My jawn @_DaveyBaby sent me this and i got sick... it was like a wake up call. I know New Years coming and some are making resolution and re-evaluating the past year... Please think of these as you approach 2012
I actually want to tattoo 75% of these on my body...
Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.
Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on. No, it won’t be easy. There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems. That’s not how we’re made. In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.
Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself. Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves. Read The Road Less Traveled.
Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. Yes, help others; but help yourself too. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.
Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else. Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you. Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.
Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.
Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing. Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success. You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.
Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future. Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive. But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.
Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either. You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else. Read Stumbling on Happiness.
Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place. Evaluate situations and take decisive action. You cannot change what you refuse to confront. Making progress involves risk. Period! You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.
Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.
Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely. It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company. There’s no need to rush. If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.
Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you. But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.
Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others doing better than you. Concentrate on beating your own records every day. Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.
Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own. Ask yourself this: “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”
Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you. You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough. But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past. You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation. So smile! Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.
Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate. Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself! And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too. If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.
Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway. Just do what you know in your heart is right.
Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.
Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things. The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.
Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done. Read Getting Things Done.
Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile. Don’t take the easy way out. Do something extraordinary.
Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while. You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well. You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.
Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life. When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.
Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out. But making one person smile CAN change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world. So narrow your focus.
Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy. One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time? Three years? Five years?” If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.
Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen. Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story. If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.
Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life. Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs. Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Sunday, December 25, 2011
I laugh every time...
I hate generalities and stereotypes... but sometimes they are hilarious. Merry Christmas!
Monday, December 19, 2011
Monogamy and Infidelity- Which is Natural? Pt. 1
So my absolutely fearless and extraordinary friend @InADash had a relationship roundtable talking about monogamy and infidelity and I was honored she invited me. We went to brunch and I had an amazing time and got to see different point of views from not just different genders, but different relationship statuses... from single to divorced...
We talked about so much the video had to get broken into two parts... here is part one (also stop by Venus Genus. Enjoy!
Of Course the still shot of the video is me looking like I'm yelling with a fork in my hand... typical.
We talked about so much the video had to get broken into two parts... here is part one (also stop by Venus Genus. Enjoy!
Of Course the still shot of the video is me looking like I'm yelling with a fork in my hand... typical.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Confirmation
So, I had to bring light to this... cause Lord knows when it will happen again. My last post meant a lot to me... but the comment one of my best friends left... means more than all the posts on this blog combined. I've read it a million times and I cry every single time. When I saw it, I called her bawling, and her evil self laughed. She has no idea, and probably never will know the significance her words have had on me tonight. But I will say this... If I had any doubt about my "talent"... they have been squashed.
Thank you.
1 comments:T Lloyd said...
Usually I don't do this but...[in my R. Kelly voice] I have to comment. I have been waiting for this day, since you broke off your engagement. The truth is, that you're the only one who doesn't know how amazing you are. You're the rock and that may seem like a boring position because it doesn't usually move, it's not flashy, and people usually take it for granted but THE ROCK HOLDS SOMETHING, (even if it is just a patch of grass) DOWN!!!! I have struggled with keeping your purpose to myself and being patient enough to allow you to discover it on your own and I'm glad that it came from an unsuspecting place (Ron, God bless you).
You don't have to be anything but what you are. It may seem weird and unimportant watching everybody chase their dream but I'd be lying if I didn't say how admirable it is to be the person driving us toward that dream when we're tired, discouraged and weary. Your dream, your purpose is NO LESS IMPORTANT. I told you one day, that the only reason I'm thankful for your last breakup is because it created the space for you to love someone else. What I didn't say is that the space was for YOU. You are gifted in loving everyone around you, but your purpose helps you love yourself. I will, as many others should as well, take the blame for not getting you to this point sooner. We don't say thank you enough. We don't express our gratitude the way we should. We're not as good as loving as you are, please forgive us.
I think I'm tearing up, but let me talk my sh.t. The thing is, that there is not a day that goes by that I don't imagine you by my side as I conquer my biggest, happiest,and saddest struggles. I don't tell you enough how much I love you for loving me. That's a damn job that no one and I mean NO ONE, can do like you.
I'm glad that you have a purpose that brings you joy. I don't know anybody that wants to look into a crowd and not see their biggest supporter. I and the rest of your friends are EXTREMELY BLESSED, that when we look out into a dark crowd, we see your face looking back at us.
Thank you.
1 comments:T Lloyd said...
Usually I don't do this but...[in my R. Kelly voice] I have to comment. I have been waiting for this day, since you broke off your engagement. The truth is, that you're the only one who doesn't know how amazing you are. You're the rock and that may seem like a boring position because it doesn't usually move, it's not flashy, and people usually take it for granted but THE ROCK HOLDS SOMETHING, (even if it is just a patch of grass) DOWN!!!! I have struggled with keeping your purpose to myself and being patient enough to allow you to discover it on your own and I'm glad that it came from an unsuspecting place (Ron, God bless you).
You don't have to be anything but what you are. It may seem weird and unimportant watching everybody chase their dream but I'd be lying if I didn't say how admirable it is to be the person driving us toward that dream when we're tired, discouraged and weary. Your dream, your purpose is NO LESS IMPORTANT. I told you one day, that the only reason I'm thankful for your last breakup is because it created the space for you to love someone else. What I didn't say is that the space was for YOU. You are gifted in loving everyone around you, but your purpose helps you love yourself. I will, as many others should as well, take the blame for not getting you to this point sooner. We don't say thank you enough. We don't express our gratitude the way we should. We're not as good as loving as you are, please forgive us.
I think I'm tearing up, but let me talk my sh.t. The thing is, that there is not a day that goes by that I don't imagine you by my side as I conquer my biggest, happiest,and saddest struggles. I don't tell you enough how much I love you for loving me. That's a damn job that no one and I mean NO ONE, can do like you.
I'm glad that you have a purpose that brings you joy. I don't know anybody that wants to look into a crowd and not see their biggest supporter. I and the rest of your friends are EXTREMELY BLESSED, that when we look out into a dark crowd, we see your face looking back at us.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Purpose
So one of the recurring posts on this here little ole blog of mine is that I feel like I have no purpose. My friends are amazing people. God has blessed me with the friendships of future politicians, writers, actresses, CEO's, just creative talented ambitious spirits. I always wondered why i was put in the presence of these great people when I myself, had nothing to offer. Its honestly been one of the things thats made me crazy and weighed on my spirit for years to no avail...
Well, one of these amazing ass friends of mine is putting on a charity open mic, by himself... He is great. I look at @InDraperWeTrust and see him with the ambition for 10 people. He is an amazing friend (we been holding each other down since 2002), boyfriend (he dates my gorgeous girlfriendthey happy cause of me!), work at a law firm, has significant goals and views, and is now putting this vision to life of his open mic for charity. He is definitely dope...
Anyways, we texting back and forth about the event. I know the event is going be great but I'm helping him anyway I can. He doesn't know this (well he will after he reads this) but joking around has helped settle one of the biggest issues I had had in my "adult" life.
Me- I wish I had a talent to help lol
Ron-LOL. Well your support is talent..
