Worried About The Wrong Things

So, one of my best friends Grandmother died this weekend. It hurt me like I lost a family member. I grew up with this woman... I called her Grandma. She watched me when I was younger and always had, and will have a special place in my heart. I went to the house, to spend time with my extended family on Sunday, in the midst of everything personal going on...

Still hung over from the night before, and head still pounding from the stress of the morning (well, shit the past 6 months), I walked into love. I was handed an patron shot, and welcomed with kisses. Funeral arrangements quickly turned into storied about Grandma, and my tears were bittersweet. I was happy to be here, but sad that it was under these circumstances. Happy to see the love, but sad it was brought out by pain...

I left their house, which is like 15 houses from mine, and as I walked down the block, I watched my feet move. Its a 2 minute walk that felt like 20...I was in a trance, staring at my Essie Mint Candy Apple toes, wondering why my soul felt so heavy. Then it hit me like that Greyhound back in 2007...

I had been worrying about the wrong things...

I had been caught up in dumb ass issues, trying to forget the major ones that hovered over me like a thunder cloud just waiting to strike. I have been worried about outfits, men, sex, twitter, my hair, just anything other than getting my life together. I have been letting things stress me that I can not change. I have been putting my energy in nonsense, and wasting my precious time in it when I can die tomorrow, and what will be said about me? She had a funny twitter? He last days were spent worrying about an argument and looking for shoes? It makes my heart hurt. My soul ache. My body weary. My smile erased. I'm weak. Legitimately.

My mind has been racing, so I need to stop and slow it down. I need to work on the goals I have set, but put aside because I needed to have fun. I need to find the balance. I need to realize that I am not everyone's priority, though they may be mine, and not be hurt by that. Accept it and either move on, or move forward with the new found knowledge. I'm sensitive, yes I know. I'm a worry wort, yes I know. Those things I probably can not change. I don't think I want to. It what makes me... Me. I just need to learn how to handle these things, and learn how to handle when people cant. I need to not be overwhelmed and focus my energy on the things that benefit my life, and not negativity or trivial shit. I need to learn to be selfish and selfless simultaneously... I just need to find contentment in the pursuit of my happiness...

I know that was a random rant... I would apologize but you knew what you signed up for... check the blog name.

RIP Grandma Chelsea.