on her. She is about making that money. I can only respect that. If you dont like her fake British accent, or that she wears body suits all the time, you have to like the fact that she worked hard at her craft, and does what makes her happy, and she don't give a f*ck what you think.

"Please you can never compare to me,
all these b-tches is scared of me,
I am who they couldn’t even dare to be"

-Nicki Minaj in Sweet Dreams remix

Lost...

"Everyone has a gift, but not everyone open theirs"- T.Lloyd

Might be the realest sh*t she ever wrote. I always said I feel like I have no specialty, nothing I do great. I have no talent. Its just my view, and people probably feel that way all the time, but I truly believe it. I read this, and I said, well damn. I haven't opened my gift, but that because I didn't know it was there to tell the truth. I still don't.

I have amazing friends who I believe are all so talented, but me... Zip. Nada. Nothing. I know I do things well, but I can' think of one thing that I do amazingly, or any one thing that when someone says "that thing", they say "Oh yea, let me call Sioban" (other than finding coupons, and hair products). I wish I was "special". I wish I could sing, or was a Math wiz, or I was a natural at anything.

I think, one of the reasons I feel like I am in limbo with my career and my professional development, is cause I dont have a goal to aim too. I am the type of person who needs to know what to work for, or I kind of just coast. I working in Marketing now, but the job I am in makes me hate business. Like hate it. When I went to the hairdresser yesterday my hair is swinging by the way, I we were talking about working, and how tired you get after working for so long, even if you like what you do. I met a women who was a personal trainer, and a life coach (so they really do exist Tenee) and she says she needs a vacay, but she absolutely LOVES her job... so how you think I feel with a job I hate... Lord help me.

I am going to apply for a teaching program. Also, look for some other jobs in Marketing. I just feel lost and confused, and like I said before, I am a worrier. That doesn't leave much from for riskiness, so changing my career is kind of like a big f*cking deal. I just hope one of these mini epiphanies I have aren't so damn random, and I figure out what I am going to do for the next 40 years (that gave me a headache), and not dread it. I kind of just want to be happy...

So what do you do when you don't know where your gift is hidden to open it?

Silver Lining to my Clouds

Not sure if y'all remember but a while back, I mentioned a friend of mine has cervical cancer. She has gotten a few procedures and they all still came back as cancerous and/or abnormal....

Until yesterday. Her Pap Smear (sorry if this is TMI for the guys) came back normal. I cried (of course) but these were tears of joy. This made my day yesterday 1000000000% better.

For those of you that prayed, Thank You. For those that didn't think of it twice, don't worry, I will still pray for you..

And for some reason, if some of you actually wished or hoped she didn't get better... sorry... God won this one (he always does)

Playing Catch Up...

So I am not going to lie. Sh*ts hit the fan. The positivity streak has hit a bump in the road, but I feel like my wheels about to fall off I have no clue where the metaphor came from. I am having the I am so un-accomplished, what did I go to school for, hiding my tears from co-workers by staring at my screen or down at the keyboard extra hard kind of days. Everything has gone wrong. I can't even talk to Stinkface about it because today isn't so much of a good day for us (adding insult to injury). I want to break down. So on lunch time I went to the Grand central Library and got some books (books to me are like tea for West Indians, they are the answer to everything). I picked up Young, Fabulous an Broke by Suze Orman (story of my life), Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen (that falls under PB romances) and Nights in Rodanthe on DVD. Unless I go to Cross County with my wife Diandra who I legitimately think is going to make herself crazy, I am drowning myself in books, tears, and rum and raisin grape nut ice cream even though I am not supposed to eat dairy. *Disclaimer* Not sure if I said this before, but I cry for everything. Its how I get my frustration out. Its a release. People don't understand it, including me, but hey... it's what I do *ye shrug*

Like, I dead ass don't even know how to get out this funk. I saw someone from highschool while walking back from the library, all items from the library, plus a chocolate cookie, in hand and she asked if I am OK. I said of course, why...

Another disclaimer- I don't know if anyone knew this about me but I have always secretly wanted to be an actress. I used to practice all the time. So if you see me upset, it for one of the following- a)It just happened, b)Its so overwhelming that I can't contain it (usually dealing with sickness of someone close), or c)I wanted you to know. I can fake happiness very easily, and since I cry so much, I know how to stop them as quick as they start, and look like nothing is wrong. So when home girl asked if I was OK, I know it was believable...

She said looking at the items in my hand, I have the makings for a night of someone who just got dumped. I laughed it off, we had small talk and I kept it moving. In the elevator I shed a tear. David (yeah, he is David today) hasn't dumped me that I know of but I damn sure feels like life has. We was going good for about 22 years, then I feel like she quit me. I mean we still together, but she really ain't feeling me like she used too. She flirting with my friends right in front of my face, trying to make me jealous too bad she don't know I will never feel anger towards a friends happiness, just wish it was a little more wide spread. Its like she trying to force me to break up with her. She feel obligated to stay even thought she doesn't want to. I know, I'm doing better than most, but that's not enough. Maybe this is just a bad day and ill be talking about unicorns, and bunnies, and holding Stinkface hand while we skip along the beach at sunset tomorrow. But today... I'm just thru...