Negro what?!?! This whole time I been looking for a physical or tangible talent. A purpose you can see. I never thought of it being something others can feel. I never thought my talent could be support. I never thought me giving my friends with big dreams helping hands could be the meaning for my life. But as I read the text, I had a genuine epiphany. I haven't had one like this since I left my ex. One that makes me feel genuinely content. I have my dreams, but thats hair consulting and opening a shop. I was never the creative visionary, or the philanthropist. Hell, I don't even like being the center of attention. I was just there for my friends when they needed me. But that purpose feels enough. The fact that I had a hand in helping my family and friends fulfill their dreams...well... that, now, has become my dream. Knowing that they are genuinely content and accomplished, and I had a slight hand in it... wheher it be promotion, looking over papers, working over budgets, giving praise or constructive critisism or telling them to calmthe fuck down cause they going to be amazing... I KNOW this is what I am here for. And I am content with it. I am actually brought to tears as I write this because it legit makes me happy thinking about all the people I can assist.
So Ron. Thank you... You've given me the perfect ending to this year of learning, by giving me a purpose. And all the support you will receive me throughout the future of our friendship will never amount to the gift you gave me with that text. Love you Ronnie Bop.
Here is the info for Ron's event. Hit him or me directly for information!
The "Renaissance Reborn": come check out talented up and coming singers, poets, musicians and spoken word artists, coming together to raise money for Charity. 1/12/12 @ The Brownstone Lounge (2647 8th Avenue in Harlem, NY) Happy hour from 7pm till the 8 o'clock showtime. Admission $10 in advance and $15 at the door. Email TheRenaissanceReborn@gmail.com or text 917.524.8892 for tickets and other information.
Well, one of these amazing ass friends of mine is putting on a charity open mic, by himself... He is great. I look at @InDraperWeTrust and see him with the ambition for 10 people. He is an amazing friend (we been holding each other down since 2002), boyfriend (he dates my gorgeous girlfriend
Anyways, we texting back and forth about the event. I know the event is going be great but I'm helping him anyway I can. He doesn't know this (well he will after he reads this) but joking around has helped settle one of the biggest issues I had had in my "adult" life.
Me- I wish I had a talent to help lol
Ron-LOL. Well your support is talent..
Negro what?!?! This whole time I been looking for a physical or tangible talent. A purpose you can see. I never thought of it being something others can feel. I never thought my talent could be support. I never thought me giving my friends with big dreams helping hands could be the meaning for my life. But as I read the text, I had a genuine epiphany. I haven't had one like this since I left my ex. One that makes me feel genuinely content. I have my dreams, but thats hair consulting and opening a shop. I was never the creative visionary, or the philanthropist. Hell, I don't even like being the center of attention. I was just there for my friends when they needed me. But that purpose feels enough. The fact that I had a hand in helping my family and friends fulfill their dreams...well... that, now, has become my dream. Knowing that they are genuinely content and accomplished, and I had a slight hand in it... wheher it be promotion, looking over papers, working over budgets, giving praise or constructive critisism or telling them to calm
So Ron. Thank you... You've given me the perfect ending to this year of learning, by giving me a purpose. And all the support you will receive me throughout the future of our friendship will never amount to the gift you gave me with that text. Love you Ronnie Bop.
Here is the info for Ron's event. Hit him or me directly for information!
The "Renaissance Reborn": come check out talented up and coming singers, poets, musicians and spoken word artists, coming together to raise money for Charity. 1/12/12 @ The Brownstone Lounge (2647 8th Avenue in Harlem, NY) Happy hour from 7pm till the 8 o'clock showtime. Admission $10 in advance and $15 at the door. Email TheRenaissanceReborn@gmail.com or text 917.524.8892 for tickets and other information.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Lusty Sundays
This came on in the car.... My mind aint been right ever since...
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Jilly From Philly
Please excuse the ad in the beginning... its the only official video I could find and I needed you to see Jills face...I needed yo to experience this video... because this is the best way I could visually put how I felt when shit got real this year. Sometimes when I can't express myself, music can...
Lyrics:
ear My Call"
[Verse 1]
Here I am again asking questions,
Waiting to be moved.
I am so unsure of my perception,
What I thought I knew I don't seem to
Where is the turn so I can get back to what I believe in?
Back to the old me and
[Chorus]
God, please hear my call.
I am afraid for me.
Love has burned me raw
I need your healing
Please, please, please.
[Verse 2]
I am such a fool
How did I get here?
Played by all the rules
Then they changed
I am but a child to your vision
Standing in the cold and the rain
Lost here in the dark
I can't see my foot to take a step,
What is happening?
Oh, this hurts so bad. I can hardly breathe.
I just want to leave so...
[Chorus]
God, please hear my call.
I am afraid for me.
Love has burned me raw
I need your healing
Please,
God, please hear my call.
I am afraid for me.
Love has burned me raw
I need your healing
Please, please, oh, please, please.
God please hear my call.
I am afraid.
Love has turned me cold,
I need your healing.
Please, please, please, please, please, please.
As The Year Comes To An End...
Happy Saturday people...
So I am sitting here in my bed. I have absolutely nothing to do. And it feels amazing. But an idle mind is the devils playground. I was on twitter bored and I saw something that made me upset... Long story short... Texts were exchanged and in conclusion I said... "You got it" and meant it. All the while Im having a conversation with people that have help me down like no other and I realize, Ive come full circle.
I knew this post was going to have to happen. I knew it since January. I was going to have to look back at my year and figure what I learned Through all the lessons, through all the changes, through everything... What was it all for?
Balance.
This year has been an experience. Ive tried new things. Experienced a decades worth of living in less that 12 months. Let me see f I can paraphrase..
Not everything is for everyone
I don't like Mayo, some people do. I ate some mayo this year... I still hate it. I don't like being popular/mixxy... some people do. It was fun for a bit... Then the people talking about you, making assumptions about you life, tinkling your friends because they met you at events or they follow you on twitter starts to take a toll on you... or well me... This life isn't for me... and thats fine. Ill let the people who like it, have it...
"Friendships"
I was a Girl scout... one of the songs we used to sing was "Make new friends, but keep the old... some are silver and the others are gold" I always loved this song... Mainly cause I was always meeting new people, even at a young age, and I loved it. New point of views, new interactions, maybe meeting someone who could change your life... LOVED IT. But the thing that always made me feel safe in all of this was knowing my real gold... my family (Now let me explain something. I call people friends or homeboy/homegirl for lack of a better word. People who are my friends... who i will hold down through thick or thin and they should have no doubt... Those people I call my family...)... would be there for me. I have met fakes, frauds, delusionals, schizos, crazies, and more this year. Ive also met mazing people who have been there for me more than people who Ive known for years and didn't even pick up the phone to make sure I was good... quality, not quantity. I have sorted through the quantity and noted the quality. They give me life.. But that doesn't mean I can't share a joke with someone who I wouldn't share my life with. Im gonna enjoy life and peoples company cause Im gonna make the most of this experience since i can only do it one time...YOLO
Sometimes you need to turn it up
My favorite line used to be..."I can't do/be a part of this... I have a 401k... " as a reminder to calm down and not spazz. I am usually the voice of reason when it comes to acting crazy... but this year I learned... spazzing out every once in a while is appropriate. Some people say stupid things, and you have to show them you are the bigger person. Then there are people who bait you, and you have to show them that you aren't pussy. Some people only respect crazy. Thats fine... You asked for it.. Im not the spazzing type... thats just not me and I have enough friends to do that for me... But there is a thin line between chilling and doormat
Im a 36 Mafist
One of my favorite songs from 36 Mafia is "Dont Save her"... "Dont Save her... she don't want to be saved". I follow this philosophy as well. My friends call me "captain save a hoe". I've come to terms with that... Thats who I am. The person I am won't let me NOT help... But there are limits... I can't help no one that don't want to help themselves. Why am I wasting my time and energy stressing myself for you and you don't care and/or you just gonna make the same mistake over and over again? I got my own issues... I can't waste my solutions on your reoccurring ones...
Im a softy
Im the joint that says "I love you"/"I miss you" often. My friends use to say how "gay" it was... (y'all know I love the gays. I was just quoting them). So this year... I tried something new. I hid my feelings and It felt weird... and I still kind of got hurt. so whatTHEE FUCK was the point? I am going back to my mushy self. I am telling people I love them often. Tell people exactly what I feel when I feel it. Sadly, I got a reminder why I did that. You never know when the person will never be able to hear it again. I never want my friends/family to doubt my feelings towards them. I remembered how horrible it feels wanting to tell someone how you feel and wishing they knew. Wishing you had some kind of sign they heard, and wanting to know how they feel too.
Now there is more... but these stuck out the most today... I got some more coming before the end of the year... but one thing we all have to remember...
You may not be where you want to be... but that God you are not where you were.
So I am sitting here in my bed. I have absolutely nothing to do. And it feels amazing. But an idle mind is the devils playground. I was on twitter bored and I saw something that made me upset... Long story short... Texts were exchanged and in conclusion I said... "You got it" and meant it. All the while Im having a conversation with people that have help me down like no other and I realize, Ive come full circle.
I knew this post was going to have to happen. I knew it since January. I was going to have to look back at my year and figure what I learned Through all the lessons, through all the changes, through everything... What was it all for?
Balance.
This year has been an experience. Ive tried new things. Experienced a decades worth of living in less that 12 months. Let me see f I can paraphrase..
Not everything is for everyone
I don't like Mayo, some people do. I ate some mayo this year... I still hate it. I don't like being popular/mixxy... some people do. It was fun for a bit... Then the people talking about you, making assumptions about you life, tinkling your friends because they met you at events or they follow you on twitter starts to take a toll on you... or well me... This life isn't for me... and thats fine. Ill let the people who like it, have it...
"Friendships"
I was a Girl scout... one of the songs we used to sing was "Make new friends, but keep the old... some are silver and the others are gold" I always loved this song... Mainly cause I was always meeting new people, even at a young age, and I loved it. New point of views, new interactions, maybe meeting someone who could change your life... LOVED IT. But the thing that always made me feel safe in all of this was knowing my real gold... my family (Now let me explain something. I call people friends or homeboy/homegirl for lack of a better word. People who are my friends... who i will hold down through thick or thin and they should have no doubt... Those people I call my family...)... would be there for me. I have met fakes, frauds, delusionals, schizos, crazies, and more this year. Ive also met mazing people who have been there for me more than people who Ive known for years and didn't even pick up the phone to make sure I was good... quality, not quantity. I have sorted through the quantity and noted the quality. They give me life.. But that doesn't mean I can't share a joke with someone who I wouldn't share my life with. Im gonna enjoy life and peoples company cause Im gonna make the most of this experience since i can only do it one time...
Sometimes you need to turn it up
My favorite line used to be..."I can't do/be a part of this... I have a 401k... " as a reminder to calm down and not spazz. I am usually the voice of reason when it comes to acting crazy... but this year I learned... spazzing out every once in a while is appropriate. Some people say stupid things, and you have to show them you are the bigger person. Then there are people who bait you, and you have to show them that you aren't pussy. Some people only respect crazy. Thats fine... You asked for it.. Im not the spazzing type... thats just not me and I have enough friends to do that for me... But there is a thin line between chilling and doormat
Im a 36 Mafist
One of my favorite songs from 36 Mafia is "Dont Save her"... "Dont Save her... she don't want to be saved". I follow this philosophy as well. My friends call me "captain save a hoe". I've come to terms with that... Thats who I am. The person I am won't let me NOT help... But there are limits... I can't help no one that don't want to help themselves. Why am I wasting my time and energy stressing myself for you and you don't care and/or you just gonna make the same mistake over and over again? I got my own issues... I can't waste my solutions on your reoccurring ones...
Im a softy
Im the joint that says "I love you"/"I miss you" often. My friends use to say how "gay" it was... (y'all know I love the gays. I was just quoting them). So this year... I tried something new. I hid my feelings and It felt weird... and I still kind of got hurt. so what
Now there is more... but these stuck out the most today... I got some more coming before the end of the year... but one thing we all have to remember...
You may not be where you want to be... but that God you are not where you were.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Why you're not Married
Read this article a while back... got brought back to my attention. Wanted to share... Enjoy!
"You want to get married. It's taken a while to admit it. Saying it out loud -- even in your mind -- feels kind of desperate, kind of unfeminist, kind of definitely not you, or at least not any you that you recognize. Because you're hardly like those girls on TLC saying yes to the dress and you would never compete for a man like those poor actress-wannabes on The Bachelor.
You've never dreamt of an aqua-blue ring box.
Then, something happened. Another birthday, maybe. A breakup. Your brother's wedding. His wife-elect asked you to be a bridesmaid, and suddenly there you were, wondering how in hell you came to be 36-years-old, walking down the aisle wearing something halfway decent from J. Crew that you could totally repurpose with a cute pair of boots and a jean jacket. You started to hate the bride -- she was so effing happy -- and for the first time ever you began to have feelings about the fact that you're not married. You never really cared that much before. But suddenly (it was so sudden) you found yourself wondering... Deep, deep breath... Why you're not married.
Well, I know why.
How? It basically comes down to this: I've been married three times. Yes, three. To a very nice MBA at 19; a very nice minister's son at 32 (and pregnant); and at 40, to a very nice liar and cheater who was just like my dad, if my dad had gone to Harvard instead of doing multiple stints in federal prison.
I was, for some reason, born knowing how to get married. Growing up in foster care is a big part of it. The need for security made me look for very specific traits in the men I dated -- traits it turns out lead to marriage a surprisingly high percentage of the time. Without really trying to, I've become a sort of jailhouse lawyer of relationships -- someone who's had to do so much work on her own case that I can now help you with yours.
But I won't lie. The problem is not men, it's you. Sure, there are lame men out there, but they're not really standing in your way. Because the fact is -- if whatever you're doing right now was going to get you married, you'd already have a ring on it. So without further ado, let's look at the top six reasons why you're not married.
1. You're a Bitch.
Here's what I mean by bitch. I mean you're angry. You probably don't think you're angry. You think you're super smart, or if you've been to a lot of therapy, that you're setting boundaries. But the truth is you're pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it's scaring men off.
The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here's what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn't think so. You've seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man's fear and insecurity in order to get married -- but actually, it's perfect, since working around a man's fear and insecurity is big part of what you'll be doing as a wife.
2. You're Shallow.
When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man's character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you're not married, I already know it isn't. Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit.
Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy. And they never feel like cooking, either.
3. You're a Slut.
Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore -- but they're not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you're having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin -- it doesn't stay recreational for long.
That's due in part to this thing called oxytocin -- a bonding hormone that is released when a woman a) nurses her baby and b) has an orgasm -- that will totally mess up your casual-sex game. It's why you can be f**k-buddying with some dude who isn't even all that great and the next thing you know, you're totally strung out on him. And you have no idea how it happened. Oxytocin, that's how it happened. And since nature can't discriminate between marriage material and Charlie Sheen, you're going to have to start being way more selective than you are right now.
4. You're a Liar.
It usually goes something like this: you meet a guy who is cute and likes you, but he's not really available for a relationship. He has some condition that absolutely precludes his availability, like he's married, or he gets around town on a skateboard. Or maybe he just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, "I'm not really available for a relationship right now."
You know if you tell him the truth -- that you're ready for marriage -- he will stop calling. Usually that day. And you don't want that. So you just tell him how perfect this is because you only want to have sex for fun! You love having fun sex! And you don't want to get in a relationship at all! You swear!
About ten minutes later, the oxytocin kicks in. You start wanting more. But you don't tell him that. That's your secret -- just between you and 22,000 of your closest girlfriends. Instead, you hang around, having sex with him, waiting for him to figure out that he can't live without you. I have news: he will never "figure" this out. He already knows he can live without you just fine. And so do you. Or you wouldn't be lying to him in the first place.
5. You're Selfish.
If you're not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don't have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy -- or at least a guy with a really, really good job -- would solve all your problems.
Howevs, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s**t to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt. The kids put the woman on notice: Bitch, hello! It's not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her. Which is also to say -- if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios.
6. You're Not Good Enough.
Oh, I don't think that. You do. I can tell because you're not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job.
Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don't know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won't love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this.
I see this at my son's artsy, progressive school. Of 183 kids, maybe six have moms who are as cute as you're trying to be. They're attractive, sure. They're just not objects. Their husbands (wisely) chose them for their character, not their cup size.
Alright, so that's the bad news. The good news is that I believe every woman who wants to can find a great partner. You're just going to need to get rid of the idea that marriage will make you happy. It won't. Once the initial high wears off, you'll just be you, except with twice as much laundry.
Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something -- it's about giving it. Strangely, men understand this more than we do. Probably because for them marriage involves sacrificing their most treasured possession -- a free-agent penis -- and for us, it's the culmination of a princess fantasy so universal, it built Disneyland.
The bottom line is that marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don't deserve it. Because most of the time, your messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating man will not be doing what you want him to. But as you give him love anyway -- because you have made up your mind to transform yourself into a person who is practicing being kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving, and most of all, accepting of your own dear self -- you will find that you will experience the very thing you wanted all along:
Love."
"You want to get married. It's taken a while to admit it. Saying it out loud -- even in your mind -- feels kind of desperate, kind of unfeminist, kind of definitely not you, or at least not any you that you recognize. Because you're hardly like those girls on TLC saying yes to the dress and you would never compete for a man like those poor actress-wannabes on The Bachelor.
You've never dreamt of an aqua-blue ring box.
Then, something happened. Another birthday, maybe. A breakup. Your brother's wedding. His wife-elect asked you to be a bridesmaid, and suddenly there you were, wondering how in hell you came to be 36-years-old, walking down the aisle wearing something halfway decent from J. Crew that you could totally repurpose with a cute pair of boots and a jean jacket. You started to hate the bride -- she was so effing happy -- and for the first time ever you began to have feelings about the fact that you're not married. You never really cared that much before. But suddenly (it was so sudden) you found yourself wondering... Deep, deep breath... Why you're not married.
Well, I know why.
How? It basically comes down to this: I've been married three times. Yes, three. To a very nice MBA at 19; a very nice minister's son at 32 (and pregnant); and at 40, to a very nice liar and cheater who was just like my dad, if my dad had gone to Harvard instead of doing multiple stints in federal prison.
I was, for some reason, born knowing how to get married. Growing up in foster care is a big part of it. The need for security made me look for very specific traits in the men I dated -- traits it turns out lead to marriage a surprisingly high percentage of the time. Without really trying to, I've become a sort of jailhouse lawyer of relationships -- someone who's had to do so much work on her own case that I can now help you with yours.
But I won't lie. The problem is not men, it's you. Sure, there are lame men out there, but they're not really standing in your way. Because the fact is -- if whatever you're doing right now was going to get you married, you'd already have a ring on it. So without further ado, let's look at the top six reasons why you're not married.
1. You're a Bitch.
Here's what I mean by bitch. I mean you're angry. You probably don't think you're angry. You think you're super smart, or if you've been to a lot of therapy, that you're setting boundaries. But the truth is you're pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it's scaring men off.
The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here's what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn't think so. You've seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man's fear and insecurity in order to get married -- but actually, it's perfect, since working around a man's fear and insecurity is big part of what you'll be doing as a wife.
2. You're Shallow.
When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man's character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you're not married, I already know it isn't. Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit.
Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy. And they never feel like cooking, either.
3. You're a Slut.
Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore -- but they're not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you're having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin -- it doesn't stay recreational for long.
That's due in part to this thing called oxytocin -- a bonding hormone that is released when a woman a) nurses her baby and b) has an orgasm -- that will totally mess up your casual-sex game. It's why you can be f**k-buddying with some dude who isn't even all that great and the next thing you know, you're totally strung out on him. And you have no idea how it happened. Oxytocin, that's how it happened. And since nature can't discriminate between marriage material and Charlie Sheen, you're going to have to start being way more selective than you are right now.
4. You're a Liar.
It usually goes something like this: you meet a guy who is cute and likes you, but he's not really available for a relationship. He has some condition that absolutely precludes his availability, like he's married, or he gets around town on a skateboard. Or maybe he just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, "I'm not really available for a relationship right now."
You know if you tell him the truth -- that you're ready for marriage -- he will stop calling. Usually that day. And you don't want that. So you just tell him how perfect this is because you only want to have sex for fun! You love having fun sex! And you don't want to get in a relationship at all! You swear!
About ten minutes later, the oxytocin kicks in. You start wanting more. But you don't tell him that. That's your secret -- just between you and 22,000 of your closest girlfriends. Instead, you hang around, having sex with him, waiting for him to figure out that he can't live without you. I have news: he will never "figure" this out. He already knows he can live without you just fine. And so do you. Or you wouldn't be lying to him in the first place.
5. You're Selfish.
If you're not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don't have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy -- or at least a guy with a really, really good job -- would solve all your problems.
Howevs, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s**t to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt. The kids put the woman on notice: Bitch, hello! It's not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her. Which is also to say -- if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios.
6. You're Not Good Enough.
Oh, I don't think that. You do. I can tell because you're not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job.
Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don't know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won't love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this.
I see this at my son's artsy, progressive school. Of 183 kids, maybe six have moms who are as cute as you're trying to be. They're attractive, sure. They're just not objects. Their husbands (wisely) chose them for their character, not their cup size.
Alright, so that's the bad news. The good news is that I believe every woman who wants to can find a great partner. You're just going to need to get rid of the idea that marriage will make you happy. It won't. Once the initial high wears off, you'll just be you, except with twice as much laundry.
Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something -- it's about giving it. Strangely, men understand this more than we do. Probably because for them marriage involves sacrificing their most treasured possession -- a free-agent penis -- and for us, it's the culmination of a princess fantasy so universal, it built Disneyland.
The bottom line is that marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don't deserve it. Because most of the time, your messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating man will not be doing what you want him to. But as you give him love anyway -- because you have made up your mind to transform yourself into a person who is practicing being kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving, and most of all, accepting of your own dear self -- you will find that you will experience the very thing you wanted all along:
Love."
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Venus vs Mars...
Everyday Im reminded of how different men and women are. Everyday.
Back in 2003, before we started dating, my ex and I had a conversation about sex... and how it affects us. He said that when men don't have sex for a while, they get stronger... they feel like they can lift cars and be extra focused. But we all know I trust that man like I would trust a bald white man buying all the white sheets in a WalMart in Mississippi
Fast forward to September... Over sinks some of my homeboys told me the same thing. They said sex clouds their head... when they didn't have sex, they did their best at school, sports, life in general. always hear professional sports teams BANNING sex before big games. I can't even fathom this...
Sex is men's weakness, and its women's strength.
I know women (including myself) who go legit crazy without sex. LEGITIMATELY CRAZY. Anyone who knows me, knows I am an efficient bitch. Calls returned in timely manners, emails sent out quickly, always trying to be productive, 2 or 3 jobs on deck, 18 credits... I made shit happen...until this year.
I was sitting back wondering what was wrong. Why wasn't I the old Sio? The one who people looked at for reliability and stability. Where had she gone? Then I realized... I wasn't having constant sex.
Good dick can motivate you to be the all you can be...The Army ain't got shit on it. Each stroke will have you making life plans..
*Stroke*
I am gonna cook breakfast...
*Sroke*
I am gonna make dinner with dessert...
*Stroke*
I am gonna reorganize my closet...
*Stroke*
Nah, I need to go back to school for my masters...
And, I know what y'all saying...Some women thrive without sex... You've seen them... Single, celibate, sane, and successful. Right? Well what you not seeing is they probably masturbating like crazy. They'd marry their rabbit if it was legal. For some women, the release is enough. We all want the real thing, but they need it. If they didn't have it... man listen... All Im saying is I've seen horny spazz outs that aint got shit on PMS.
And you'll always know when a women isn't have sex... everything remind her of sex... be distracted as hell. A man shake my hand too hard and there is no telling whats gonna happen...
But of course men get the better end of the deal in life... They don't have sex, they turn into superman... they do have sex... well... they having sex...
SMH.. This life don't love us
Back in 2003, before we started dating, my ex and I had a conversation about sex... and how it affects us. He said that when men don't have sex for a while, they get stronger... they feel like they can lift cars and be extra focused. But we all know I trust that man like I would trust a bald white man buying all the white sheets in a WalMart in Mississippi
Fast forward to September... Over sinks some of my homeboys told me the same thing. They said sex clouds their head... when they didn't have sex, they did their best at school, sports, life in general. always hear professional sports teams BANNING sex before big games. I can't even fathom this...
Sex is men's weakness, and its women's strength.
I know women (including myself) who go legit crazy without sex. LEGITIMATELY CRAZY. Anyone who knows me, knows I am an efficient bitch. Calls returned in timely manners, emails sent out quickly, always trying to be productive, 2 or 3 jobs on deck, 18 credits... I made shit happen...until this year.
I was sitting back wondering what was wrong. Why wasn't I the old Sio? The one who people looked at for reliability and stability. Where had she gone? Then I realized... I wasn't having constant sex.
Good dick can motivate you to be the all you can be...The Army ain't got shit on it. Each stroke will have you making life plans..
*Stroke*
I am gonna cook breakfast...
*Sroke*
I am gonna make dinner with dessert...
*Stroke*
I am gonna reorganize my closet...
*Stroke*
Nah, I need to go back to school for my masters...
And, I know what y'all saying...Some women thrive without sex... You've seen them... Single, celibate, sane, and successful. Right? Well what you not seeing is they probably masturbating like crazy. They'd marry their rabbit if it was legal. For some women, the release is enough. We all want the real thing, but they need it. If they didn't have it... man listen... All Im saying is I've seen horny spazz outs that aint got shit on PMS.
And you'll always know when a women isn't have sex... everything remind her of sex... be distracted as hell. A man shake my hand too hard and there is no telling whats gonna happen...
But of course men get the better end of the deal in life... They don't have sex, they turn into superman... they do have sex... well... they having sex...
SMH.. This life don't love us
Ain't Too Proud To Beg
Have I expressed how much I love TLC?
I used to love this song. Still do, but now... I can't relate.
I am absolutely too proud to beg..
Judge if y'all want, but I refuse to beg a man to have sex with me. Like even if its my man. Im not denying you the moot magic, why am i scratching at your pants begging for you to break me off...
And in this naive little world of mine, with the company I keep
Wait...
Maybe my pride is too strong, or I don't like being embarrassed, but this could not... could NOT be me. I just feel like, begging... legit pressing a man for sex is so unbecoming. It not only looks crazy, but it brings down the value you of your own vagina. Ive heard guys talk about this too. There is a difference between letting him get it easily and giving it away. When you practically begging him to have sex, whether they do it or not, they genuinely want to know whats the problem with you vagina that you don't hold it to a higher standard... Your moot looking about as appeasing as them food twitpics people foolishly put up...
Ok. Confession Time...Excluding my ex fiancé, Ive only had sex this year on 5 different occasions...
And as much as it hurts my heart... I refuse to throw my vagina on every penis that does that
I just wish females now a days realized their worth. I wished they didn't use sex as validation. Even the jawns I don't like and think aint worth shit, I wished they at least thought better of themselves...Sometimes you wanna give it up filthier than a NYC subway... and I completely understand... but part of growing up is self control. Especially with a nigga who giving his homegirl the come save me eye...
Maybe its just me but I'd rather be undersexed than pity sex...
11 Things you Should Know at 25(ish)
Saw this on FB and just had to share
What you need to know to be a real adult.
When you’re 25-ish, you’re old enough to know what kind of music you love, regardless of what your last boyfriend or roommate always used to play. You know how to walk in heels, how to tie a necktie, how to give a good toast at a wedding and how to make something for dinner. You don’t have to think much about skin care, home ownership or your retirement plan. Your life can look a lot of different ways when you’re 25: single, dating, engaged, married. You are working in dream jobs, pay-the-bills jobs and downright horrible jobs. You are young enough to believe that anything is possible, and you are old enough to make that belief a reality.
1. You Have Time to Find a Job You Love
Now is the time to figure out what kind of work you love to do. What are you good at? What makes you feel alive? What do you dream about? You can go back to school now, switch directions entirely. You can work for almost nothing, or live in another country or volunteer long hours for something that moves you. There will be a time when finances and schedules make this a little trickier, so do it now. Try it, apply for it, get up and do it.
When I was 25, I was in my third job in as many years—all in the same area at a church, but the responsibilities were different each time. I was frustrated at the end of the third year because I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to do next. I didn’t feel like I’d found my place yet. I met with my boss, who was in his 50s. I told him how anxious I was about finding the one perfect job for me, and quick. He asked me how old I was, and when I told him I was 25, he told me I couldn’t complain to him about finding the right job until I was 32. In his opinion, it takes about 10 years after college to find the right fit, and anyone who finds it earlier than that is just plain lucky. So use every bit of your 10 years: try things, take classes, start over.
2. Get Out of Debt and Stay Out of Debt
Part of being a healthy, mature adult is learning to live within your means all the time, even if that means going without things you think you need, or doing work you don’t love for a while to be responsible financially. The ability to adjust your spending according to your income is a skill that will serve you your whole life.
There will be times when you have more money than you need. In those seasons, tithe as always, save like crazy, and then let yourself buy fancy shampoo or an iPad or whatever it is you really get a kick out of. When the money’s not rolling in, buy your shampoo from the grocery store and eat eggs instead of steak—a much cheaper way to get protein. If you can get the hang of living within your means all the time—always tithing, never going into debt—you’ll be ahead of the game when life surprises you with bad financial news.
I know a lot of people who have bright, passionate dreams but who can’t give their lives to those dreams because of the debt they carry. Don’t miss out on a great adventure God calls you to because you’ve been careless about debt.
3. Don’t Rush Dating and Marriage
Now is also the time to get serious about relationships. And “serious” might mean walking away from a dating relationship that’s good but not great. Some of the most life-shaping decisions you’ll make during this time will be about walking away from good-enough, in search of can’t-live-without. One of the only truly devastating mistakes you can make in this season is staying with the wrong person even though you know he or she is the wrong person. It’s not fair to that person, and it’s not fair to you.
“Who are you dating?” “Do you think he’s the one?” “Have you looked at rings?” It’s easy to be seduced by the romance-dating-marriage narrative. We confer a lot of status and respect on people who are getting married—we buy them presents and consider them as more adult and more responsible.
But there’s nothing inherently more responsible or more admirable about being married. I’m thankful to be celebrating my 10th wedding anniversary this summer, but at the same time, I have a fair amount of friends whose marriages are ending—friends whose weddings we danced at, whose wedding cake we ate, whose rings we oohed-and-aahed over but that have been taken off fingers a long time ago.
Some people view marriage as the next step to happiness or grown-up life or some kind of legitimacy, and in their mad desire to be married, they overlook significant issues in the relationship.
Ask your friends, family members and mentors what they think of the person you’re dating and your relationship. Go through premarital counseling before you are engaged, because, really, engagement is largely about wedding planning, and it’s tough to see the flaws in a relationship clearly when you’re wearing a diamond and you have a deposit on an event space.
I’m kind of a broken record on this. My younger friends will tell you I say the same things over and over when they talk to me about love, things like, “He seems great—what’s the rush?” and, “Yes, I like her—give it a year.” And they’ve heard this one a million times: “Time is on your side.” Really, it is.
4. Give Your Best to Friends and Family
While twentysomethings can sometimes spend a little too much energy on dating and marriage, they probably spend too little energy on friendships and family. That girl you just met and now text 76 times a day probably won’t be a part of your life in 10 years, but the guys you lived with in college, if you keep investing in them, will be friends for a lifetime. Lots of people move around in their 20s, but even across the distance, make an effort to invest in the friendships that are important to you. Loyalty is no small thing, especially in a season during which so many other things are shifting.
Family is a tricky thing in your 20s—to learn how to be an adult out on your own but to also maintain a healthy relationship with your parents—but those relationships are really, really worth investing in. I have a new vantage point on this now that I’m a parent. When my parents momentarily forget I’m an adult, I remind myself that someday this little boy of ours will drive a car, get a job and buy a home. I know that even then it will be hard not to scrape his hair across his forehead or tell him his eyes are looking sleepy, and I give my parents a break for still seeing me as their little girl every once in a while.
5. Get Some Counseling
Twenty-five is also a great time to get into counseling if you haven’t already, or begin round two of counseling if it’s been a while. You might have just enough space from your parents to start digging around your childhood a little bit. Unravel the knots that keep you from living a healthy, whole life, and do it now, before any more time passes.
Some people believe emotional and psychological issues should be solved through traditional spiritual means—that prayer and pastoral guidance are all that’s necessary when facing issues of mental health. I disagree. We generally trust medical doctors to help us heal from physical ailments. We can and should trust counselors and therapists to help us resolve emotional and psychological issues. Many pastors have no training in counseling, and while they care deeply about what you’re facing, sometimes the best gift they can give you is a referral to a therapist who does have the education to help you.
Faith and counseling aren’t at odds with one another. Spiritual growth and emotional health are both part of God’s desire for us. Counseling—like time with a mentor, personal scriptural study, a small group experience and outside reading—can help you grow, and can help you connect more deeply with God.
So let your pastor do his or her thing, and let the person who has an advanced degree in mental health help you with yours.
6. Seek Out a Mentor
One of the most valuable relationships you can cultivate in your 20s is a mentoring relationship with someone who’s a little older, a little wiser, someone who can be a listening ear and sounding board during a high change season. When I look back on my life from 22 to 26, some of the most significant growth occurred as a direct result of the time I spent with my mentor, Nancy.
The best way to find a mentor is to ask, and then to work with the parameters they give you. If someone does agree to meet with you, let it be on their terms. Nancy and I met on Wednesdays at 7 in the morning. I guarantee that was not my preference. But it was what worked for her life, so once a month I dragged myself out of the house in what felt to me like the dead of night. It also helps to keep it to a limited-time period. It’s a lot to ask of someone to meet once a month until the end of time. But a one-year commitment feels pretty manageable for most people, and you can both decide to sign on for another year or not, depending on the connection you’ve made.
7. Be a Part of a Church
Twenty-five is the perfect time to get involved in a church you love, no matter how different it is from the one you were a part of growing up. Be patient and prayerful, and decide that you’re going to be a person who grows, who seeks your own faith, who lives with intention. Set your alarm on Sunday mornings, no matter how late you were out on Saturday night. It will be dreadful at first, and then after a few weeks, you’ll find that you like it, that the pattern of it fills up something inside you.
8. Find a Rhythm for Spiritual Disciplines
Going out into “the real world” after high school or college affects more than just your professional life. Where once you had free time, a flexible schedule and built-in community, now you have one hour for lunch, 10 days max to “skip” work and co-workers who are all over the place in age, stage of life and religion.
In those first few years of work-life, it’s easy to get too busy, too stressed and too disconnected to keep up spiritual habits you may have built in school. Figuring out how to stay close to God and to grow that relationship through activities and disciplines that complement your new schedule is critical for life now—and those habits will serve you for years to come.
One of the best routines I adopted in my 20s was a monthly solitude day. In addition to my daily prayer time, I found I lived better if once a month I took the time to pray, read, rest and write, to ask myself about the choices I’d made in the past month and to ask for God’s guidance in the month to come. Some of the most important decisions I made in that season of life became clear as a result of that monthly commitment.
9. Volunteer
Give of your time and energy to make the world better in a way that doesn’t benefit you directly. Teach Sunday school, build houses with Habitat for Humanity, serve at a food pantry or clean up beaches on Saturdays.
It’s easy to get caught up in your own big life and big plan in your 20s—you’re building a career, building an identity, building for a future. Find some place in your life where you’re building for a purpose that’s bigger than your own life or plan.
When you’re serving on behalf of a cause you’re passionate about, you’ll also connect in a deep way with the people you’re serving with, and those connections can yield some of your most significant friendships.
When you serve as a volunteer, you can gain experience for future careers. Instead of, for example, quitting your banking job to pursue full-time ministry, volunteer to lead a small group, and see where it goes from there. Use volunteer experiences to learn about causes and fields you’re interested in, and consider using your vacation time to serve globally.
10. Feed Yourself and the People You Love
If you can master these things, you’re off to a really great start: eggs, soup, a fantastic sandwich or burger, guacamole and some killer cookies. A few hints: The secret to great eggs is really low heat, and the trick to guacamole is lime juice—loads of it. Almost every soup starts the same way: onion, garlic, carrot, celery, stock.
People used to know how to make this list and more, but for all sorts of reasons, sometime in the last 60 or so years, convenience became more important than cooking and people began resorting to fake food (ever had GU?), fast food and frozen food. I literally had to call my mom from my first apartment because I didn’t know if you baked a potato for five minutes or two hours.
The act of feeding oneself is a skill every person can benefit from, and some of the most sacred moments in life happen when we gather around the table. The time we spend around the table, sharing meals and sharing stories, is significant, transforming time.
Learn to cook. Invite new and old friends to dinner. Practice hospitality and generosity. No one cares if they have to sit on lawn furniture, bring their own forks or drink out of a Mayor McCheese glass from 1982. What people want is to be heard and fed and nourished, physically and otherwise—to stop for just a little bit and have someone look them in the eye and listen to their stories and dreams. Make time for the table, and you’ll find it to be more than worth it every time.
11. Don’t Get Stuck
This is the thing: When you hit 28 or 30, everything begins to divide. You can see very clearly two kinds of people. On one side, people who have used their 20s to learn and grow, to find God and themselves and their dreams, people who know what works and what doesn’t, who have pushed through to become real live adults. Then there’s the other kind, who are hanging onto college, or high school even, with all their might. They’ve stayed in jobs they hate, because they’re too scared to get another one. They’ve stayed with men or women who are good but not great, because they don’t want to be lonely. They mean to find a church, they mean to develop intimate friendships, they mean to stop drinking like life is one big frat party. But they don’t do those things, so they live in an extended adolescence, no closer to adulthood than when they graduated.
Don’t be like that. Don’t get stuck. Move, travel, take a class, take a risk. There is a season for wildness and a season for settledness, and this is neither. This season is about becoming. Don’t lose yourself at happy hour, but don’t lose yourself on the corporate ladder either. Stop every once in a while and go out to coffee or climb in bed with your journal.
Ask yourself some good questions like: “Am I proud of the life I’m living? What have I tried this month? What have I learned about God this year? What parts of my childhood faith am I leaving behind, and what parts am I choosing to keep? Do the people I’m spending time with give me life, or make me feel small? Is there any brokenness in my life that’s keeping me from moving forward?”
Now is your time. Walk closely with people you love, and with people who believe God is good and life is a grand adventure. Don’t get stuck in the past, and don’t try to fast-forward yourself into a future you haven’t yet earned.
Give today all the love and intensity and courage you can, and keep traveling honestly along life’s path.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
FlashBack
I wrote this post for Venus Genus a while back.... when everything hit home about my life...
I re-read it today and it brought tears to my eyes. Not tears of sadness or despair... but legitimately tears of relief.
When you look back, and realize you've overcome what you thought was impossible, it drives you to keep going.
I re-read it today and it brought tears to my eyes. Not tears of sadness or despair... but legitimately tears of relief.
When you look back, and realize you've overcome what you thought was impossible, it drives you to keep going.
Something Quick
Saw these cards in Whole Foods.... thought I'd share some of my favorites... (Funny how a run in a store to charge your phone can bring you in front of words that might change your life)
Dont Let me get a man...
Sometimes you got to remind a man why he not leaving....
But here are the lyrics... lease read cause she spit some real shit... (check the bold)
I just wanna...
Show you how much I appreciate you
Wanna show you how much I'm dedicated to you
Wanna show you how much I will forever be true
Wanna show you how much you got your girl feelin' good
Wanna show you how much, how much you're understood
Wanna show you how much, I value what you say
Not only are you loyal, you're patient with me bay
Wanna show you how much, I really care about yo heart
I wanna show ya how much, I hate being apart
Show ya, show ya, show ya til you're through with me
I wanna keep it how it is, so you can never say how it used to be
(Bridge)
Loving you is really all that's on my mind
And I can't help but to think about it day and night
I wanna make that body rock, sit back and watch
(Chorus)
Tonight I'm gonna dance for you (ohh ooh ohh ohhh)
Tonight I'm gonna dance for you (ohh ooh ohh ohhh)
Tonight I'm gonna put my body on your body
Boy I like it when you watch me, ah
Tonight it's going down
I'll be rockin' on my babe rockin', rockin' on my babe
Swirlin' my babe Twirlin', swirlin' on my babe
Baby lemme put my body on your body
Promise not to tell nobody cuz
It's bout to go down
You'll never need 2, cuz I will be your number 1
Them other chicks are superficial
But I know you know I'm the one
That's why I'm all into you
Cuz I can recognize that you know that
That's why I'm backin' this thing back
Pop, poppin' this thing back
Drop-drop-drop-dropping this thing back
This is for the time, you gave me flowers
For the world, that is ours
For the moonlight, for the power of love
I know I won't never ever eh-ever give you up
And I wanna say thank you in case I don't thank you enough
A woman in the street and the freak in the you know what
Sit back sit back it's the pre game show
Daddy you know what's up
(Bridge)
Loving you is really all that's on my mind
And I can't help but to think about it day and night
I wanna make that body rock, sit back and watch
(Chorus)
Tonight I'm gonna dance for you (ohh ooh ohh ohhh)
Tonight I'm gonna dance for you (ohh ooh ohh ohhh)
Tonight I'm gonna put my body on your body
Boy I like it when you watch me, ah
Tonight it's going down
I'll be rockin' on my babe rockin', rockin' on my babe
Swirlin' my babe swirlin', swirlin' on you babe
Baby lemme put my body on your body
Promise not to tell nobody cuz
It's bout to go down
Imma take this time
To show you how much you mean to me
Cuz you all I need
No money can emphasize or describe
The love that's in between the lines
Boy look into my eyes
While I'm grinding on you
This is beyond sex
I'm high on you
If it's real then you know how I feel
Rockin on you babe
Rockin rockin on you babe
Swirlin on you babe
In my mind all I can think about
Is a frame for our future
And the pictures of the past
And a chance to make this love last
(Chorus)
Tonight I'm gonna dance for you (ohh ooh ohh ohhh)
Tonight I'm gonna dance for you (ohh ooh ohh ohhh)
Tonight I'm gonna put my body on your body
Boy I like it when you watch me, ah
Tonight it's going down
I'll be rockin' on my babe rockin', rockin' on my babe
I be swirlin' my babe swirlin', swirlin' on you babe
Baby lemme put my body on your body
Promise not to tell nobody cuz
It's bout to go down
Watch me pop it, pop it, pop-pop-pop-pop it for you baby
Drop it, drop it, drop it, drop it for you baby
Watch it, watch it, watch it, watch me throw it baby
Wanna make that body rock, sit back and watch
Watch me pop it, pop it, pop-pop-pop-pop it for you baby
Drop it, drop it, drop it, drop it for you baby
Watch it, watch it, watch it, watch me throw it baby
Wanna make that body rock, sit back and watch
(Bey does it again.... smh)
But here are the lyrics... lease read cause she spit some real shit... (check the bold)
I just wanna...
Show you how much I appreciate you
Wanna show you how much I'm dedicated to you
Wanna show you how much I will forever be true
Wanna show you how much you got your girl feelin' good
Wanna show you how much, how much you're understood
Wanna show you how much, I value what you say
Not only are you loyal, you're patient with me bay
Wanna show you how much, I really care about yo heart
I wanna show ya how much, I hate being apart
Show ya, show ya, show ya til you're through with me
I wanna keep it how it is, so you can never say how it used to be
(Bridge)
Loving you is really all that's on my mind
And I can't help but to think about it day and night
I wanna make that body rock, sit back and watch
(Chorus)
Tonight I'm gonna dance for you (ohh ooh ohh ohhh)
Tonight I'm gonna dance for you (ohh ooh ohh ohhh)
Tonight I'm gonna put my body on your body
Boy I like it when you watch me, ah
Tonight it's going down
I'll be rockin' on my babe rockin', rockin' on my babe
Swirlin' my babe Twirlin', swirlin' on my babe
Baby lemme put my body on your body
Promise not to tell nobody cuz
It's bout to go down
You'll never need 2, cuz I will be your number 1
Them other chicks are superficial
But I know you know I'm the one
That's why I'm all into you
Cuz I can recognize that you know that
That's why I'm backin' this thing back
Pop, poppin' this thing back
Drop-drop-drop-dropping this thing back
This is for the time, you gave me flowers
For the world, that is ours
For the moonlight, for the power of love
I know I won't never ever eh-ever give you up
And I wanna say thank you in case I don't thank you enough
A woman in the street and the freak in the you know what
Sit back sit back it's the pre game show
Daddy you know what's up
(Bridge)
Loving you is really all that's on my mind
And I can't help but to think about it day and night
I wanna make that body rock, sit back and watch
(Chorus)
Tonight I'm gonna dance for you (ohh ooh ohh ohhh)
Tonight I'm gonna dance for you (ohh ooh ohh ohhh)
Tonight I'm gonna put my body on your body
Boy I like it when you watch me, ah
Tonight it's going down
I'll be rockin' on my babe rockin', rockin' on my babe
Swirlin' my babe swirlin', swirlin' on you babe
Baby lemme put my body on your body
Promise not to tell nobody cuz
It's bout to go down
Imma take this time
To show you how much you mean to me
Cuz you all I need
No money can emphasize or describe
The love that's in between the lines
Boy look into my eyes
While I'm grinding on you
This is beyond sex
I'm high on you
If it's real then you know how I feel
Rockin on you babe
Rockin rockin on you babe
Swirlin on you babe
In my mind all I can think about
Is a frame for our future
And the pictures of the past
And a chance to make this love last
(Chorus)
Tonight I'm gonna dance for you (ohh ooh ohh ohhh)
Tonight I'm gonna dance for you (ohh ooh ohh ohhh)
Tonight I'm gonna put my body on your body
Boy I like it when you watch me, ah
Tonight it's going down
I'll be rockin' on my babe rockin', rockin' on my babe
I be swirlin' my babe swirlin', swirlin' on you babe
Baby lemme put my body on your body
Promise not to tell nobody cuz
It's bout to go down
Watch me pop it, pop it, pop-pop-pop-pop it for you baby
Drop it, drop it, drop it, drop it for you baby
Watch it, watch it, watch it, watch me throw it baby
Wanna make that body rock, sit back and watch
Watch me pop it, pop it, pop-pop-pop-pop it for you baby
Drop it, drop it, drop it, drop it for you baby
Watch it, watch it, watch it, watch me throw it baby
Wanna make that body rock, sit back and watch
(Bey does it again.... smh)
Photo Op..
So y'all know Im slow as shit right...?
In all of the shit I've learned in all of my months of being single, Ive always hated when a man asked me to send him a picture.... Like i thought it was creepy. I don't mind pictures, just wanted to know why you who just met me wanted one... you forgot what i looked like? You just keep random girls pics in your phone?
EW...
Anywhoot... Im talking to my co-worker, who i realize is an ignorant Aquarius man (apparently I'm drawn to these weirdos)... Im talking about some guy who text me and i mention he wanted a pic...
Me- Why does he want my face in his phone though...
Him- Its not a pic of your face he wants...
Me- Wait... o_O
Him- You couldn't of thought he wanted a pic of your face...
Me- *twiddles thumbs and looks around*
No, but seriously... did anyone know this? Apparently when these freak niggas want you to send suggestive photos... or even worse... pics of you breast and moot
What in the holiest of fucks?
Y'all can't be serious? You niggas comfortable asking for moot pics after 3 days of texting since y'all met in the bar? Y'all have got to chill. Seriously.
What y'all gonna say when she send this?
I asked around to almost all my male friends, and ladies.... here is what I learned.
Men use the "send me a photo" swindle as one of the gauges of if you a hoe or not. If you are like me and decline, or send a pic of you smiling regular, you are not a hoe according to this test. If you send a suggestive photo, you not a complete hoe, but you not in the clear... you will receive further tests on your level of hoedom. Be prepared to fight for the sanctity of your vagina. If you send any underwear clad, or naked body parts... you my friend (well not MY friend) are a hoe. But I'm sure you knew this already.... but now he does too..
- Not a hoe... 
- Might be a hoe...lets keep pushing... 
-*Cues Luda* Hoeeeeeee... HOE.
Im flabber-fucking-gasted
I admit my naivety in certain things... but i honestly didn't know these niggas were this tricky. They have some many plans and gauging... i feel like they setting up all females to lose.
Trust, I am a firm believer of sending your boos pics... Please believe I be cheesing all in my mans (well when I had one) phone... and every once in a while, you got to hit him with a treat... but thats your man (or boo, or jawn, or GAN), not some random you exchanged number with after 1or 10 Henny and ginger ales. What really gets me is, some of you females really do it. Like y'all cool with sending pics of your nipple rings after a week? At the end of the day, a man is a man. Give them an inch, they take a mile; They only let you do what you allow them; and whatever other cliche terms that apply to this situation... but you, you silly bitch... you should have a bit more pride. I read in Cosmo, about the French who keep their mystery, they don't give too much so people can want more....There is some validity to that, especially in this case. I just want the best for y'all and for you to be aware, prepared, and staying off some mans hoe-dar...
(for further educational material on the sanctity of your vagina... please refer to poor pussy management post. Thanks )
In all of the shit I've learned in all of my months of being single, Ive always hated when a man asked me to send him a picture.... Like i thought it was creepy. I don't mind pictures, just wanted to know why you who just met me wanted one... you forgot what i looked like? You just keep random girls pics in your phone?
EW...
Anywhoot... Im talking to my co-worker, who i realize is an ignorant Aquarius man (apparently I'm drawn to these weirdos)... Im talking about some guy who text me and i mention he wanted a pic...
Me- Why does he want my face in his phone though...
Him- Its not a pic of your face he wants...
Me- Wait... o_O
Him- You couldn't of thought he wanted a pic of your face...
Me- *twiddles thumbs and looks around*
No, but seriously... did anyone know this? Apparently when these freak niggas want you to send suggestive photos... or even worse... pics of you breast and moot
What in the holiest of fucks?
Y'all can't be serious? You niggas comfortable asking for moot pics after 3 days of texting since y'all met in the bar? Y'all have got to chill. Seriously.
What y'all gonna say when she send this?
I asked around to almost all my male friends, and ladies.... here is what I learned.
Men use the "send me a photo" swindle as one of the gauges of if you a hoe or not. If you are like me and decline, or send a pic of you smiling regular, you are not a hoe according to this test. If you send a suggestive photo, you not a complete hoe, but you not in the clear... you will receive further tests on your level of hoedom. Be prepared to fight for the sanctity of your vagina. If you send any underwear clad, or naked body parts... you my friend (well not MY friend) are a hoe. But I'm sure you knew this already.... but now he does too..
- Not a hoe... 
- Might be a hoe...lets keep pushing... 
-*Cues Luda* Hoeeeeeee... HOE. Im flabber-fucking-gasted
I admit my naivety in certain things... but i honestly didn't know these niggas were this tricky. They have some many plans and gauging... i feel like they setting up all females to lose.
Trust, I am a firm believer of sending your boos pics... Please believe I be cheesing all in my mans (well when I had one) phone... and every once in a while, you got to hit him with a treat... but thats your man (or boo, or jawn, or GAN), not some random you exchanged number with after 1
(for further educational material on the sanctity of your vagina... please refer to poor pussy management post. Thanks )
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)